"Death came at last for Don Quixote, after he had received all the sacraments and once more had disavowed his books of chivalry…Don Quixote was born for me alone and I for him; it was for him to act, for me to write, and we two are one…Vale."
Finishing it was strangely sad, sadder than finishing sex, which could be very sad indeed. The little death, as the French called it. No, what was really sad is what had driven her to finish it, how she had almost allowed herself to do something truly wretched because she was feeling sorry for herself. She was alone, more alone now that the book was finished. She had done something she had long meant to do, which should have filled her up, but instead it emptied her out. What would she put on next year's list, when she outlined her goals in a black and white composition book, her fall ritual for almost twenty-five years now? Perhaps: "Stop trying to sleep with other people's boyfriends."
It was three A.M., four A.M. in Baltimore, but she had to talk to someone. Kitty would understand. She would understand the book and all the varying types of sadness weighing Tess down.
She came on the line within two rings, her voice fresh and alive, as if she hadn't been sleeping at all.
"Tesser! Are you okay?"
"Physically. Spiritually, I think I racked up a few demerits tonight." The story spilled out, and Kitty listened, as was her great gift, saying nothing until Tess finished.
"You have to apologize," she said, her tone gentle but firm. "She doesn't have to forgive you, but you have to apologize."
Tess had hoped for something a little closer to absolution. "If you think about it, I didn't really do anything-"
"You would have. I love you, sweetie, but you've always had a covetous streak. Sometimes, I think you'd rather borrow someone else's boyfriend than have one of your own."
"Well, sure, there was Jonathan, but I'm not like that anymore."
"Apparently you are, and you're using the same rationalizations. You were feeling sorry for yourself. Just like when you got mixed up with Jonathan. Remember, you two had broken up, it was only after you lost your job and he got engaged that you started sleeping with him again. Have you ever stopped to think what would have happened if he hadn't died? He'd be married to someone else by now. He wasn't yours, honey. He still isn't."
Tess came close to making an angry reply. Unfortunately, Kitty had the advantage of being right.
"You're right, I have to apologize," she agreed. "I'll start with you, in fact. I'm sorry I called in the middle of the night. It was self-centered and thoughtless. But I felt so alone, and I needed to talk."
"Oh, I wasn't asleep, Tesser. I was having a little snack."
Tess smiled, happy to know things were back to normal in some quarter of the world. Kitty's predawn snacks were never eaten alone. "So I guess the UPS man kept wearing his shorts."
"Well, no-" Kitty sounded uncharacteristically flustered.
"Is it someone else? Is he right there? Or are you in the bedroom, waiting for him to bring you cold cuts on that white wicker tray?"
"No, I'm downstairs. What would you think if I moved my bedroom downstairs, into the big storeroom behind the kitchen, and moved the office upstairs?"
"Why would you do that? You'll be running up and down all day."
"Kitty!" It was a loud voice, a familiar voice, a voice that always made Tess feel as if she should drop and give someone twenty. But now there was a softness to the voice, a warmth that Tess had never heard before. "Do you want capers on your bagel, or just the smoked salmon?"
"Just the smoked salmon."
"That's Tyner! You're sleeping with Tyner!"
"We've spent a lot of time together in the past two weeks," Kitty said. "He started coming over at first because you hadn't called him. Things progressed from there."
"But-Tyner!" Esskay sat up in bed, instantly alert at the sound of any word beginning with a T, which meant "treat" in her limited vocabulary.
"He's very nice," Kitty said.
"Tyner!" Tess repeated. One of the hookers banged on the wall and told her to be quiet.
"We'll talk when you get home, sweetie." A muffled exchange. "Tyner wants to know when that is, by the way."
"I'd say sometime before hell freezes over, but it apparently just did. You're sleeping with Tyner! He's old! He's cranky! He's Tyner, for God's sake!"
"We'll talk when you get home," Kitty repeated. "I love you."
"Tyner!" Tess screamed to the empty line, and the hooker banged again, and Esskay wagged her tail harder, trying to wait patiently for this treat Tess kept screaming about.
Chapter 26
Seven hours later, Tess pushed open the door of Y Algunas Mas and found Kris with her arms full of marigolds.
"From Rick?" she asked, and received a baleful look in return.
"I'm making an ofrenda. Tomorrow is Dia de los Muertos. Day of the Dead." A small silence, and then Kris lifted her chin. "Rick brought me yellow roses. Three dozen."
"I should be the one sending you flowers. Rick didn't do anything last night."
Kris turned her back on Tess, arranging the bright orange blossoms on what appeared to be an altar, although it was unlike any altar Tess had seen in her rare visits to church. In addition to the marigolds and votive candles, it had a round of bread with a cross slashed into it, a bottle of Diet Rite, a six-pack of Schlitz, an Art Deco cigarette lighter, a pack of Merits, candy skulls, and a photograph of a striking woman, circa 1950-something, judging by the hair and the sweater.
"He said he was trying to comfort you."
"He was." Tess paused. "Where that might have gone remains to be seen. It was up to me, and I'm not sure what I might have done."
"Up to you," Kris said, her back still to Tess, but the catch in her voice, the way she jerked her shoulder blades, hinted at the angry tears she was trying to hold back. "Who do you think you are, some sort of femme fatale who crooks her little finger and the men all come running? No offense, but Rick says he doesn't have the slightest interest in you, he wouldn't have fooled around with you just because he was mad at me."
"No, he wouldn't." Tess suspected this was a lie, but lies were greatly underrated when it came to making people feel better. "Look, I'm not one of those women who thinks women are inherently better than men. Obviously, I'm not inherently better. I felt crummy last night, and I would have reached for anything offering a little temporary oblivion. A drink, a joint, someone else's boyfriend. You have the solace of knowing nothing happened. But I'll never know what I might have done if you hadn't shown up."
She was still looking at Kristina's back, at the white blond hair, worn today in two plaits, exposing her milk-white neck and a narrow part as pink as a little girl's.
"Besides, what if I had? What if I had come to my senses, gone home and crawled into bed with Don Quixote? The book, I mean. I still thought about it. I lusted in my heart. Not for your boyfriend, not for Rick-although he's a great guy," she added hastily, as Kristina turned, green eyes narrowed at the inferred insult. "I just wanted to blot out my thoughts for an hour or two."