Aloha made himself comfortable.
“You’re familiar with the Book of Genesis?”
“You mean the Bible? Yes, I’m familiar with it, but I’ve never read it.”
“Oh, wow, OK… this would have gone a lot faster if you had.”
“Sorry…”
“Whatever… I’ll just give it to you in condensed form. First of all, God created the world in seven days.”
“Yeah, I’ve heard that bit.”
“On the first day the world was covered in darkness, then God said, ‘Let there be light!’ and then there was day and night. Then, on the second day, God created the heavens, and on the third day he created the earth. Now that’s what you call Creation! Then the oceans were made and plants took root.”
“Pretty impressive.”
“Right! And then, on the fourth day he created the sun and the moon and the stars in the sky—The. Universe. Is. Born! Then on the fifth day he created fish and birds, and on the sixth day he created animals, and made man in his own image, and finally that’s your cue!”
“Oh, I remember now—creation of the heavens and the earth, the cosmos, and then humankind arrives on stage. And on the seventh day? What happens?”
“On the seventh day he rested. Even God needs to take a break now and then.”
“And that’s Sunday, right?”
“Exactly. Now isn’t that incredible? He did it all in just seven days. God is just awesome! You know, I have so much respect for him.”
Somehow when it came to what all this should inspire, respect didn’t seem to cut it… but in any case, I decided to give him the benefit of the doubt.
“The first man’s name was Adam. Then God thought he might be lonely since he was the only human around, so he created a woman from Adam’s rib. But then the two of them were just hanging out there without much to do so I decided—to liven things up for them—to suggest to God that I get them to eat the apple.”
“The apple?”
“Right. See, the two of them were living in the Garden of Eden, which was a kind of paradise where they could do anything they wanted, eat anything they wanted. But that’s not all, there was no such thing as aging or death. There was just one thing they weren’t allowed to do—to eat from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil. That’s where the apple comes in… the forbidden fruit.”
“I see.”
“And so I suggested that they eat the apple, and they did!”
“No! Wow, you really are evil.”
“Now, now, hold your applause. So the two of them were driven out of paradise. That meant that humans would be fated to experience aging and death, and so began a long history of conflict and struggle.”
“Man, you really are the Devil.”
“I appreciate your admiration, but it wasn’t that much of a big deal. So somewhere along the way God sent his own son, Jesus Christ, down to earth, but not even that could convince human beings to take a cold hard look at themselves. Then to top it off, they go and kill this Jesus dude.”
“Oh, yeah, I’ve heard about that part.”
“Then after that, human beings just became more and more selfish. They started to make all sorts of newfangled things—you know, all those little doodads you’re not sure you really need, making more and more, going on and on…”
“I’m beginning to see.”
“So I made another suggestion, you know, to God. So I say to him, look, how about I go down to earth and help those humans decide what it is they really need and what they don’t need. And then, I made a promise to God. I said, whenever those humans decide to get rid of something, as a reward, I’ll extend their life for one day. I was given the power to do that. So after that, I did a lot of searching. You know, for people I could do business with. And so that’s where you find me—I’ve made deals with all kinds of people. As a matter of fact, you’re number 108.”
“Number 108?”
“That’s right! Not that many, eh? Only 108 people in the whole world. You’re pretty lucky, really. Simply by making one thing disappear from the world, you can extend your life by one day. Isn’t that great?!”
It had come out of nowhere, and was such a ridiculous offer. He sounded just like the shopping channel on cable TV, desperate to sell you something. How can you extend your life by making such a simple swap? But on the other hand, setting aside for a moment the question of whether I actually believed it or not, I wasn’t exactly in a position to refuse. Either way, I was going to die. I had no choice.
So, to recap: by making something disappear from the world, I could live for one more day. Let’s see now, that would be thirty items a month, 365 per year.
It would be that simple. The world is basically drowning in crap—all those small, silly, useless things like the parsley they put on an omelet, or the promotional packs of tissues they give out in front of the train station. Or how about those lengthy users’ manuals that come with your new fridge or washing machine. Or watermelon seeds. When you think about it, all kinds of unnecessary things spring to mind. When you weigh it up, there must be at least one or two million things the world could do without.
If I was supposed to live to seventy, that would mean I have forty more years left on the clock. So if I get rid of 14,600 items, I could make it to seventy after all. And if I kept going, I might even be able to reach a hundred, or even two hundred years old!
Just like Aloha said, for thousands of years, humankind has done nothing but make useless things. So if something were to disappear no one would notice. In fact, the world would be a simpler place. People will thank me for this!
And besides, just take a look at what I do for a living: a postman, a letter carrier. Pretty soon, postmen will be extinct. Because the day will come when letters and postcards disappear—they’ve been made redundant. When you think about it, there must be all kinds of things cluttering up the world which are borderline unnecessary. Maybe the entire human race is unnecessary. The world we live in has no meaning at all.
“OK. Fine. I agree to the exchange. Go ahead and make something disappear. I want to live longer.” I accepted the terms. And once I’d made the decision to give up some of the things in my life, I suddenly felt a lot bolder.
“Oh, wow, really? Great! Now you’re talking!”
Aloha seemed bowled over by my decision.
“Well, you’re the one who came up with… Oh, whatever. So what should I erase? Hmmm, let’s see… first of all, how about we get rid of these stains on the wall.”
Aloha just stared blankly at me and said nothing.
“OK, how about the dust on top of the bookshelves?”
Again, silence.
“I know, let’s get rid of that mold growing on the bathroom tiles!”
“C’mon now, what do you think I am, the maid? Let’s not forget that it’s the Devil you’re working with.”
“Oh, am I not thinking along the right lines?”
“What did you expect? I’m the one who gets to decide.”
“And how do you do that?”
“How? Well, now that you ask, I suppose it’s just a feeling, or depends on what mood I’m in.”
“Mood?”
“Uh huh. So, what’s it gonna be…”
Aloha surveyed the room. I followed his gaze, the whole time silently pleading: don’t touch that figurine, and not those limited-edition trainers…
But obviously, when you think about it, I was being given my life in return for anything he might take. This is exactly what they mean when they talk about making a pact with the Devil—it’s not supposed to be easy. So do I have to choose something really big to make disappear? The sun? Or the moon? The ocean, or the earth itself? Would that be enough for him? Just as I was finally realizing what a big deal this really was, Aloha’s stare settled on the tabletop.