I shove her off the bed. “Shut up. I’m just getting rid of my yeast infection, nothing more.”
She stands back up with a goofy grin. “Oh, by the way … my parents are leaving tonight. My dad has to get back for a meeting and I’m going to Sean’s as soon as they leave. So no need to pack more stuff.” She gestures to my bag. “You’ll be here by yourself to bask in your non-virgin glow. Unless you stay the night at Chance’s.”
“Yeah, not happening.”
Oliver
Another self-diagnosis. I’m reverting back to childish ways of discarding a toy and deciding I want it again when my younger brother claims it for his own. The difference is I don’t want Vivian, I need her. Not because I want to. I don’t. The last thing I ever wanted was to need someone again.
“Where should I take Viv to dinner tonight?” Chance asks as we load up the truck.
He’s managed to go the past two days without mentioning his date, until now.
“I don’t know. Where do you usually go … oh, that’s right, you usually just have meaningless sex and send them off with cab fare and a gift card to Panera.”
“I’ll have you know I give them a Charlie Card for the subway or bus because cab fare is ridiculously expensive and the gift card is to 7-Eleven, not Panera.” We both get in the truck and he adjusts his baseball cap with his familiar dumb-shit grin smeared across his face.
“You’re an idiot.”
“I’d rather be an idiot taking Viv back to my place tonight than a nerd going home by myself.”
“Whatever.” I sigh looking out the window. I should tell him Vivian is my neighbor, the girl I was seeing, the virgin, but I can’t. He wouldn’t understand why I broke things off with her, and he wouldn’t understand why I need her. I can’t even explain it to myself. Maybe he’ll get sick. Maybe she’ll get cold feet. Maybe I’ll lose the last bit of my sanity sitting alone in my house imagining them together.
Most likely I’ll get drunk and pass out because my mind has nowhere to go that isn’t painful. I’m barely holding it together knowing my parents are in Portland. Everywhere my thoughts travel, there is a road block. I could find a detour and deal with each problem one at a time, but it’s easier to just idle until I run out of gas, stalled in the middle of nowhere, completely alone.
“What would you think about swapping vehicles for tonight?” Chance asks, pulling up to the curb in front of my house.
I look across the street and dream of Vivian stepping out of her door, Chance making the connection, and maybe their date tonight getting cancelled. No such luck.
“Don’t you think she’d wonder why you’re driving my car?”
“How would she know it’s yours? Do you have the title taped to the dash?”
“Why would she think you drive a BMW?”
“Duh, because I’m a successful business owner. It would only make sense that I have a non-work car.”
I open my door. “Then why don’t you?”
Chance’s eyes widen and he juts his head toward me. “Because I’m not that successful, but she doesn’t need to know that.”
“Uh, yes she does. Drive your truck. Maybe she’ll tell Maggie how poor you are and we’ll get a good deal on our next order. So, see ya, and don’t be a jerk tonight.” I slam the door.
I’ve spent years studying, observing, and dealing with the legal consequences of self-destructive behavior. Anyone else in my shoes would run and take cover knowing that the fuse has been lit at both ends. Not me. I can’t control my emotions, not the ones that have bloomed and are waiting to die, or the ones that are opening up and waiting to be acknowledged. They’re becoming tangled in my head and creeping into my every thought.
Mom: They bloomed, Oliver. Oh my goodness, they bloomed! Maybe they’ve been waiting for you.
I look down at my phone.
Me: Maybe they’ve been waiting for the sun.
Mom: Yes, my son.
I shut off my phone for a while so she gets that I’m not discussing this with her. Then I look at my couch and see the small blue and gray striped decorative pillow my mom bought last month. It’s survived longer than any other. I think of her message, then I think of Chance, then I think of Vivian. It’s thin cotton with weak stitching, and I usually open these flimsy pillows like a bag of chips, but for some reason I grab a knife from the kitchen and stab it over and over until there’s nothing left but an empty tattered shell and white polyester fiber filling everywhere.
Fuck it! Fuck her! Fuck everyone!
Tossing the knife on the coffee table, I collapse on the couch and rake my hands through my hair, breathless from my pent up anger. Reaching in my pocket, I pull out my phone and turn it back on.
Mom: You’re exactly where you need to be. In your own time, dear.
I notice the time: 7:00 p.m. Grabbing my wallet and keys, I rush out the door, driven by something that doesn’t yet make sense in my head. Maybe it’s where I need to be at this time.
I ease my car to a stop along the street at the opposite end of the alley from where Chance parks. Within a few minutes I see his truck stop along the curb and like the gentleman he is not, he opens the passenger side door. His chivalry pisses me off more than if he’d just grope her ass and show his true colors. Vivian’s knee-length skirt flows in the light breeze, as does her long raven hair, while he guides her into the alley with his hand on her back. They stop at his door and he bends down with his mouth next to her ear. Vivian’s head falls back in laughter as he unlocks his door.
My knee bounces out of control while my fists clench at a steady rhythm. I could call him and fake an emergency, but it wouldn’t be more than a temporary fix. This same scene would play out another night. I watch the clock on my phone, trying to decide if I’m here to stop her or pick up the pieces when she walks out his door later. God, that’s the million dollar question. If I want her, then I should see if she goes through with it and maybe that will be the answer for me. But if I need her, then there’s no way in hell I can let Chance have her tonight.
Tick-tock.
Knee bouncing.
Fists clenching.
Heart racing.
Fuck it! I need her.
I’m not sure how many paces are between my car and Chance’s front door, but I’m certain I just halved it.
Bang, bang, bang!
Chance opens the door with his face contorted in confusion. “Bro, what are you doing here?”
I brush past him. Vivian sits on the couch holding a glass of wine—she’s probably already drunk—and there’s some soft music playing through his speakers. Her daring eyes widen as I approach.
“Oliver, what are you doing?”
“Dude, what’s going on?” Chance calls behind me, but I keep my eyes on Vivian as I hold out my hand to her.
She stares at it, then me. “No.” She shakes her head.
“Oliver, do you mind telling us what’s going on?” Chance rests his hand on my shoulder, but I shrug it off.
“Vivian is my neighbor.” I grit my teeth.
“Your … what? She’s who you’ve been—”
“Yes, and now she’s coming with me.”
Vivian sets her wine down and stands, crossing her defiant arms. “I’m not going anywhere with you.”
“Viv, you’re the virgin?” Chance asks.
Vivian throws her hands in the air. “Oh. My. God! Has it gone viral online too? Does everyone know I’m a virgin?” She grabs her purse, storming to the door. “Why is it such a damn big deal?” she yells.