Tommy had switched on the wireless to listen to the news but when he saw me in the doorway, he turned it off and said, ‘It suits. Do you know, I think I like it. Yeah, I really do. It’s fabulous.’
He gave a low whistle, and only then did I realize he’d spoken in English.
The tiara was somewhat heavy, a tight fit, and I wondered, as I self-consciously took it off, why it should weigh so much. The lead, I supposed. All those rhinestones.
Tommy put that thing back on my head. He indicated that I should turn around slowly several times, then took me by the hand. ‘Would you care to dance?’ he asked. ‘You’re incredibly beautiful, but you don’t even know it, do you, and that’s something else I really like.’
It was a silent waltz, and it took us from one end of the library to the other, light as a feather. A superb dancer. Flashing diamonds and emeralds in gilt-framed mirrors, laughter in his eyes.
Again, he held me by the hand and looked steadily at me. Breathless, I smiled back at him, the excitement all too clear in my eyes and as I felt him come closer, he said, ‘I think I’d like to kiss you. May I?’
Hesitantly, lightly, oh, so tenderly. ‘Mm, a little more, monsieur.’ And it was wicked of me. I blame my French half entirely, you understand, for at that moment I wanted him more than anything. How was I to have known he’d lied to me about that tiara? How was I to have known why he had done a thing like that?
There were greenish tints in his warm brown eyes, no laughter now. ‘What is it with you, mon ami?’ I asked. ‘You come, you go, you come back again. Is it that I remind you of someone you lost?’
He didn’t answer. He leaned closer, and closer still, and putting a finger under my chin, lifted it up to give me the sweetest kiss ever, and when I heard my breath escape, I said, ‘Come to bed with me. Let’s have this moment together.’
‘Are you sure?’
Ah, mon Dieu, he was even asking! ‘Oui, mais bien sûr.’
How was either of us to know what the future would hold? Even now, when I think of Tommy, I have to think back to that night, to the start of it all. We danced some more. He held me in front of the mirror that was above the fireplace, stood behind with his arms about my waist. ‘Fix it in memory, Lily. Remember what we look like together. Treasure the moment no matter what.’
‘Always?’
He nodded, looked as if he had just made a commitment himself. ‘We hardly know each other,’ he said.
‘It doesn’t matter, not with us.’ I was so certain then.
I remember that the gown had fallen to lie on the carpet, crushed velvet with crumpled lingerie carelessly dropped on top of it, the tiara among the folds, the earrings that had been removed one by one. Naked like a fine piece of sculpture, he had such a handsome body-tall, lithe, muscular, the cheeks of his buttocks tight, the cords across the waist taut, the shoulders fantastic, the back straight. Every feature I memorized, even that he had been circumcised, the testicles full and the one hanging a little higher than the other, and I can’t think of him like that for what they must have done to him. Schiller … The Obersturmführer Schiller, the lieutenant. My sister, Jean-Guy, and Marie …
Forgive me. Let me dry my eyes and blow my nose. Let me bow my head in shame because it was all my fault.
While I lay on my stomach in that bed, so warm beneath his hand, the candles glowed on either side of us. Twists of gold, shafts of white with dribbles down them. Tiny, bright flames of softer gold.
Caressing the warm contours of my seat, he ran his hands up from the base of my spine to the nape of my neck, let his fingers slide into my hair which he kissed, then he kissed behind the ears, first the one and then the other lightly. ‘You’re lovely, Lily. You’re absolutely gorgeous.’
I must have murmured something, or was that later on? I simply don’t know. I do remember turning over and spreading my legs a little more and that I felt him holding my breasts, not touching me down there yet. Just kissing my shoulders, again the ears, the lips, the tip of my nose and forehead, those kisses lingering as if he, too, had to fix the memory of them forever.
Ripples of pleasure spread to my middle. I had good breasts, not too big, you understand. Not bruised or burned by cigarettes, not then. I was secretly proud of them even though I knew my sister’s were far more beautiful. He lifted one to his lips, and I felt him kiss it tenderly. As he wrapped his arms around me, a gossamer of candlelight gave shadows to the ceiling where fleurs-de-lis looked down on us. He had such nice shoulders. Lovely kissing lips. The muscles in his back … It’s all mixed up now, for I had begun to explore his body as he explored mine. The tiny, curly hairs at the nape of his neck-I remember caressing them as he kissed the flat of my tummy and began to explore the rest.
Pushing my hips up, I found an ear and breathed, ‘Ah, mon Dieu, that’s lovely. Please don’t stop.’
Later … was it later that I lay on top of him? I do remember pushing myself away so that my middle was pressed more firmly against him and I could feel the base of his erection, the hairs above it, and could rub myself up and down a little and move from side to side, something he encouraged, for he held my breasts again and lifted me up a little to suckle them and trace out the aureoles with his tongue.
Later … was it later that we lay there again facing each other, him saying seriously, ‘Always be straight with me, Lily. If you want out, you must say so. There’s no one else, and there won’t be.’
I remember thinking then that if he and Janine should meet, which they might, Nini would take a fancy to him. Merde, but I knew I couldn’t ever let it happen. ‘Come in me. Let me feel you inside me.’
Had he understood my worry? Had he known then about my little sister, that she’d do it with a man just to please herself and not care about the consequences?
Holding off, he began again to caress my middle and to rub his fingers gently up and down, exploring, finding, stroking, pushing lightly down, then tracing the tip of a finger around and up, and over and along, the muscles contracting in me, tightening: contact, tighten, release, and again and again, his lips on mine, his cock stiff against my leg, me reaching down to take it in hand, me wanting it and wanting it. Ah, mon Dieu, mon Dieu.
I began to toss my head from side to side. Ripples of pleasure, waves of it. Contract, tighten, release, and tighten more as I cried out and let myself go, took him in and wasn’t conscious of what I said or did, only wanted him and wanted him.
Tommy drove himself into me. Now out. Now in again and deeper, the muscles contracting fiercely at the last, the pleasure of coming taking over completely as I arched up, found his lips again, and clung to them, kissing him and kissing him as I came and came, each wave of the orgasm topping the one before until he, too, came at last and let me see the ecstasy that had filled his eyes. ‘Lily … Lily …’ How could I ever forget the sound of his voice as he gave a cry and I felt him throbbing within me, felt the hot stickiness of his semen and wanted it so much, I can still remember hoping for a child.
For a long, long time afterwards, I remember lying there, wrapped in his arms, kissing him, telling him how good he had made me feel.
‘Do you think you’re still capable of loving someone like that?’ asked Dr. Laurier.
The windows of the restaurant look out over the valley of the Aure. Mountains are all around us. We’re on the outskirts of Solothurn, heading for Bienne and the turn-off. Everything is so very clean.