“What’s that?” says the king, jumping up in his bed; and seeing the head at the window he fired, and Jack, with that, let the corp fall.
“Ha, ha,” says the king, “I was too able for ye, Jack, my boy; ye’re done for at length, and it’s yer desarvin’. Now, queen,” says he to her ladyship, “I’ll have to run out and bury this corp.”
Jack waited till he saw the king safe away with the corp, and then he climbed in of the window.
“You weren’t long away, king,” says her ladyship from the bed.
“Oh,” says Jack, purtendin’ the king’s voice, “I kem back for the sheet to wrap up the corp in an’ carry him to the graveyard.”
And sure enough, she hands it to him to wrap round the corp, and me brave Jack steps out of the window and away with him.
It wasn’t long afther till the king come in with his teeth chattherin’, and steps into bed.
“Where’s the sheet?” he cried, jumpin’ up as soon as he missed it.
“Why, ye amadan,” says the queen, “didn’t ye come back and say you wanted it to wrap up the corp and carry it to the graveyard.”
“Oh, Jack—Jack,” says the king, lying back in his bed again, “you have thricked me wanst more! But, plaise Providence, that will be the last time.”
Next day Jack come to the castle with the sheet rowled up an’ ondher his arm, and presented it to the king.
“Well, Jack,” says the king, smilin’, “ye done me again, but the third time, ye mind, is the charm. To-morrow night I’ll sleep with all my clothes, as well as my shoot of mail, on me, and you’re to steal this inside shirt (showing it to him) that has my name written on the inside of the breast of it, ye persave, off my back, and leave another shirt on me in its place, and I’ll have a loaded gun in every hand all night, and there’ll be a senthry at every window in my house, and two at every door, and my bedroom will be filled with sodgers; and if ye don’t succeed, ye know what’ll happen ye. Eh, what do you think of that, Jack?”
“Why,” says Jack, says he, “sure I’ll do my best, and the best, ye know, can do no more.”
Now Jack’s father was jumpin’ out of his skin with delight when he found that Jack stole the sheet, but when Jack come home this night, an’ tould his father that he had to steal the inside shirt, with the king’s name on the inside of the breast, off the king’s back, and leave another in its place unknownst to him, while he slept with all his clothes as well as a shoot of mail on him, and a loaded gun in every hand, and with a senthry at every window, and two at every door, and the room full of sodgers, faix Jack’s father’s heart gave way again entirely, and he said that Jack was as good as lost to him now, anyhow.
Jack said nothing but went to bed and slept sounder now than ever he did, and getting up betimes in the mornin’ he went to a tailyer and got him to make a shirt of the same description, and of the very same cloth as the king’s inside shirt; and he got the tailyer to prent something in the inside of the breast of it—but what it was we’ll not say now. In the middle of the night he rowled up the shirt, and buttoning it up inside his coat, he stharted for the castle. When the senthries seen him comin’, they ups with their guns to shoot him, when he shouted out not to mind, for that he was comin’ to give himself up, seein’ that it was no use in him endayvourin’ to do what was onpossible to be done. So, they got round him, and takin’ him into the castle, they fetched him to the king’s bedroom, where they wakened the king, and told him that Jack had give in at last and couldn’t do it.
“Why, Jack,” said the king, laughin’ hearty, “I knew I would be one too many for ye. Ordher up the hangman at once till we get through with this business.”
“Oh, aisy, aisy, if ye plase,” said Jack, “sure this was nothin’ but a joke of me. I have the shirt already stolen off yer back, and another in its place.”
The king swore this was onpossible, and the sojers till a man swore the same, but the king, knowin’ Jack was so able, thought it betther not to shout till he was out of the wood; so he pulled off him till he reached the shirt.
“There it is yet, Jack, ye see,” says he.
“Is that it?” says Jack. “Is yer name in it?”
“To be sure it is,” says the king, readin’ it.
“Show me,” says Jack; and turnin’ round to the light to read the name, purtindin’, he slips it undher his coat in the winkin’ of a midge’s eye, and whips out the other shirt. “Ay, sure enough,” says Jack, handin’ back his own, “that’s it all right. So I suppose ye may as well get up the hangman and let us finish off the business at wanst.
