… she woke to the sound of Rake snoring and got up and went to the bathroom to pee and sat on the seat and stared at her knees, which were ruddy and brushed and scabbed. Then she went back into the bedroom and went to the window and lifted a blind and stared out at the parking lot. Two cars. Their own and an old G.T.O. grainy, sandpapery in the moonlight, and the playground, the spaceship monkey bars, the swing with the rotting seat, cordoned off with chain link. She watched a police cruiser, old-style, with a single dome, deliberately slow, blink, turn in, and sit.
Rake, she whispered. He rolled over beneath the sheets and snored again and seemed to settle even deeper into sleep. The room stank. The pills glinted.
There was a thump of doors and when she peeked again the cops were outside, adjusting their belts. One removed his hat. He slid his hand a couple of times up and over his scalp in a habitual motion and then slapped the brim of his hat against his thigh, as if to shake the dust from it, cowboy-style.
Rake, she said again. She went and gave him a nudge and stood back as he snorted and rolled over and settled back into sleep. So she nudged him again and he finally turned over and said, What the fuck do you want?
Cops, she said.
He sprang up, pulling on his boxers, and went to the window, lifting the slat with his thumb.
What were you doing up?
I was just up.
You were just up?
I was just up.
You use the phone?
No.
Out front, the cops seemed to be in surveillance mode, thumbs in their belts, turning one way and another. A car passed on the road and they turned to watch it.
Cops don’t just appear out of the blue like this. They’re onto something. They sniffed us out, he whispered. This is perfect, exactly. This is hoped-for shit. It can’t get any better than this.
Pulling his shirt on, tucking it neatly, he went to his rucksack and found his gun, held it up, spun the cylinder, opened it for a check, snapped it shut, and said, Take a peek and tell me if they’re coming to the door.
She looked out and saw them moving around Rake’s car, leaning in to the windows, and then standing behind it and reading the plates. One of them held a pad and jotted something down and then went to the cruiser and sat inside, lifting the microphone to his mouth.
He’s calling something in, she said.
Rake pushed her away from the window, lifted the slat, and looked out. Put that stuff in the bag. Pack everything up. We’re in one of those situations. We’re gonna have the pleasure of blasting them both, he said. They’re gonna face something they knew they’d have to face. They just didn’t know they’d have to face it tonight. It’s that simple, he said.
Words tight and sweet. The relief of putting them together. He would start speaking and she’d gather each phrase, take in the scroll of meaning. They moved together with conspiratorial unity. She felt that much. That much was sure. She was with him, at least for now. In her ears a siren still spun, but softer, subdued. This is how it is, a voice said, far off. This is how it’s gonna be. Another voice said: Give in to this and you give in forever. Don’t give in. Another part speaking in the clear logic of survival mode. Lockstep into the formation, the grid of the moment. She had been enfolded in a routine stage set. That part is gone, they said. That part of you’s gonna be there, you’ll feel it, and you’ll want to pick at it like a scab, but don’t pick. You pick, you open it back up and the blood’ll flow. In the dark she felt this. Lockstep to survive. Do what they say to do and you’ll be all right, it’s that simple, really. They were in folding chairs in a group facing each other, going through the routine motions, the Corps Credo on the wall, the windows open slightly and the breeze coming in. Move around it, work around it, and you’ll be fine, a voice said.
Keep an eye on them, he said, reaching under the bed. The double-barrel shotgun was blunt and stupid-looking in the dim light, sawed off, like something carved from a log. He cracked it, loaded two shells, thumbed them tight, and then jerked it shut. All snap and tightness. Old monster, he called it.
The charges hovered: kidnapping a minor out of the Grid and statutory rape to begin with; murder; narcotics, dealing and using, robbery, burglary — he could speak at length about these old-school cops, small-timers like his old man, shifty fuckers who moved with a deliberation you didn’t see in city cops, shrouded in a nonchalance that was highly deceptive. All that tedium of speed-trap stakeouts, parked deep in the brambles, clocking with their eyes, trying to find some semblance of drama in a few streets and a lot of land. His old man had come home from work with a dull gaze in his eyes, laying his firearm on the table.
This’ll kill both of them if we’re lucky. If we’re not, I’m going to have to be quick with this one here, he said, tapping his belt.
I’ve got to use the bathroom, she said.
He turned and gave her a long gaze. She could feel it. His eyes looking. His eyes boring into her.
Make it quick, he said. You’re gonna answer the door when they knock. They won’t be able to get their eyes off you because they’re not used to seeing flesh like yours, and that’s going to be their death warrant.
The tiles were moldy, the grout gray around the toilet, which was little more than a grim hole gurgling softly to itself. She pulled the shower curtains back, trying not to rattle the hooks, and gazed at the window. It was small, but not too small. She climbed into the tub and pushed it up and looked out behind the hotel. A field opened up into rubble and trash with a shaggy old fence that dipped invitingly in the middle. About twenty yards past the field was a weathered clapboard house with shaded windows. Everything was starting to emerge in the first dawn light.
Into the logic of it. Words clearly spoken. Structure around everything, the lines graphed and solid. Eyes still slightly blurry. As if rising up out of deep water into the fresh light suddenly, but it’s still dark in the hotel room. You can run, but then, that wouldn’t be in the nature of the program, so to speak, someone said. In any case, running goes against the nature of your rehabilitation. You run and you run toward that which was enfolded, so to speak. Or you run around it. You feel it and want to know it and also know that to know it would be to know way too much, so to speak, someone said.
Hurry it up in there, he said.
I just have to wipe.
Wipe fast. They’re down by the office right now.
There’s nothing in my dreams, just some ugly memories, a voice said from behind her. The restrictions of a drugged state, someone had said. Tripizoid with enfolding is salvation. You can’t say that for most of them. You can say it, but it wouldn’t be true.
Get out there, he said.
She went and stood where he told her, in her nightie, shivering, her nipples rough against the lace.
Just stand like that and tell them something sweet and nice. Give them the works. I’ll let you improvise this time. You’ll be the first thing they see. They’ll be dazed and dazzled small-time pokes. They’ll reach up to rub their unshaven chins and that’s when I’ll step out and give them a blast of pure reality.
He braced the shotgun against his leg while from outside came the distinct clumpy sound of cops who weren’t trying to hide their own presence; cops with an upfront style that reflected the tedium of their lives. At the door they stopped, knocked, and said, Open up, police. One or two beats, and then she sang out, One minute, and then waited another few beats and then said, Hold on, and then another beat and she went and unchained the lock and gazed out at faces leaning in to catch sight of her — she felt it, the light and their gaze forcefully upon her hips and the flat of her belly. One cop had baby fat on his cheeks and small lips and even smaller eyes and a complacent look. He was starting to smile, shifting his weight slightly while behind him the second cop was older, lean, with deep-set eyes, picking his teeth.