(SIGNED) GENERAL PERCUOCO
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ASTROGRAM
FROM: HIGH COMMAND, CASINO
TO: GENERAL PERCUOCO
QUARTERMASTER HQ
BETELGEUSE
QUIT BELLYACHING STOP
(SIGNED) GENERAL GIANSAVERIO REBAUDENGO
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Confidential Report
To: Army Command, Vallodolid, Europe
cc.: Galactic Corps Command, Sol III
This Intergalactic Accounting Office has learned that Vallodolid Drivers have been counterfeiting gasoline coupons and then selling stolen Army fuel on the intergalactic black market. The disciplinary committee immediately created by this office, after eight years' work checking all relevant files and the invoices and receipts of the Valladolid Accounting Office, has ascertained that, as of today, nine repeat nine drums of gasoline have disappeared. The inquiry has been temporarily suspended because, since it is conducted by the scrupulous computerists of Bootes, who on Earth must be kept constantly in decompression chambers operated on strontium 90, the investigation has to date cost eighty thousand intergalactic credits, the equivalent of three million old Canadian dollars. We request the above Headquarters to authorize continuation of the inquiry until those responsible are identified.
Intergalactic Finance Command
Arcturus (Boötes)
Confidential Report
To: Intergalactic Finance Command
Arcturus (Bootes)
At the request of the local Finance Command I have carried out a rigorous inquiry into the disappearance of the nine drums of gasoline and have reached the following conclusions: the fuel was shipped from Bilbao on contraband aerorockets from Saturn and then transferred to Algol (Perseus) where said liquid (high-octane) is considered alcoholic beverage. It has not been possible to identify the whole chain of responsibility because of a conflict of jurisdiction connected with the transfer from Earth to Perseus. On Sol III, in fact, the problem would be handled by the Motor Vehicles Department, whereas on Perseus it is dealt with by Quartermaster. Suggest therefore referring the whole case to the High Command Military Spacetransport Headquarters, Procyon, as per memo No. 367/00/C112, headed "internal contraband."
HQ
Guardia Civil
Valladolid
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ASTROGRAM
FROM: HEADQUARTERS
MILITARY SPACETRANSPORT
TO: HQ INTERGALACTIC FINANCE
ARCTURUS (BOOTES)
GASOLINE DRUMS CASE REPORTED ON FORM 367/00/C112 NOT PERTINENT RESPONSIBILITIES THIS HQ AS AEROROCKETS LEAVING BILBAO FOR PROCYON MUST CARRY OUT RELATIVIZA-TION IN HYPERSPACE THUS ARRIVING DESTINATION THREE HUNDRED YEARS PRIOR TO DEPARTURE STOP PROBLEM THEREFORE RE-FERRABLE TO MILITARY HISTORICAL ARCHIVE VELLETRI AS PER FORM 450/00/SS/99/P STOP
(SIGNED) HQ MILITARY SPACETRANSPORT
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ASTROGRAM
FROM: MILITARY HISTORICAL ARCHIVE
VELLETRI
TO: HQ INTERGALACTIC FINANCE
ARCTURUS (BOÖTES)
REGRET UNABLE PROCESS YOUR REPORT AS PER FORM 450/00/SS/99/P HISTORICAL ARCHIVE BECAUSE OF INSUFFICIENT STAFF STILL OCCUPIED CATALOGUING MATERIAL FOR PERIOD BETWEEN BATTLE LEPANTO AND BOER WAR STOP
(SIGNED) MILITARY HISTORICAL ARCHIVE
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Memo from General Rebaudengo
To: Intergalactic Finance Command
Arcturus (Boötes)
What's all this about some gasoline drums? Gasoline has not been used as fuel by the army since 1999 of the so-called Vulgar Era. And what is a Motor Vehicles Department doing in Valladolid?
Rebaudengo
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Intergalactic Finance HQ
Arcturus (Boötes)
General, we quite understand your amazement, but this Command, faithful to the motto of the Intergalactic Finance Corps ("hang on"), still has to process dossiers inherited from former Military Administrations, all passed on to our Bootes archive. Actually, the file in question refers to events of several hundred years ago, but we are nevertheless able to confirm that in Valladolid a Motor Vehicles HQ does exist. The fact that this HQ no longer controls motor vehicles lies outside our area of responsibility, but we are aware that the National Petroleum Board still extant in Vinotria produces gasoline specifically for that HQ, perhaps in compliance with ancient orders not yet countermanded. Indeed, we cannot help wondering why a National Petroleum Board still exists, but exist it does, with its main office in Rome, in the same building that houses the Pension Office for Refugees from the African Colonies and the Honors Commission for awards to victims of the Napoleonic invasion.
Commanding General
Arthur Arcturus, Arcturus (Boötes)
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Confidential Memorandum
From: GHQ, Casino
To: Intergalactic Finance Command
Guardia Civil, Valladolid
Military Historical Archive, Velletri
Headquarters, Military Spacetransport
CO, Galactic Corps, Sol III
Mindful of the motto of my old regiment ("Quieta non movere, mota quietare"), I recommend shelving the entire question discussed in previous correspondence. Respect for tradition is the sustaining strength of our Glorious Army; I would therefore consider it ill-advised and impertinent to question the historic function and the fealty to the Constitution of the glorious Motor Vehicles Bureau of Valladolid, undoubtedly covered with glory in some engagement somewhere in the distant past. If, by venturing to cast doubt on the operation of some heroic unit, I caused the army to sense a lack of trust in its superior officers and in public opinion, the resultant psychological trauma would sap the devotion to duty, the spirit of self-sacrifice, the promptitude, and the morale of both the soldiers and their officers, at every level.
Inquiry shelved.
General Giansaverio Rebaudengo
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Ethnic Relativity Studies Center
Alpha Centauri
To: General Rebaudengo
As the matter of the "Valladolid gasoline" consumed on Algol as a beverage has been brought by chance to Your Excellency's attention, we would point out that this case is not unique. The army must bear in mind the awkward situations deriving from the divergences in prevalent customs and practices among components of the Intergalactic Army. For example, on receiving word of an ophthalmic epidemic among the Briareians of Regulus, the Betelgeuse Quartermaster Corps shipped to that base one hundred thousand hectoliters of boric acid solution for therapeutic purposes, unaware that on that planet boric acid is (illicitly) used as a drug. It would therefore be necessary that the various substances handled by the army be catalogued according to all their possible uses. We suggest use of the Koenig-Stumpf matrix forms, which allow (83,000)2 different combinations.
Dr. Malinowski