But all became clear when General Proazamm of the Capricorn High Command, desiring top-secret information about his own vice-commander, decided to engage Wwwsp Gggrs for this purpose, and called in Captain Coppola, who was paying monthly visits to Pluto to hand-carry the agent's pay to him (the agent, by the way, was being sought by other Capricorn auhorities for minor crimes). It was only in speaking with Captain Coppola that the General became aware of the ambiguous situation and began to suspect that there were some irregularities in the organization of the Capricorn Secret Service; he therefore contacted this office, which—simply doing its duty—professed total ignorance of the whole matter. This assertion was enough for General Proazamm, who sensed his suspicions were well founded. Since Capricornians are notoriously telepathic, General Proazamm's suspicions were inevitably picked up by the telepathy agency of the Procyon Gazette, notoriously hungry for any bit of gossip. The inevitable public scandal ensued.
We are, however, in a position to assure Your Excellency that the guilty agent was promptly rendered ineffective, and we can assure you he will not be in a position to engage in further missions. In fact, he has been named Executive Secretary of the Intergalactic Commission for the Moralization of Espionage Services. As for General Proazamm, who was transferred to a new post of authority with the Quicksands Bureau of Betelgeuse, we received just this morning word of his accidental death there while inspecting Swamp No. 26. And the Procyon Gazette has been taken over by the Citric Acid High Command, which has issued a statement guaranteeing the paper's continuance as a voice of freedom and democracy.
I remain, Excellency, your Excellency's
most devoted Space Admiral, Squadron IV
(name omitted for security reasons)
Director-in-Chief, Special Branches Coordination
PS. Please take note of the fact that, in conformity with the regulations of this office, all information contained in the above letter is false, for reasons of military security.
***
Intergalactic High Command
Casino, Monaco
From General Giansaverio Rebaudengo
To all Galactic Corps
Officers, semi-officers, soldiers, I assume today the high and complete command of our glorious Army. May the memory of our heroic battles at Gallipoli and the Somme, on the Piave and Monte Cassino, serve as inspiration for our future victories.
Long live the Universe!
PS. To celebrate Galactic Day next Sunday, 2 June, in the Gemini Area, a Conflictual Potlatch will be held. The Sirius III Hymenoptera Contingent will be pitted against the Vega Thunder Battalion.
(signed) Giansaverio Rebaudengo
***
URGENT ASTROGRAM
FROM: COMILITER SIRIUS
TO: HIGH COMMAND, CASINO
RESPECTFULLY REMIND HIGH COMMAND THAT SIRIUS HYMENOPTERA MEASURE SIX REPEAT SIX MILLIMETERS HEIGHT AND TWO REPEAT TWO MILLIMETERS CIRCUMFERENCE, WHEREAS VEGA SOLDIERS IN THUNDER BATTALION BELONG TO GARAMANTI PACHYDERM SPECIES WEIGHING EIGHT REPEAT EIGHT TONS EACH STOP THEREFORE COMPETITION PROBABLY IMPRACTICAL BECAUSE OF SCANT DENSITY OF SIRIUS III POPULATION HYMENOPTERA UNIT NUMBERS FIVE HUNDRED REPEAT FIVE HUNDRED MEMBERS WHEREAS VEGA THUNDER BATTALION CONSISTS OF TWENTY FIVE THOUSAND REPEAT TWENTY FIVE THOUSAND UNITS STOP
(SIGNED) GENERAL BEE
ASTROGRAM
FROM: HIGH COMMAND
TO: COMILITER SIRIUS
WORD IMPOSSIBLE UNKNOWN TO INTERGALACTIC SOLDIERS VOCABULARY STOP CARRY ON STOP
(SIGNED) GENERAL GIANSAVERIO REBAUDENGO
***
Memo to General Giansaverio Rebaudengo
EYES ONLY/TOP SECRET
We take the liberty of pointing out to Your Excellency that, in the course of our normal rotation of Intergalactic Units for the honor guard pool of the Federation President, duty for the current month has been assigned to the Pegasus Cavaliers of Death. This office is well aware of the splendid military training of this brave unit, but must point out that the inhabitants of Pegasus have a median height of eighteen meters, and their feet measure, on average, three meters by two. The fact that they are monopod does not make the situation less problematical, as these soldiers proceed by leaps and bounds. During the inaugural ceremony at the Bari Trade Fair last week, one of the President's guards involuntarily trampled the Archbishop of Apulia. We therefore beg Your Excellency to advance the rotation of the roster, excluding from duty soldiers of ethnic groups not congruous with terrestrial format.
