“Right now, it’s just too much for me. I’m trying to get my life back together, and I can’t do this. Yeah, coming out to that hotel to meet you, and having all that stuff happen, that didn’t help any. That definitely made it feel… I don’t know. Just not right. But it would have come eventually, you know what I mean? The whole idea of me coming down here, I was just going to clean up this house. I was going to sell it and go away and never look back. That’s what I was going to do.”
I looked out the window. I looked at the clouds and the snowflakes floating slowly in the air.
“I have to, Alex. Do you know what I’m talking about? Please, Alex. Please say something.”
“I hear you, Natalie. I understand what you’re saying.”
“I’m sorry.”
“Look, I know you’re still dealing with what happened to you.”
“It’s not about that,” she said. “That was a long time ago.”
“I know, but it’s still there. You told me so yourself.”
“Just forget about that, okay? Forget I ever told you.”
“I can’t, Natalie.”
“Okay, now I’ve got to get off the phone,” she said. “Because I’m going to start crying here. Okay? I’m not going to do that.”
“Okay,” I said. “Okay.”
“I’ll talk to you later. Maybe I’ll call you in a couple of days.”
“That’s fine.”
“Please take care of yourself.”
“You, too,” I said.
Then she hung up.
You, too. That’s all I could say to her. You, too.
I got up and went outside, because I’d be damned if I was going to sit there feeling sorry for myself. That wasn’t going to happen, not for one single minute.
You met somebody. You did something good for her. She has her own life, but now it’s going in a different direction. And all that other crap you tell yourself. All that worthless crap.
You were just fooling yourself, Alex. You should have known better.
I plowed the road and I chopped some wood. I didn’t feel like going down to the Glasgow, so I just went back inside and had some more pizza. It was cold now. I sat at the table and ate cold pizza with a lukewarm beer.
The phone rang. For one instant I thought it might be Natalie calling me back, then in the next instant I hated myself for hoping that it was. It turned out to be Leon again.
“The funeral is day after tomorrow,” he said.
“Yeah, so?”
“So you should go.”
“Why?”
“Alex, are you all right? You sound a little down.”
“No, I’m okay. I just don’t understand why I should go to Mr. Grant’s funeral.”
“I’m just thinking,” he said. “This is your best chance to find out more about him. Maybe you’ll even recognize somebody there. At the very least, you can meet his family, tell them how sorry you are. If it goes well, you could even ask them to help you figure out why he thought he knew you.”
“I don’t think I want to do that.”
“I’m not telling you to crash the funeral, Alex. I’m just saying, go pay your respects. There’s nothing wrong with that.”
“I’ll think about it,” I said. “Thanks again for your help.”
“You sure you’re okay?”
“I’m just fine, Leon. I’m just fine.”
It started snowing harder. The wind picked up and whistled through the chinks in the walls. I put more wood in the stove.
The phone rang again. I went through the same routine again, as unavoidable as a reflex. Maybe it’s her. But this time it was a man from downstate, asking me if there was enough snow up here to jump-start the snowmobile season. I told him there sure as hell was. He made a reservation.
I knew others would come. I’d be busy again. That was good.
The phone didn’t ring again. I plowed one more time, then I went to bed. I lay there staring at the ceiling, listening to the wind.
Someday, I thought, that’ll be me. The whole picture came into my head, all at once. I’ll sit at the Glasgow Inn all day. Maybe Jackie will be gone by then. His son will own the place. But I’ll still go down there and nobody will mind, because I won’t be bothering anybody. I’ll sit there and look out the window and think about things that happened a long time ago. Then one night I’ll go outside into the cold, cold air and they won’t find me until the next morning.
Just like Simon Grant. Frozen stiff in a pile of snow. All alone.
That’ll be me.
Chapter Six
The men from downstate arrived the next day. They must have gotten up at three in the morning to get here so early. There were four of them in two SUVs, with four identical Arctic Cat sleds on the two big trailers. I got them set up in the third cabin and stacked a quarter cord of wood by their front door. Then I went back to my cabin, split another full cord, then plowed the road again.
I cleaned my cabin within an inch of its life, throwing out food from the refrigerator and picking up old magazines and books. I finally hung those extra shelves I needed. I even cleaned the bathroom.
It kept snowing lightly all day long. I went out and plowed again, then shoveled the walkways in front of all the cabins. I knew they’d all be occupied before the week was over.
Finally, I went down to the last cabin site and knocked most of the snow off the blue tarp. I wished like hell I could get back to work rebuilding it. That’s the kind of job I could lose myself in for days at a time. But that would have to wait until springtime.
When the day was almost over, I went down to Jackie’s place. He slid a cold Canadian my way. I asked for a little something else to go with it. He poured me a shot and watched me knock it back. He didn’t say a word.
I had dinner by the fire. Vinnie LeBlanc came in and sat down next to me. His ear was still taped up and in the firelight I could see the scar on his cheek, the scar that he would carry for the rest of his life. It made me think about how he had gotten it, and how I had met this woman named Natalie up there, this policewoman from the OPP.
“You don’t look so good,” he said to me.
“What else is new?”
“Things okay with Natalie?”
“Things aren’t okay. I’m not sure they’re anything at all.”
He nodded his head. “I’m sorry, Alex.”
“It’s all right.”
Jackie brought me another beer and another shot. He stood above me like he was going to say something, but he never did. He put his hand on my shoulder for a moment, then walked away.
“I’m impressed,” I said to Vinnie. “He didn’t even say, ‘I told you so.’”
Vinnie didn’t comment on that, or on anything else. That was one of the best things about the man. He didn’t try to make small talk. We sat by the fire and I picked up the Sault Evening News and read the lead story about Simon Grant’s death. Then I turned to the obituary.
If I had read that obituary a little more carefully, I might have saved myself a hell of a lot of trouble. But I didn’t.
“I’m going back,” I said, folding up the paper. “I’ll see you later.” I tapped my fist on Vinnie’s head.
“Calling it a night?” Jackie said as I put my coat on.
“I’m going to bed,” I said, “right after I go dig out my suit. I’m going to a funeral tomorrow.”
The next day was cold. There was a bitter wind from the north, the kind of wind that blew the snow into your eyes and knifed its way through your warmest coat. The snowmobilers were up early, tearing up the trails that run along the back of my property. I could hear the whine of the engines as I got up and got dressed. I put my suit on and my gray wool overcoat, which wouldn’t be warm enough, I knew, but you can’t wear a big mackinaw coat over a suit. Not even in the Upper Peninsula.
St. Mary’s was on Portage Avenue, just a few blocks down from the Ojibway Hotel, and just a few blocks away from where Mr. Grant froze to death, for that matter. I got there around 12:30. The funeral mass would start at one o’clock. I sat in the parking lot with the engine running to stay warm, watching the people go into the church. Everyone kept their heads down against the wind and held their coats tight against their chests.