“You do realize she’ll probably never see the outside of that facility again, right?”
“Yes, we know it’s a long shot, Oliver, but we’re her parents and you’re her—”
“Nothing. I’m her nothing. Husband, only by law, but that won’t be for long.”
Doug nods and Lily wipes a few tears. “Before you left they had started to reduce her meds. The doctors were optimistic that she might make a recovery given enough time. Now she’s…” Doug’s eyes start to fill with tears “…she’s a shell, an empty vessel and … we just want our daughter back.”
Oliver releases my hand then rests his elbows on his knees with his head bowed into his hands. “I don’t know what this has to do with me.”
“She needs you!” Lily’s kept emotions burst with a desperate plea.
Doug hugs her to him and strokes her back. “We think she’ll come back around, at least to the daughter we recognize, if you’re there. If she thinks you haven’t abandoned her, she might find the will to do the therapy again, and start interacting with others. She might find … the will to live.”
“I can’t … I … won’t.”
“Oliver, please! Once she’s doing better we’ll be able to explain to her that your marriage is over and she’ll be better equipped to handle it if you give her some sort of closure instead of just abandoning her. Can’t you do this for her? For us? For … Melanie?”
I feel Oliver’s rage a split second before it erupts. “Get the fuck out of here! Don’t you dare ask me to help Caroline for my dead daughter’s sake! She suffocated her with a pillow! Do you get that? A two month-old baby, killed by her own mother! Why in God’s name would I try to help Caroline now if I didn’t want to help her then?”
Oliver’s words are a brutal slap to Doug and Lily. Their faces contort into painful grimaces.
Oliver stands and paces the floor with his hands on his hips. “That day … when I found her … my biggest regret was calling 9-1-1. You don’t know how bad I wanted to take the knife that was in her bloodied, limp hand and shove it into her ruthless heart.”
Lily sobs as Doug helps her to her feet. He opens the front door and turns. “I don’t even recognize you, Oliver. You’re not the loving man our Caroline married.” Doug’s gaze shifts to me. “Good luck, Vivian. You’re going to need it.”
Oliver
Vivian sits idle in the chair, holding Rosenberg. I don’t understand why she’s still here. I just admitted the one thing I never imagined admitting—I wanted Caroline to die. But it’s more than that. I didn’t want to stand by and watch her bleed out. I wanted to kill her.
She stands. Here it comes, the goodbye that will send me spiraling into the personal hell from which I had just started to emerge. I press my palm to my chest to keep my heart from leaping out after her; it knows she’s the rhythm to which it beats.
I close my eyes as she approaches the door where I stand. Of all the mental images I will forever have of Vivian, her walking out my door … out of my life, cannot be one of them.
Her hand on my cheek, so gentle, tears me apart. “I’m taking Rosenberg out to go potty. Then we’ll go eat. Okay, babe?”
I open my tear-filled eyes and suck in a shaky breath so desperate my lungs have a physical flashback to the day I was born.
She wipes her thumb under my eye as her lips curl into a tight, painful smile.
“Vivian—” I try to swallow back my emotions.
“Oli…” she tilts her head to the side “…no take backs. Remember?”
I’m paralyzed by her love. I know if I move I’ll wake from this dream, so I stand still—completely still—and pray this moment lasts forever.
“Come on, Rosenberg.” Her voice fades as she walks outside.
I stop the chanting in my brain. It’s always the same one. You don’t deserve her. You don’t deserve her …
And I replace it with two words repeating over and over. Thank you! Thank you …
“Ready, babe?” She sets Rosenberg down and grabs her purse.
I can’t stop staring at her. It’s the craziest thing. Part of me feels like I’m seeing her for the first time. The other part feels like I’ve known her my whole life—that part I call my heart.
“I’m ready.” I hold out my hand, and as certain as my morning sun stealing the darkness, she takes it.
“Oli?” Her angelic voice brings me out of my sleep. I kiss the top of her head that rests on my chest. “I think you should go to Portland.”
I scoot over and turn on the lamp. We both sit up facing each other.
“Why would you say that?”
She looks down and traces the pattern of the sheet with her finger. “I think you need closure.”
“I need my divorce to be finalized.”
She looks at me. “It’s more than that.”
“It’s not.” I shut the light off and flop back down with my arm over my eyes.
She reaches over me and turns the light back on. “Yes, it is. Oli, you lost a child, and whether you want to believe it or not, you lost your wife that same day.”
“I—” She puts her finger over my mouth.
“Not because you wanted her to die, because in that moment the Caroline you married was lost forever. I know you, Oli. You would not have married her if you didn’t love her. And when people lose the ones they love, it hurts. You can’t let go of the pain until you let yourself feel it first. I know it’s awful and unimaginable, but you have to acknowledge it. You have to feel it. I don’t think you can do that here, thousands of miles, clear across the country from Caroline, and the reminders … the memories of Melanie.”
I sigh, resting my hand on her leg. “If I go. Where will that leave us?”
She leans down and kisses me, her lips so soft, her touch so achingly familiar. “Hopelessly in love and desperately missing each other.”
I grin. “I already miss you.” I roll her over and take her body like it’s mine to touch, mine to love, mine forever.
Chapter Twenty-Six
Miles Apart
Vivian
Three days ago I told Oliver to go to Portland. He talked it over with his family and they agree it’s what he needs to do. Two days ago he made the decision to go. Yesterday I broke down in Alex’s arms and told her I regretted telling him to go. Today he’s leaving.
“I want you to move in.”
I laugh as I towel dry my hair. “You’re leaving today. I don’t think it matters now.”
Oli zips his suitcase and holds out his hand. He leads me down the hallway, stopping in front of the door.
“Chance will come by next week and put on the new door.”
My brow furrows. “What are you talk—”
Oliver opens the door.
Yellow.
The walls are yellow with charcoal and white-striped curtains. There’s a desk against one wall, bookshelves on the opposite wall, and my bed in the middle with a new floral quilt and … pillows, lots of decor pillows.
“Oli…” I step in the room and turn in a slow circle “…when did you … I can’t believe …”
He pulls me into his arms and smiles down at me. “I don’t know how long I’ll be in Portland, but I do know that being so far away from you is going to feel like my heart is living outside of my body. The one thing that will get me through it is knowing that you’re here in our house waiting for me to come home.”
He brushes his lips over my falling tears. “Will you be here?”
Don’t go!