The President further advises against participation in the Conflictual Potlatch by the Orion Runners. As the Orion civilization has developed a system of transmigration of souls a.k.a. metempsychosis, the Ori-onides regard death with extreme nonchalance, and any sports competition in which they participate thus proves extremely unsporting. If their presence is absolutely necessary, it is suggested that they be matched with other units having a highly developed sense of life after death: Swiss Guards from the Vatican, Irish Infantry, Spanish Falange, Japanese Air Force.
From the secretariat, Federal Palace
La Turbie
***
High Command
To: President, Intergalactic Federation
La Turbie
Your Excellency, I do not believe I can implement the suggestions you have sent me through the secretariat. All intergalactic soldiers are equal in the eyes of this Command, and I cannot permit any sort of preference or discrimination. During my long and glorious service as a soldier, I have never made distinctions between rich and poor, Calabrian and Bostonian, tall and short. I remember how, way back in 2482, I firmly resisted the pressures of a bigoted and covertly racist press and assigned Sahara patrol duty to the IV Corps of Inuit Harpooners from Prince Joseph's Land. Those magnificent soldiers died, every last one of them, in the line of duty. When a soldier is in uniform, I give no thought to his bulk. I am sorry about the unfortunate mishap of the late, distinguished prelate from Apulia, but the army cannot make exceptions. In the long-past twentieth century hundreds of thousands of Italian soldiers were sent to the steppes of Russia wearing tennis shoes, but to my knowledge the prestige of the High Command at the time remained intact. It is the Commander's decisiveness that assures the soldier's heroism.
Long live the Universe!
(signed) General Giansaverio Rebaudengo
***
ASTROGRAM
FROM: HIGH COMMAND
TO: QUARTERMASTER HQ
BETELGEUSE
SHOCKED BY IRREGULAR VARIETY RATIONS AND ALARMED BY EXCESSIVE CULINARY PERMISSIVENESS UNDERMINING TRADITIONS AND DISCIPLINE OUR GLORIOUS ARMY STOP AS OF TODAY ALL VICTUALS MUST CONFORM TO STANDARD FORMAT FOR ALL TROOPS FEDERATED GALAXIES NAMELY FIVE HECTOGRAMS HARDTACK ONE TIN FROZEN MEAT FOUR CHOCOLATE BARS ONE DECILITER GRAPPA STOP
(SIGNED) GENERAL GIANSAVERIO REBAUDENGO
***
ASTROGRAM
FROM: QUARTERMASTER HQ
BETELGEUSE
TO: HIGH COMMAND
CASINO
RESPECTFULLY REMIND HIGH COMMAND BIOLOGICAL DIVERGENCES AMONG VARIOUS UNITS INTERGALACTIC ARMY STOP FOR EXAMPLE ALTAIR SOLDIERS CUSTOMARY DAILY CONSUMPTION THREE HUNDRED SIXTY KILOGRAMS ALTAIR GNU MEAT STOP AURIGA LIQUID SAPPERS COMPOSED EXCLUSIVELY OF ETHYL ALCOHOLS HENCE GRAPPA RATION OFFENSIVE TO THEM SUGGESTING CANNIBALISM STOP HOOKS MILITIA OF BELLATRIX CONFIRMED VEGETARIANS WHEREAS CHASSEURS FROM COMA BERENICES NORMALLY FEED ON LOCAL HAIRLESS BIPED GAME HENCE SOME DEPLORABLE MISUNDERSTANDINGS WHEN CHASSEURS DEVOURED ENTIRE BATTALION MOUNTAIN TROOPS MISTAKING THEM FOR RATIONS SHIPMENT STOP IN THIS REGARD WE WOULD AGAIN UNDERLINE IMPOSSIBILITY OF STANDARDIZING UNIFORMS AS PER HIGH COMMAND ORDER STOP IMPOSSIBLE FIT STANDARD TUNIC AND LEGGINGS TO SOLDIERS EIGHT METERS TALL WITH FIVE ARMS WHEREAS STANDARD ISSUE TROUSERS TOTALLY UNSUITABLE FOR VERMIFORM TROOPS STOP URGE PROMPT DECISION RECOMMENDING FLEXIBILITY RECOGNIZING VARYING BIOLOGICAL DEMANDS STOP