3. Postponement. Wait until your feelings of anger have naturally abated before you decide how to respond to the situation. Take a breath, walk away, and come back to it a few hours later. If you still feel like you need to do something, then calmly decide upon the best response; otherwise, just let it go and forget about it.
4. Modeling virtue. Ask yourself what a wise person such as Socrates or Zeno would do. What virtues might help you to respond wisely? In your case, it might be easier to think of a role model you’re more familiar with, like Marcus Aurelius or someone you’ve encountered in your own life. (“A wiser person would try to empathize, put themselves in her shoes, and then exercise patience when they’re responding…”)
5. Functional analysis. Picture the consequences of following anger versus following reason and exercising virtues such as moderation. (“If I let my anger guide me then I’ll probably just yell at her and get into another argument, and things will get a lot worse over time until we’re not speaking anymore. If I wait until I’ve calmed down and then try to listen patiently, though, it might be difficult at first but it will probably start to work better with practice, and once she’s calmed down maybe she’ll begin listening to my perspective.”)
The Stoics probably learned the ancient concept of postponing their actions until anger has abated from the Pythagoreans, whose school was nearly seven centuries old by Marcus’s time. They were known for never speaking in anger but withdrawing for a while until their feelings had died down. They would only give their response when they could do so calmly and rationally. Today therapists sometimes call that taking a “time-out” from anger in order to regain your composure.
In addition to these basic strategies, Marcus also describes a whole repertoire of Stoic cognitive techniques, which focus on addressing the underlying beliefs that cause our anger in the first place. These are different ways of thinking about the situation: alternative perspectives. They could be used at any time. However, it’s difficult to change your point of view while you’re still in the grip of anger. In fact, one of the most common mistakes we make is trying to challenge our angry thoughts when we’re not in the best frame of mind to do so. Instead, use these thinking strategies beforehand, in advance of facing situations that might provoke anger, or after you’ve taken time to regain your composure. Marcus reminded himself to contemplate some of these ideas first thing in the morning while preparing to encounter difficult people during the day ahead.
In one of the most striking passages of The Meditations, Marcus introduces a list of ten thinking strategies to use when “guarding against being angry with others.”4 He describes these anger-management techniques as ten gifts from Apollo and his nine Muses. Apollo is the god of medicine and healing—the god of therapy, we might say—and these are Stoic psychotherapeutic prescriptions. The Meditations contains numerous additional references to the same methods, which help clarify what Marcus had in mind. 1. WE ARE NATURALLY SOCIAL ANIMALS, DESIGNED TO HELP ONE ANOTHER
The first strategy Marcus describes using in response to anger involves reminding himself of the Stoic doctrine that rational beings are inherently social, designed to live in communities and to help one another in a spirit of goodwill. As such, we have a duty to live wisely and harmoniously with our fellow humans in order to fulfill our natural potential and to flourish.
In one of the most famous quotes from The Meditations, the opening passage of book 2 mentioned earlier, Marcus describes mentally preparing himself each morning to deal with troublesome people. He adds, “Nor can I be angry with my kinsman nor hate him for we have come into being for co-operation,” and that to obstruct one another by feeling resentment or turning our back on others goes against our rational and social nature. Indeed, he says that the good for a rational creature lies, partly, in having an attitude of fellowship toward others. Marcus also goes so far as to claim that ignoring our fellowship with others is a form of injustice, a vice, and an impiety because it goes against Nature.5
The Stoic goal of living in concord, or harmony, with the rest of mankind doesn’t mean that we should expect everyone to act like our friend. On the contrary, we should be prepared to meet many foolish and vicious people in life and to accept this as inevitable. We should not meet disagreeable people and enemies with anger, but treat this as an opportunity to exercise our own wisdom and virtue. Stoics think of troublesome people as if they are a prescription from a physician, or a training partner we’ve been assigned by a wrestling coach. We exist for one another, says Marcus, and if we can’t educate those who oppose us, we have to learn at least to tolerate them.6
These challenges will help us grow in virtue and become more resilient. If no one ever tested your patience, then you’d lack an opportunity to exhibit virtue in your relationships. In the Eulogium on Marcus Aurelius, an eighteenth-century work of historical fiction closely based on the Roman histories, the Stoic teacher Apollonius is portrayed saying, “There are wicked men—they are useful to thee; without them, what need would there be for virtues?” 2. CONSIDER A PERSON’S CHARACTER AS A WHOLE
The next strategy involves picturing the person you’re angry with in a more rounded and complete manner—don’t just focus on the aspects of their character or behavior you find most annoying. Marcus tells himself to consider carefully the sort of people who typically offend him. He then patiently imagines them in their daily lives: eating at their dinner tables, sleeping in their beds, having sex, relieving themselves, and so on. He considers how they can be arrogant, overbearing, and angry, but he also contemplates times when they’ve been enslaved by other desires.7 The idea is that we should broaden our awareness, not only thinking of the person’s actions that offend us but of the other person as a whole, remembering that nobody is perfect. As we widen our perspective, we’re likely to dilute our anger toward them. Doing so can be seen as a variation of the depreciation by analysis technique.
Indeed, Marcus says that when others hate, blame, or slander you, you should imagine looking into their souls and understanding what kind of people they really are. The more you understand them, the more their hostility toward you will seem misguided and powerless to offend you. He seems to have viewed Cassius in this way, which probably helped Marcus respond calmly to the sudden crisis of the civil war, whereas the Senate offered a knee-jerk reaction.
Marcus says that in addition to putting yourself in the other person’s shoes, you should analyze their character in a manner that gets straight to the core questions: what kind of people do they want to please, for what purpose, and through what kind of actions? What are their guiding principles in life, what do they busy themselves doing, how do they spend their time? You should imagine their souls laid bare before you, with all their errors exposed. If you can picture this, eventually it will seem absurd to you that their blame or praise ever carried any real authority.8 Indeed, the wise man only really pays attention to the opinions of those “living in agreement with Nature,” and so he is continually mindful of what sort of men he’s dealing with. He understands who they are “at home and abroad, by night and in the day, in what vices they wallow and with whom.”9