James Kelman
If it is your life
Acknowledgements
‘Tricky times ahead pal’ previously published in Breathing Space/The Herald, 2010; ‘Ingrained’ previously published in Five Dials, 2009; ‘talking about my wife’ previously published in Headshook, 2009; ‘justice for one’ previously published in The Stinging Fly, Dublin 2009; ‘The Gate’ previously published in The Herald, 2008; ‘Man to Man’ previously published in In Pubs by Stuart Murray, Glasgow 2006; ‘The Later Transgression’ previously published in Flash, University of Chester 2008; ‘Vacuum’ previously published in Edinburgh Review, 2009: an earlier version of ‘Pieces of shit do not have the power to speak’ (entitled ‘In the dungeon’) previously published in Starting at Zero, Etruscan Books, South Devon 2006.
Tricky times ahead pal
When I presented myself at the Emergency section of the Social Security Office I knew things could go wrong but I was not expecting a leg amputated. But that was the situation. I would have expected an alternative but there was none. This was clear to anybody who knows anything about anything. Not just about the British welfare system, nor indeed state-run hospitals. Nor legs for that matter, at the risk of sounding facetious. This is what they gave me to understand.
Neither was it a situation facing me. They made that clear. It was a situation in itself. It would have faced anybody who was human. If you were not human then no, obviously. Most entities who walked were human but there are other possible worlds and I would never discount them, nor intelligences within.
Furthermore, it was my own negligence concerning the cause; secondly the effect; thirdly the relation between the two. This required not only a basic grasp of atomic theory but the results thereon of the faculty of common sense and that relation. But what does that mean, that last statement, its apparent meaninglessness.
At that time I did not grasp the significance of my bodily functioning and the changes then taking place. A logic was in operation. At least I grasped that, and my culpability. I was not one to fool myself. I simply had not realized what was happening. Had it been some other body I would have, especially that of an acquaintance. One’s perception alters when it is you yourself.
Before the amputation they once again advised me of its necessity. I had a sudden horror flash about those poor creatures who have a fetish about amputation; left to their own devices they would have every limb on their body chopped asunder. Let them be under no illusions! Only if it is absolutely essential, I said.
Beyond all shadow of a doubt, commented someone in regard to the medical findings.
I thought it in bad taste. The comment may have occurred while I was under anaesthetic. I accepted its truth eventually. It depressed the very air in my body. A mist descended behind my eyes, entering my mind, seeping its way into what remained of my brains. This was after the operation. I was removed to the Homeless Recovery Unit which was located in the very bowels of the earth. To the embarrassment of the staff responsible for administering the anaesthetics I clung onto my dreams. One concerned the possibility of one-legged midfielders playing in a World Cup. Would I ever play football again!
How embarrassing. Can we even describe such nonsense as thought? I had not played a game for ten years so who was I kidding.
But can a man not dream?
No, not in this manner. I was referred to Counselling. It then transpired that in the darker recesses of my inner being and prior to the amputation I assumed I might still play for my country. Certainly in international matches. This though I had never played professional football at any time, not having progressed beyond the lower divisions of the outermost community leagues. Our womenfolk paid money that we men might play. In those far-off days I was a family man and expected such money to be skimmed off the housekeeping.
Down in the Recovery Unit I lost and found consciousness, a veil ascending, a human shape by the foot of the bed was passing through and I called: Is it true that one-legged midfield players will not be selected for national honours?
Once I had recovered enough to crawl about, a couple of welfare orderlies assisted me upwards, and a belated return to the Emergency section. The Homeless Physiotherapy Unit lay three corridors distant. I spent a while here. Sad to relate, as will have become apparent, I had nowhere to hop, one’s long-term relationship having failed four years and three months previously. I could pinpoint the time to the day. There is nought surprising about that, rather the reverse, as clever rhetoricians would argue.
I do not know what legs might have to do with that. I do not care about legs, about my legs. Not then, not now. Never. I do not care.
Lump it.
I had given up alcohol prior to this low point in my life which, according to Form 12/7bd, was Week 3 Post-op. It seemed longer but that was normal, due partly to the medication. I was fit enough to deal with the paperwork. If not the Reception Clerk was there to help. The condition I was in helped matters but not sufficiently, I still had to deal with it. The Reception Clerk was pleasant and humane. At first I enjoyed her femininity. I have to say that. I want to be clear and honest. These are significant matters, empirical matters.
She helped me fill in the forms then faxed copies to Personnel for corroboration. At this juncture our relationship soured. I asked why everything must go through Personnel? I said: Surely if we are dealing with Social Security then Personnel does not enter the equation. Let us posit analogies; one thinks of the Social Security department of Great Britain as the political arm of a fascist state; does one therefore consider the Personnel section of said department as the Gestapo?
Contrary to what the Reception Clerk believed I was not taking this at or on a personal level. I did not feel in any way compromised. But I was angry and confess that I was. I had been divested of a damn leg, I said, in circumstances that are less than transparent.
Oh but that is how it is, she said. She smiled a smile that progressed beyond the merely polite. Affairs are more difficult for us.
I frowned, for this was a surprising gesture of solidarity. The woman gazed sideways. I thought Personnel had become a euphemism, I said.
Fortunately she pretended not to have heard and called over a young chap. She asked him to visit the local Oxfam shop on my behalf. I sat on a bench to wait. He soon returned with a pair of trousers. The woman produced scissors, snipped off one leg and passed me the needle and thread with which one might sew up the loose end.
The cost of the purchase was deducted from next week’s allowance. I borrowed the key to the toilet, leaving a £5 deposit for its safe return. I hopped along to try on the breeks. Inside a cubicle I held them up for inspection. Obviously the young chap had treated my future with impunity. These breeks must have been far too large, far too large, this leg was like — fuck sake man it was like a fucking pillow case. But better that than the other way, too small or something, tight and just
I pulled it on. Oh my Jesus Christ almighty it was the left leg the woman had snipped off. Oh man I was toppling, flapped my hands at the wall, steadied myself.
Why had she not allowed me to do it myself! Obviously it was the right leg that required the amputation. She had watched me approach her damn desk. So now I had to wear the trouser back to front.
The pain was excruciating; I was biting my lip, brow pressed against my wrist, propped against the wall, eyes closed. Its intensity subsided, passed. I reached round to close up the top of the garment which was now round at my arse but it was too difficult. There was a mirror but it was too high up the wall and of no assistance unless if I sat up on the washhand basin. If I did my rear-end would be hidden. I would be unable to reach round myself given I was thin. I used to be thickset. I still — could — not — reach — round. I could not. So aggravating, just damn bloody aggravating. I twisted and turned. I bit into my lower lip again and made further stabs at it. Try as I might I just could not fasten the garment.