I wait for a response, but receive nothing. As much as I want to call her, I don’t. She’s pissed and rightfully so. I have to keep reminding myself that I’m not worthy of her. The hardest part is figuring out if I’m worthy of anyone. The past few weeks I haven’t felt alone, which is all I’ve felt for the past three years. Now, it’s back and so is the shell of the man I’ve become. Maybe my mom’s right. Maybe I need to join a support group for “healing”. Although I know everyone in those groups is there for the same unspoken reason: misery loves company.
I know just a few miles away my dad is watching the sunrise too while my mom continues to sleep. He’ll be here soon to pick me up. Unless he gets called into the hospital, this is our new routine: sunrise, coffee, and rowing. My dad has rowed his whole life. In college he was on the heavyweight crew and I followed in his footsteps in college after he introduced me to sculling in high school. He’s been a member of the Cambridge Boat Club for years and quickly moved through my membership application as soon as I came back to town.
“Looks like a perfect morning,” my dad comments as we stare at a few other sculls already gliding along the river while we finish our coffee.
“Yep.”
“You’re quiet this morning.” He’s always been a man of few words but very direct.
I shrug. “Tired, I didn’t sleep well.” We both continue to stare at the water.
“This about Portland or the girl?”
I give him a one-grunt laugh. “Neither, both, hell if I know.”
“Let’s go, then. You just need to clear your head.” He finishes the last of his coffee and gestures toward the water.
It’s been four days since I’ve seen Vivian. Uncontrolled nerves have hijacked my body like a goddamn smoker having withdrawals. I’m short with Chance—fidgety, unfocused, and miserable. It doesn’t help that my mom keeps reminding me that they’re leaving in three days for Portland.
“Easy, bro, that’s the fifth paver you’ve busted today.” Chance shakes his head. “What the hell is going on with you? Did you tease your dick with that girl one too many times?”
I toss the rubber mallet to the side and grab my water. “We never had sex, dipshit.”
“What? Why the hell not?”
Wiping my brow, I shake my head. “Virgin.”
Chance drops to his knees, bends over, and pounds his gloved fists on the ground. “Why, why, why does everyone think you’re the smart one? You are a total dumb fuck!”
I grab another brick and continue working. The only thing surprising about Chance’s reaction is that it’s not more extreme. I expected him to beg for her phone number.
He stands back up and grabs his shovel. “It doesn’t change your fucking moron status, but I’ll let it slide today since I have a date this weekend.” Chance grins and I see the canary feather sticking out of his sly cat grin.
“A date, huh? As in you called a girl and planned something in advance as opposed to the usual last minute drunken pick up?”
“Yep, well, actually she called me. But that’s not the craziest part. As you know I’m not really a wine and dine ’em kind of guy, but the one girl who I’d like to take to dinner and savor my time with, told me dinner was the optional part of the date.”
“She sounds like a real gem, the kind you bring home to meet the parents.” I chuckle.
“That’s just it, she is that girl. You know her.”
I sit back on my knees and squint at him. “Who?”
“Viv.” He grins.
“Vivian?”
“Yeah, Vivian Graham from The Green Pot.”
I shake my head in disbelief or maybe to clear it, because there is no way I’m hearing him correctly. “You’re full of shit.”
Chance laughs. “Sometimes, but not about this. She called me last night and said my years of annoying but diligent nagging are about to payoff. She said ‘one night’ and dinner is optional. Now, I may not have a degree from Harvard, but I know when a girl is offering up sex and nothing else.”
How does she do it? How does she blow my mind over and over again? This is ridiculous and beyond stupid on her part.
“Chance, you can’t sleep with her.”
“Um, now see, that’s the difference between you and me. I don’t have an issue with consensual casual sex. Have you taken a good look at her? Man, those long legs wrapped around—”
“Yes! I’ve seen her. Just shut your goddamn trap about her. Show a little respect would you?”
He holds up his hands. “Chill, dude! You don’t have to be so touchy. What’s your deal lately?”
“Just stop talking and get back to work.” I sigh.
Chapter Seven
Moving On
Vivian
Oliver deserves the biggest prick award. What guy doesn’t want to be a girl’s first? Claim her. Plant his flag. Make his mark. Maybe he’s just selfish and assumes I won’t be good in bed, that I won’t be able to satisfy him. I put him too high on a pedestal way too quick.
My poor mom thought I was still depressed about the accident and my dad—typical guy—assumed I was PMSing when I sulked around their house for two days. I’ve felt hurt then angry then back to hurt again, finally settling on pissed, bitchy, and out for redemption. Oliver made me believe for a moment, a small moment, that I could be with a man someday. He reminded me that beauty is not skin deep. Then he made it clear that sexual experience matters.
So just like getting an unsightly mole removed, I’m going to get rid of my virginity. It’s so overrated. It’s not like I feel special still having mine. I can’t put it on a résumé or anything like that. The first time will be a stick, a pinch, and a burn just like getting my ears pierced or a shot at the doctor’s office. I didn’t make a big deal out of getting my ears pierced. It’s not as if the specialist who put two holes in my ears sends me Christmas and birthday cards. Heck, I don’t know if she ever even told me her name.
As always, Kai is letting me stay with him until Alex’s parents leave. And, as always, I’ve been invited to dinner with Alex and her parents at the place I call home ninety percent of the time. The timing is good. I need to grab another change of clothes to get me through the rest of the week.
“Do you have your key?” Kai questions as I get ready to leave.
“They’re going to be there, why do I need my key?”
“No, to your bedroom.”
I always lock my bedroom door before Alex’s parents come to visit. She told them that she’s taking up painting but not ready to share her masterpieces with the world. The crazy part? They believe her.
“Thanks, and yes, I have my key.”
“Well, you know where I’ll be.” He sighs.
I don’t even acknowledge him before closing the door behind me. Kate is coming home in a week and Kai promised he’d repaint the living room while she’s gone because she can’t handle the fumes. He’s just now taping everything off. The downside will be Kate reaming his ass because she’ll still smell it and know that he waited until the last minute to do it. The upside is Kai has something to do that doesn’t require me entertaining him.
It’s only a mile to our place from Kai’s. I’ve walked it so many times over the past two years I think I could do it blindfolded. The first thing that I notice is Alex’s parents’ black SUV parked by the curb with its New York license plates. Then I notice my neighbor walking in the opposite direction toward his place. He’s still dressed in his work clothes so I imagine he’s just gotten off the subway train. When he spots me I make a quick diversion with my eyes praying he doesn’t say anything before I can hurry into the house.