Set to music, it would have been one of those act-break showstoppers Elise abhorred.
“We’ll see,” said Dusty, suddenly more depressed than ever. “We’ll see.”
“Okay, all right,” said the manager, breezily putting a button on it. “Now: I know the moment isn’t opportune, but we need to talk about the Bloodthrone sequel before I’m stuck on a plane for a hundred and forty-seven hours. It’s a spectacular offer. They’re up to five million for six weeks.”
“Shut the front door. Are you frickin’ serious?”
“Completely. Joss has been wonderful.”
“Love Joss.”
“He certainly didn’t have to bend anyone’s arm but he did tell Bob to make sure you were very happy.”
“Aw! Isn’t he a doll? And so talented. He’s an artist. Love him.”
“And Bob knew Elise had to be happy.”
“Aw! Eliza Doolittle, sweet dragon lady!”
“They want you to do Comic-Con but everyone does Comic-Con.”
“Love me a rock-star Comic-Con.”
“So I can close?”
“Fuck yeah. And let’s get something for Joss, don’t you think? Maybe a BeoVision? Or a Tesla! Oh my God, Ellie, let’s get him the new little Tesla. Let’s get him three—he can give ’em to his kids.”
“We’ll talk about it when the check clears,” said Elise, slyly. “How’s the shoot going?”
“It’s heaven.”
“It’ll get you nominated.”
“Ya think?”
“Yup. One for love, one for money. That’s the way we do it.”
“Did Mama tell you that too?”
“You better believe it.”
“But I want to do three for love and ten for money!”
“Greedy girl.”
“I’m totally serious!”
“I know you are.”
“’Cause I get worried ’cause I’m getting so old.”
“You are not old. And only Meryl has the kind of career you do, so don’t talk foolishness.”
“I’ll take Meryl’s career and she can take mine.”
“Ha! I’ll put in a call.” She stood. “All right, gotta go. I’m checking in with you from London, okay, Mrs. Wilding? And if I don’t hear back, I’m going to worry. I want you to keep me in the loop. Tell me how Allegra’s doing — and how you’re doing. Got it? Ellie’s orders.”
—
Dusty Skyped her shrink from the trailer.
“I had the weirdest dream last night. I was on set, in the movie I’m doing now — kinda-sorta this movie… but no one was paying attention. To me. I was… completely ignored. Actor’s nightmare, huh. I mean, I was… the only one standing still. Everyone was, just, whirligigging around me, with some sort of blind purpose. And I just stood there. I remember wanting to talk, but I couldn’t. Like being frozen. Then I realized I was ‘second team’—a stand-in — for myself! A camera double. They were all, like, getting ready for the ‘real’ me to arrive.”
“Do you hear what you’re saying?” said Ginevra, with a smile.
“Oh God. It’s so transparent!” The epiphany embarrassed her.
“You said you were frozen. What is it that freezes us?”
Dusty let a few seconds go by. “Fear?”
“In your dream, you’re ‘on set’—you already have a purpose. The others have a purpose too, but they’re ‘blind.’ Your purpose is real. Your eyes are open but you just can’t see what that purpose is.”
“Uh huh,” she said, grasping at revelation.
“You’re so close, Dusty.”
“I guess losing the baby brought up a lot of old shit.”
“Maybe some new shit too.”
“Old wounds.”
“Mother wounds.”
“Do you know I haven’t seen Reina in six months?” They sat awhile in silence while Dusty head-tripped. “It just feels so… karmically fucked. I was ready for this little girl, Ginevra! All the work I’ve been doing, with you, for years now, fucking years! I mean, an argument could be made that I gave Aurora away, but this — this one was fucking taken from me and I’m fucking livid, Ginevra!” She grabbed some Kleenex and blew her nose. “I can’t start crying, we’re about to shoot…”
“Talk about that — this place you go. That you ‘gave Aurora away.’ This so-called argument. Because it just doesn’t sync with the reality of what happened.”
“But I didn’t try to find her, Ginevra! I abandoned her!”
“Who was abandoned, Dusty? Who? It was you who were abandoned.”
“Oh, what difference does it make!” she said, disgusted. “It’s — it’s like that workshop I took on the Hindu gods. Kali… the Great Mother, Great Destroyer. Is that what I am, Ginevra? A great destroyer?”
“Not ‘destroyer,’ no. Great Mother, yes—”
“Bullshit! God! How can you even say that?”
“All women are. Honor that, Dusty! But you need to be that Great Destroyer too — to destroy all these terribly damaging ideas you have about what you did and who you are and how you’re to blame. Those ideas will take you down if you let them. You’re on a journey, Dusty, a hero’s journey. And your mother—Reina—your daughter—Aurora—and the baby Allegra lost — that both of you lost — they’re all teachers.”
“O God, Ginevra, I am so fucking sick of teachers and fucking journeys! I just want to graduate already and get wherever the fuck it is I’m going! And be whoever I’m supposed to be… I am so tired of playing a role. Playing roles … I’ve been playing Mother all my life with everyone I love, even the people I don’t! Protecting and nurturing and taking care of—”
“—of everyone but you. That’s what your dream was saying, can you see? The ‘real’ you is about to arrive on set: ‘First Team.’ Isn’t that the term? The phrase they use? Well, maybe it’s time to go home. Yes, we’ve done a lot of work. You have — brave, hard work. Maybe now it’s time to go home.”
There was a rap at the door. They needed her on set.
“I don’t even know what that means, Ginevra.”
“I don’t believe that.”
“I don’t know what home is.”
“I think you know exactly. Because you’re already there. Open your eyes and you’ll see that you’re home.”
—
On Wednesday, they began night shoots.
She had a few errands to run. On the way out she found Allegra on a chaise by the pool, reading her script.
“Hey there,” said Dusty.