I fight to keep my emotions controlled. “I thought things between you two were—”
“Jesus! He just lost his sister. I’ve been his best friend forever. Now’s not the time to get into this! What is your deal with him?”
My head jerks back. “My deal with him? Are you serious? My deal is that ever since we went to Cape Cod all I can see is his dick in your mouth. That’s all I could see this morning. It’s all I—”
“Oh my God! I knew it. I knew something was wrong this morning. Unbelievable! I spent over a hundred dollars on lingerie and sucked your cock for over thirty minutes swallowing every time and all you thought about was Kai?” She backs up closer to the front door while shaking her head, face tense.
“Viv—”
“Don’t! I gave you all of me. I gave you something no other man has ever had. I gave up a sixteen-year friendship for you. I shared the most painful part of my past with you and what have you given me?”
I can barely breathe as the blood runs cold through my veins.
“What happened in Portland? Why are you so afraid of pillows and what in God’s name is behind that locked door upstairs?” The anger in her voice is raw … unrecognizable.
I take a step back. Her words become a distant echo.
“Nothing? Is that all you’ve got? Fine then. I’ll be in Hartford with my best friend grieving the loss of his sister, a sister I thought of as my own. So if the only thoughts that you have to share are ones of pathetic jealousy about some other guy’s dick in my mouth, then I think this…” she gestures her finger between us “…was a huge mistake.”
Tears drown her cheeks and I hate myself for it. In this moment I realize how fucked-up I am because not a single word escapes my mouth as I watch her walk out the door.
Vivian
“You didn’t have to drive me home,” Kai speaks, ending a half hour of silence.
“I did. It’s not safe for you to drive when you’re so distracted.”
“Your boyfriend okay with you driving me home?” He keeps his gaze out his window.
“Yes.” I lie because I don’t want him to know what happened. The heavy weight on my heart from the loss of Beth has only been compounded by leaving Oliver. I don’t even have to say the words aloud for the tears to sting my eyes. That’s what I did, I left Oliver. In the moment I was running on adrenaline-driven emotions, and the reality of what I said and what he didn’t say has not hit me yet with full impact.
“Sean said you moved in with him.”
“How are your parents doing?” I refuse to continue talking about Oliver and me.
Kai lifts his shoulders. “Sarah said Mom’s a mess but Dad hasn’t cried yet. Denial, I guess.”
Kai’s older sister, Sarah, is an emergency ER doctor in Hartford, and she was working when Beth was brought to the hospital. I can’t even begin to imagine what that had to be like for her.
“How about Sarah?”
“She’s staying strong for Mom and Dad.”
He shakes his head. “I just can’t wrap my own head around it.” His voice cracks.
I reach over and take his hand. He looks over and squeezes mine and doesn’t let go until we reach his house.
“Coming?” I ask as I open my door.
Kai stares at the house like he’s seeing it for the first time. “I don’t know if I can handle walking through the front door and not hearing her voice.”
Beth was six years younger than Kai, and she had the most enthusiastic spirit.
I wipe a few stray tears. “I know, Kai.”
Opening his door, I offer my hand and he takes it. I lead him up the front walk and his grip on me tightens as we get closer.
Silence. I expect to hear his parents or Sarah, but it’s dark and silent.
“Where are your parents?”
“They’re staying with Sarah. Dad said my mom can’t even sleep in the house right now.”
I nod and flip on the entry light. “Well it’s late. I’ll call you in the morning, okay?”
“Don’t go.” His eyes are bloodshot, his voice weak. “I don’t want to be by myself.”
“Kai—”
“Viv, I need my friend tonight.”
“Okay,” I whisper and then the wish list begins. I wish Beth were here telling us about her latest crush. I wish Kai and I had never been more than friends, which would make it easier to always be friends. I wish Oliver were the one leading me to his bedroom. I wish I knew Oliver, all of him. And since everything I want is so far from reality, I’m going to go ahead and wish for flying unicorns, my own private island off the coast of Australia, and world peace.
Kai kicks off his shoes and collapses onto his bed, staring at his ceiling.
“I’m going to use the bathroom.”
He nods, not looking at me.
After washing my face and finger brushing my teeth, because I didn’t bring in my bag from the car, I crawl into bed next to Kai. He turns and faces me. We stare at each other in silence—maybe like there’s nothing to say, but more like there’s everything to say but the words are just too painful.
As I start to drift off to sleep, my phone rings.
“Hello?”
“Hi.” My heart skips a beat with one word because it’s one word from Oliver.
“Hi,” I whisper.
“Were you sleeping?”
“Just about.”
“Listen, I’m—”
“Who is it, Viv?” Kai asks sending my world into yet another disastrous tailspin.
“Are you sleeping with him?” Oliver’s icy voice pierces my ears.
I grimace and take a deep swallow, sitting up and turning my back to Kai. “His parents are not here and he didn’t want to be alone so—”
“So you’re sleeping with him?”
I stand and walk out of the room without looking back at Kai. “Don’t do this,” I whisper, leaning my head against the wall in the hallway.
“Don’t do what? Be pissed that your idea of comforting your ex-boyfriend is to sleep with him?”
“Yes, Oli, sleep with him. I’m not sucking his dick or anything like that. I’m lying next to him in bed, fully clothed, so for one night he doesn’t feel completely alone in the world.”
“You’re so naive.”
“Excuse me?” I’ve never felt the age difference between us before now. He’s treating me like a child.
“You’re not a doe-eyed virgin anymore and he’s not your five-year-old buddy down the street who doesn’t think of you as a girl.”
“It’s not about that. This is a simple case of you not trusting me. Do you know how that makes me feel?”
He sighs. “I trust you, Vivian, it’s him that I don’t trust. He manipulates you. Have you forgotten why you ended things with him last weekend?”
“This is different. His sister died.”
“Yes, she did and that’s terrible. You drove him home. Make him a casserole or send flowers and a card, but don’t fucking crawl into his bed!”
“You’re being a jerk!”
“Yeah, well I won’t even say what sleeping with him makes you.”
I press end and shut off the power to my phone.
“Viv?” Kai calls from the bedroom.
I close my eyes and wipe the tears. I’m so sick of the pain and anger, but more than anything … I’m sick of men.
I haven’t heard from Oliver in two days. Then again, I only turn my phone on as needed. He could leave me a message but he hasn’t, and that in itself says a lot. Kai’s dad has come back home to stay with him, although his mom is still at Sarah’s. Kai wonders if she’ll ever come back home. The past two nights I’ve stayed with my parents even though Kai wanted me to stay with him. One night was enough since his dad is there now.