“In order to gain something you have to lose something.”
My mother’s words came back to me.
Mom, I don’t want to die. I’m afraid of dying. But it’s just like you used to say.
Stealing things from others in order to live is even more painful.
“Come now, sir, dry those eyes.”
I heard a voice and looked around. Cabbage was curled up on my lap looking at me. Suddenly he could speak again, and I was surprised. He still had that haughty tone of voice.
“It’s terribly simple. All you need to do is make cats disappear.”
“No, Cabbage, I can’t do that!”
“Why, if it were up to me, I’d have you live, sir. It shan’t be easy for me when you’re no longer with us.”
I never thought the day would come when I’d be moved to tears by the words of a cat. But I had a feeling he would have been able to communicate just as well with a meow and a purr. Just when I thought I’d calmed down, I began to tear up again.
“Oh, do please stop crying. My existence is a trifle compared to what you have already made disappear.”
“No, Cabbage, no. It doesn’t have to be that way.”
If cats disappeared from the world…
If Lettuce and Cabbage and Mom disappeared… I just couldn’t imagine it. I may not be the smartest guy, but I felt like I was beginning to understand. There’s a reason that things exist in this world. And there’s no reason good enough for making them disappear.
I’d made my decision. And I think that Cabbage above all understood my resolve. He was silent for a while, and then began to speak again.
“I understand, sir.”
“Thank you.”
“Now, just one more thing.”
“One more thing?”
“Close your eyes.”
“What for?”
“Never mind. Just close them.”
So I closed my eyes, and out of the darkness a figure appeared—it was my mother. Oh sweet memory… a memory of childhood.
When I was little I would get upset all the time, and wouldn’t calm down or stop crying. Then my mother would say softly, and gently, “Close your eyes.”
“Why?”
“Never mind. Just close them.”
So I closed my eyes, still crying. In the darkness my emotions became a black whirlpool swirling round and round.
“What do you feel?”
“Sad and upset, Mama.”
I slowly opened my eyes, and my mother went on as she gazed at me.
“All right, next make a happy face.”
“I can’t.”
“Go ahead. Even if you have to force it.”
My mind and body were at odds with each other. I couldn’t smile very well. I managed to twist my unwilling face into a smile, but I still felt bad. The tears didn’t stop.
The sound of my mother’s voice saying “take your time” soothed me, and I managed to force a smile.
“OK now, close your eyes again.”
Prompted by my mother, I slowly shut my eyes. When I tried closing my eyes while smiling, no matter how forced it was, I could feel my emotions being soothed. The black whirlpool disappeared and what looked like a rising sun began to appear in the darkness. Gradually this gentle, cream-colored light would spread all around. I could feel my heart finally begin to warm as the light grew stronger and I was wrapped up in a feeling of tenderness.
“How do you feel now?”
“I’m OK now.”
“Good. I’m glad.”
“Mama, how did you do that?”
“It’s a secret.”
“What do you mean?”
“It’s a little magic trick you can play on yourself. Whenever you feel sad and lonely, just smile and close your eyes. Do it as many times as you have to.”
So it was Cabbage who’d reminded me of my mother’s magic. Whenever I felt bad I would beg her to do it. There in the lobby of the movie theater, as I sat on the sofa, I slowly closed my eyes and forced myself to smile. The warmth crept back into my heart, and I felt calmed and soothed. It seemed I still had some of Mom’s magic left in me after all.
“Thank you, Mother.”
I’d never been able to say that to her. Those simple words. But I really did want to say it. And I finally had.
I opened my eyes, and Cabbage was still there, curled up purring on my lap.
“Thank you, Cabbage.”
I stroked his fur some more and he meowed as if he’d understood what I’d said. Then he meowed some more. He seemed to be trying very hard to tell me something. The strange human speech, those expressions that came out of some old TV show were no more. It seemed to me like this was his way of saying goodbye.
I remembered again what Mom used to always say about cats:
“We may think we own cats but that’s not the way it is. They simply allow us the pleasure of their company.” I’m glad I had a chance to talk to Cabbage before it all ended. Maybe this was Mom’s magic too. Goodbye, Cabbage. Thank you for the time you gave me.
I stayed there for a while longer, sitting on the sofa of the theater lobby in the fading light. I read back over the letter again as I stroked Cabbage. I read it again and again. But each time there was something at the end of the letter I got stuck on, like being pricked by a thorn. I felt a little stab of pain in my heart. There was still one thing I had left to do.
This is what it said at the end of the letter:
“Please make up with your father. I want you two to get along.”
SATURDAY: IF I DISAPPEARED FROM THE WORLD
I don’t know whether I’m happy or unhappy. But there’s one thing I do know. You can convince yourself to be happy or unhappy. It just depends on how you choose to see things.
When I woke up the next morning Cabbage was asleep next to me. I could feel his soft fur, and hear his little heart beating away. So cats hadn’t disappeared from the world. That meant that I was going to disappear from the world.
If I disappeared from the world… I tried to imagine what it would be like. I suppose it wouldn’t be the worst thing to have ever happened. Everyone dies eventually. The fatality rate is 100%. So when you think about it in that way, whether it’s a happy death or an unhappy death depends on how you’ve lived your life.
Again my mother’s words came back to me:
“In order to gain something you have to lose something.”
In exchange for my life, I made mobile phones, movies, and clocks disappear from the world, but I couldn’t bring myself to get rid of cats. I realize that it might seem stupid for me to give up my own life for cats. But that’s just the way it is. It’s who I am. There was a real possibility that I was some kind of idiot, but I really don’t get any satisfaction out of extending my life in exchange for other people losing something they hold very dear. For me, cats are no different from the sun and the ocean and the air we breathe. So I have decided to stop making things disappear from the world. I have decided to accept the life that has been given to me exactly as it is, even though it seemed like it would be on the rather short side. So that means that I’m going to die soon.
When Cabbage and I got home last night Aloha was waiting for us. He wore his usual loud outfit—Hawaiian shirt and shorts, with a pair of sporty sunglasses perched on his forehead. I was annoyed to see him, but on the other hand, a part of me found seeing the same old outfit almost reassuring. It’s kind of frightening how easily you get used to things.
“Hey, where the hell were you? I thought maybe you’d been spirited away or something. I was about to lodge a missing person’s report with the man upstairs.”