SPLASH
‘There’s a good girl!’ Perilla stepped back. ‘Stay there, now. Marcus, don’t let her climb out. Marcus!’
Hell and bloody damnation! I hung on, spat a mouthful of perfumed water over my shoulder and said: ‘Lady, I could do with just a little more help here, if you know what I mean.’
‘Ow-ooo-ooo! Owowow-ooo-ooo!’
‘Ouch!’
‘Placida, be quiet! Don’t be silly, it’s only a bath, we’re not killing you.’
‘Ooo-ooo-ooo!’
Threshthreshthreshthreshthresh…
Jupiter bloody Best and Greatest! I’d never actually mud-wrestled a manic hippo before, but this must’ve come pretty near, and the banshee howling in the enclosed space wasn’t doing my eardrums any favours, either. I gritted my teeth and held on for dear life…
‘Get me the sponge!’
‘What?’
‘Ooo-ooo-ooo!’
‘The sponge!’
‘What? Marcus, I can’t hear what you’re — ’
‘Ooo-ooo-ooo! Owoo-ooo-ooo!’
‘For the gods’ sake, woman, get me the fucking sponge!’
She sniffed. ‘Very well, dear. There’s no need to swear. There, now. You hold her down and I’ll sponge her. Good dog, Placida, good dog! No need for all this fuss, is there?’
‘Ooo-ooo-ooo-ooo!’
‘Shit!’
‘Marcus!’
‘Yeah, well.’
‘Just hold her down and let me do the work. She is really being very good. Underneath it all, I mean.’
‘WHAT?’
‘Well, she hasn’t actually bitten you, has she?’
I clenched my teeth. There are times when words just aren’t adequate.
Eventually…
‘Now. That should do it. Just the rinse and we’re done. There’s a clever girl, Placida! One more bucketful. Mind your head, Marcus. I said, mind your — ’
‘Ouch!’
‘Well, I did warn you.’ She put the empty bucket down. ‘Good. You can let her go now, dear. Placida, careful!’
Placida emerged from the bath, not quite like Aphrodite from the foam off Paphos.
Shakeshakeshake. Splattersplattersplatter.
‘Oh, bugger!’ Still, I was soaked anyway. Another few gallons of tripe-and-perfume-
flavoured water wouldn’t make all that much difference.
‘Well,’ Perilla said as we dried ourselves. ‘I think on the whole that was quite successful, don’t you?’
‘Ah, there you are, sir. Dinner is almost ready. Did you enjoy your bath?’
‘Fuck off, Bathyllus.’
12
Dinner, when it finally came, was worth waiting for. Meton may’ve been sulking, but the guy is a professional to his gorilla-sized fingertips, and the long-cooked pork in cumin and aniseed was a dream.
No dog, either. I insisted on that, and for once Perilla didn’t object; maybe our bath-time romp had soured her, too, just a little. Where the brute was exactly at that precise moment in time and what she was doing I didn’t know, and cared less. The screams weren’t reaching us here in the dining-room, anyway, and that was the main thing.
Bliss.
‘So.’ Perilla dipped a crust of poppy-seed roll into her sauce. ‘Did you find why the boy killed himself?’
‘I don’t know,’ I said.
‘How do you mean, you don’t know?’
I reached for the pureed lentils that had come with the pork and helped myself to more. ‘According to Laelius Balbus, he was on the take and knew he’d been caught out.’
She put the crust down. ‘Oh, Marcus!’
‘Yeah, well. He wouldn’t be the first to go that road. Kid in need of money finds himself in a job where there’re plenty of rich punters who want to get richer. They suggest that if he turns a blind eye to certain inflated figures on their claims sheets a few gold pieces might find their way into his purse. Where’s the harm? The only party to lose out is the state, and the state can afford it. So long as he’s careful and no one gets too greedy it wouldn’t be noticed.’
‘And you think Papinius wasn’t careful.’
‘No. Or that’s the theory to go with the scenario, anyway. In the event, he was doubly unlucky. First, his boss wasn’t the type who just signs things unread; which wouldn’t necessarily have been fatal, mind, because Balbus is a nice guy, he knew what the result would be if he blew the whistle, and he didn’t want things to go that far unless they had to. Second, though, and prior to this, he had a pal — a so-called pal — by the name of Mucius Soranus. And he is another thing altogether.’
‘Soranus found out somehow that the boy was taking bribes and decided to blackmail him.’
‘Yeah. Again, that’s the theory. Soranus is no Balbus. He’s greedy and he’s ruthless. One word in the wrong ear — like to Domitius Ahenobarbus, say, or one of the other commission bosses — and Papinius would be finished. Career over, next stop exile. So in exchange for not telling Soranus wants serious gravy: fifty thousand silver pieces. The only way Papinius can get that kind of money is to go to a loans shark, which he does and pays Soranus off. Only a month down the line he finds out from Balbus that he’s been sussed in any case.’
‘And so he kills himself. Marcus, that’s dreadful! The poor boy.’
‘Right. Problem is’ — I hesitated — ‘as a scenario, it stinks.’
Perilla had been helping herself to the stew. She put down her spoon.
‘I beg your pardon?’
‘It doesn’t work. No way does it work. Or if it does I’m a blue-rinsed monkey.’
‘But surely — ?’
‘Papinius was no crook, I’d bet my last copper on that. And if he was honest then there was no kickbacks scam and the whole scenario collapses. A priori, a fortiori, QED.’
She was staring at me. ‘Marcus, be reasonable! You can’t just dismiss the bribery aspect out of hand, because from what you say it’s central to all the facts. Without it Soranus had no grounds for blackmailing the boy, and if he wasn’t then why the money-lender? Not to mention that your Laelius Balbus confirmed it. Or do you think he’s lying? And if so then why on earth should he be?’
I sighed. ‘Look, I’ve been through all this myself, right? Sure, it all adds up, right down the line, no arguments. For everything to make sense Papinius had to be bent. Only, believe me, he wasn’t, and if he wasn’t on the fiddle then why should he kill himself?’
‘Very well. What proof do you have that he wasn’t crooked? Real proof, I mean.’
‘He’s just not the type.’
‘Oh, Marcus! Very objective! I’m afraid that’s not an answer, dear.’
‘Okay.’ I leaned back and pushed my plate away. ‘He’s got glowing character references all round. Titus Natalis, his mother, bribery accusation apart even Balbus. Young Marcus Atratinus practically threw me down the aediles’ office steps for suggesting he might be dishonest, his ex-girlfriend went all dewy-eyed when she talked about him and even that shit Soranus called him a nice kid.’
‘You don’t think they might all be rather biased as character witnesses? Soranus aside? After all — ’
‘Jupiter, Perilla! We’re talking unanimous here, and that doesn’t happen often, not to that degree, certainly. If it was all a front then as a con artist the guy must’ve been bloody brilliant. Besides, there’re other things that don’t fit either.’
‘Namely?’
‘How and where he died. By rights the kid should’ve slit his wrists in comfort at home. Diving from an Aventine tenement just doesn’t make sense. And you can add the fact that he’d just paid the loan off, as well.’
She sat up. ‘He had what?’
‘Yeah. Right, that’s what I thought. Vestorius told me himself, the loans shark. Principal and interest, sixty thousand sesterces. Where the hell did the money come from?’
‘The bribes. Naturally.’ A fighter, Perilla.
‘Sixty thousand sesterces? That’s some whack, lady. And if he was raking it in to that extent he wouldn’t’ve needed a loan in the first place, would he?’
‘Hmm. You’re right, it is rather strange.’ She went quiet for a moment. ‘Then…Marcus…’