"Nobody's listening to you, you plankton-hearted, fish-legged, disaster area," sneered Snotlout. "Thanks to you and your sniveling, sneezing disability, that whole military operation was nearly a total disaster. When I'm Chief of this Tribe the first thing I'm going to do is boot anybody with a pathetic allergy like yours straight out into exile. You're not fit to be a Hooligan!"
Fishlegs went very white in the face, but he still managed to gasp out, "But you are NOT going to be Chief of this Tribe. HICCUP is going to be Chief of this Tribe."
49
Snotlout dropped Fishlegs's arm and advanced menacingly on Hiccup.
"Oh, he is, is he?" jeered Snotlout. "So, I'm not allowed that Monstrous Nightmare, am I? Our Future Leader is keeping very quiet about it, isn't he? Come on, Hiccup, I'm stealing your inheritance. What are you going to do about it, then, eh?"
The boys all looked solemn. Snotlout really had broken an ancient Viking rule.
"Hiccup should challenge you for the dragon," said Fishlegs slowly, and everybody swiveled around to look expectantly at Hiccup.
"Oh, brilliant," muttered Hiccup under his breath. "Thank you, Fishlegs. My day just gets better and better."
Snotlout was a great brute of a boy who didn't really need Dogsbreath's help when it came to bashing people up. He wore specially constructed, bronze-tipped sandals in order to cause maximum damage when kicking people. Hiccup tried to stay out of his way as much as he possibly could.
But he couldn't ignore this insult to his status, now that Fishlegs had helpfully pointed it out, without looking like a coward in front of the other boys. And
50
if you became known as a coward in the Hooligan Tribe, you might as well go the whole hog and wear a pale pink jerkin, take up playing the harp, and change your name to Ermintrude.
"I challenge you, Snotface Snotlout, for the dragon, Fireworm, who is mine by right," said Hiccup, trying to hide his reluctance by speaking as loudly and formally as he could.
"I accept your challenge," said Snotlout super-fast, grinning all over his horrid, smug face. "Axes or fists?"
"Fists," said Hiccup. Because axes were a REALLY bad idea.
"I shall look forward to showing you how a real Future Hero fights," said Snotlout, and then he
51
remembered something, "AFTER the Initiation thing on Thor'sday Thursday, though. I don't want to stub my toe or anything while I'm kicking you all around the village."
"Hiccup might win," Fishlegs pointed out.
"OF COURSE he won't win," boasted Snotlout. "Look at my sporting ability, my Viking courage, my capacity for mindless violence. I shall win just as surely as I shall be Chief of this Tribe one day. I mean, look at my dragon and then look at HIS dragon." He pointed mockingly at Toothless. "The gods have spoken. It's only a matter of time.
"In the meantime," Snotlout carried on, "I shall live in fear of being gummed to death by Hiccup's terrifying, toothless terrapin."
And Snotlout sauntered off in a lordly fashion, giving Hiccup a nasty kick on the shins as he did so.
... "Sorry about the challenge," Fishlegs apologized, after they had left the baskets with the dragons in them under their beds at their homes.
"Oh, don't worry about it," said Hiccup. "Somebody would have gotten me to do it anyway.You know how they all love a fight."
52
Fishlegs and Hiccup were going to the Great Hall to look for the book Gobber had recommended: How to Train Your Dragon,by Professor Yobbish.
"As it happens," confided Hiccup, "I know a bit about dragons already, but I haven't the foggiest clue how to start training one. I would have said they were virtually untrainable. I'm really looking forward to getting some tips."
The Great Hall was a hullabaloo of young barbarians fighting, yelling, and playing the popular Viking game of Bashyball, which was a very violent contact sport with lots of contact and very few rules.
Hiccup and Fishlegs found the book tucked away in the fireplace, practically in the fire.
Hiccup had never noticed it before.
He opened the book.
(I have included a basic replica of How to Train Your Dragon,by Professor Yobbish, here -- in order that you can share the experience with Hiccup of opening that book for the first time, full of hope and interest and expectation. You will have to imagine that the cover is unusually thick, with huge golden clasps, and that some scribe has covered it in elaborately fancy gilt lettering. It looks very inviting indeed.)
53
HOW TO TRAIN YOUR DRAGON
-BY-PROFESSOR YOBBISH
BA, MA Hons, Cantab. Etc.
BIG AXE BOOKS 10th Anniversary Edition
WINNER OF THE BEST BOOK FOR BARBARIANS GOLD AWARD
54
This book is dedicated to mommy, with love from your dearest you.
Copyright © Professor Yobbish, Dark Ages.
The publishers, Big Axe Books Ltd, would like to point out that they take no responsibility whatsoever for any injuries that may occuras a result ofany person or persons following the advice given this book. Thank you for your attention.
55
MEATHEAD PUBLIC LIBRARY
A note from the Hairy Scary
Librarian: Please return this book or before the last date stamped or I will be VERY ANNOYED. I think you know what I mean.
DO NOT REMOVE THIS BOOK OR WE WILL BASH YOU!!!
56
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Professor Yobbish (BA, MA Hons, Cantab. etc.) has spent many years in the wild observing dragons in their natural habitat. This book is the culmination of his research and it is the definitive textbook on the subject of these fascinating creatures.
Professor Yobbish lives alone in a cave on the Isle of Doom. He is the author of Looking After Your Killer Whaleand Sharks and Other Great Pets.He is currently writing a book about butterflies.
57
CHAPTER THE FIRST (AND LAST)
The Golden Rule of Dragon- Training is to...
YELL AT IT!
(The louder the better.)
THE END
58
How would YOU train a dragon?
Look inside for ALL the answers in Professor Yobbish's hugely entertaining, and informative book. Follow his simple advice and you will soon be on your way to becoming the Hero you've always wanted to be...
Praise for How To Train Your Dragon:
"This book changed my life." Squidface the Terrible
"A brilliant book." The MeatheadMonthly
"Nobody yells better than Professor Yobbish. This is a sensitive and well-researched book that contains all the information you need to turn your dragon into a pussy cat." The Hooligan observer
"Yobbish is a genius."The Viking Times
PRICE: 1 SMAUISH CHICKEN 20 OYSTERS
59
"THAT'S IT??!" said Hiccup furiously, turning the book upside down and shaking it, trying to see whether there was anything other than that single page of paper inside it.
Hiccup put the book down. His face was unusually grim.