— Yes, it was good to be able to offer your dad and Mrs Kravitz the money.
— Aye, n it wis even nicer ay thaime only tae take half!
— Maybe we should treat ourselves to a sleeping berth on that ferry, I squeeze his leg. — I think that we’re due a wee bit of decadence.
I watch his eyes extend, almost to the point that you feel they’re going to fall out of his head, like the robot in Futurama. — Aye, right enough, ya hoor ye. Adventures oan the high sea, goat tae be hud. Take turns tae play cabin boy n captain! Aye, oan yon Pompey tae Cherbourg ferry! He turns round to the dog. — Auld Ambrose here kin git intae the gender-bendin or species-bendin spirit ay things by playin the ship’s cat, eh, auld felly, he says, rubbing a panting, excited Ambrose’s scarred, slavering chops.
That crazy boy just cracks me up.
31.
SPANISH POSTSCRIPT
YA HOOR, KRAVY wisnae half right aboot Spain. Ah fuckin well love it. Eh wis also right aboot the bird fae Setubal’s prediliction fir threesomes n aw; first thing ah did wis insist tae Jenni thit wi looked her up. Unfortunately, she nivir shared the enthusiasm; so that yin wis snookered. Cannae moan but, life isnae sae bad.
Wi goat a joab in they stables. Jenni loves it and ah think ah might finally be gittin used tae hoarses. Nae bikes fir me, but, that’s a definite non-starter. Spanish doaktirs’ll amputate yir leg if yuv goat an itch oan it. Ah’ve kept Kravy’s skull. Fir a while ah wis stuck as what tae dae wi it. Ah tried tae bury it in wur wee patio gairden but Ambrose kept diggin it up. It now sits in the bathroom. See um every morning; whin ah dae a crap, take a shower, or brush the choppers. It’s only a piece ay auld bone, but ah sometimes think thit it smiles a bit mare broadly thin before. That’s probably jist me, but.
Ah still think ay masel as the King ay Fife, but ah’m a king in exile, voluntary exile, n ah’m in nae hurry tae git back. Ye kin caw it the Kingdom ay Fife if ye like; ah prefer tae cry it the Fiefdom ay King, ya hoor, sor!
AFTERWORD
When you write about places such as Cowdenbeath, and you come from a physically wee (but spiritually vast) country like Scotland, you have the responsibility to emphasise that this is not meant to depict the ‘real’ place, but rather the ‘Cowdenbeath’ of my imagination at the particular time of writing. Any resemblance to ‘real’ persons is coincidental and purely unintentional. Obviously, the same goes for Arizona, Fuertaventura, Nevada, Montana, Montrose, Mars or wherever these stories are set.
Big thanks to Beth for her unfailing help, advice and love. Thanks to Robin, Katherine, Sue and Laura at Random House for their continued indulgence of me. Mark Cousins and Don De Grazia were kind enough to read some of these stories and give valued feedback. My screenwriting partner Dean Cavanagh was very generous in providing me with the space to complete these stories, at a period when demands on our time were particularly high. I’m fortunate in that if I listed my friends, family and colleagues who have provided me with all sorts of support, it would add considerably to the length of this book. I hope you know who you are and that I wish good things on you.
About the Author
Irvine Welsh is the author of eight novels and four books of shorter fiction. His most recent novel Skagboys is the prequel to the bestselling Trainspotting. He currently lives in Chicago. www.irvinewelsh.net
ALSO BY IRVINE WELSH
Trainspotting
The Acid House
Marabou Stork Nightmares
Ecstasy
Filth
Glue
Porno
The Bedroom Secrets of the Master Chefs
Crime
Reheated Cabbage
Skagboys
You’ll Have Had Your Hole
Babylon Heights (with Dean Cavanagh)
The Acid House
Copyright
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Version 1.0
Epub ISBN 9781407018102
Published by Vintage 2008
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Copyright © Irvine Welsh 2007
Irvine Welsh has asserted his right under the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act 1988 to be identified as the author of this work
First published in Great Britain in 2007 by Jonathan Cape
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ISBN 9780099483595