“Sartinly, Jack,” says the king, gettin’ himself into the shirt and clothes again, “sartinly; delays is dangerous.”
But, lo and behould you! when the hangman was got and everything was prepared, the king asked Jack if he had anything to say before h’ed die.
“Why, yes, yer highness,” says Jack, “I have a thriflin’ wee word to say.”
“An’ what is it?” says the king. “Out with it, man, and don’t be backward about it.”
“Why,” says Jack, pullin’ out the king’s shirt from undher his coat, “it’s only this—there’s yer shirt stolen off yer back, although ye slept in yer clothes and a shoot of mail, and with a senthry at ivery window, and two at ivery door, and yer bedroom filled with sojers, and I have left another shirt on yer back.”
The king looked at the shirt and read his name on it, and, turnin’ nine colours at wanst, he peeled off him again, and takin’ off his inside shirt he read on the inside of the breast of it:—
“Sould again, ould brick!
This is my third thrick—
The shirt taken off yer back
By MASTHER-THIEF JACK.“
The king was thundher-struck, and no wondher! He ups and he says at wanst, just as soon as he got his senses gathered:—
“Jack,” says he, “you must lave my dominions, for I’m not sure but ye might stale the very teeth out of my head, if ye only took the notion. I’m sorry, indeed, Jack, but go ye must. At the same time I’ll threat ye daicent—ye’ll have as much gold with ye as yer pockets can hould.”
“Thank ye for nothin’,” says Jack back to him, “for I could have that if yer highness was to put it undher all the locks in the kingdom. But I have one requist to ask ye afore I go.”
“Name it, Jack,” says the king.
“Will ye see that me ould father nivir wants for anything while he lives?”
“Troth, I will that, Jack, for I’ll take him up to the castle to live along with myself; he’ll get aitin’ and dhrinkin’ of the best; he’ll not be asked to do a hand’s turn of work, and he’ll be as happy as the day is long.”
Jack thanked the king hearty, and set out on his thravels. He went back to the country he was ’prenticed in, and as his ould masther had just died, Jack was appointed Masther-man-thief of that whole counthry, and lived happy and well ivir afther.
Manis the Besom Man
ONCE on a time when pigs was swine, long, long ago, there was a man named Manis who supported himself and his ould disabled mother by making besoms out of the long heather on the lonely moor where they lived. One day, when Manis was driving a very sorry old institution of a horse—that you could count every bone in his body through his skin—to the town, with a load of besoms for sale, he begun to ruminate to himself on the bad trade this same besom-making was becoming, entirely, that he could hardly keep body and sowl sticking together himself, let alone support his mother and an old horse, that would soon die on his hands anyway; and then he’d be in a fix, for he couldn’t scrape as much money together as would buy a new straddle, let alone a new horse. And, as for selling this one, it’s what he’d have to pay a man to take him off his hands, let alone get money for him. But it’s a bad disaise that can’t be cured somehow, Manis said to himself—so he began to consider how he could sell his rickle of a pony to advantage. Manis had about as clever a head as ever was set on ignorant shoulders—and right well he knew this—and he was not long finding a way out of the pickle. When he went to the town and disposed of his besoms, and got the money for them, he put the money into shilling pieces, half-crown pieces, and one half-sovereign, and inquiring for the grandest hotel, he put his horse into the stable, and stuck the gold half-sovereign and all the other pieces into the holes in its hide—for the poor baste’s skin had holes enough to hide away a fortune in, goodness knows!—slipping them just what you’d know in under the skill, and then he went into the hotel, and ordered the best of everything, eating and drinking for himself, and as for the horse, he told them not to spare the corn and bran mashes on him, for he was going to put him into training for a great race. Manis got all he called for, and the horse, too, got everything of the best, and that all fared well till it came to the paying of the bill, which reached a big figure entirely. When the bill was put before him, Manis said he would call again and pay it; that he had no ready cash about him now, and all that; but the waiters raised the divil of a ruction, and sent for the owner of the hotel himself, who happened to be Mayor over the town; and they pointed out Manis to him, and told him the whole story, and the Mayor said that if Manis didn’t take and pay the money on that instant moment, he would send for the soldiers and have him hung by coort-martial at once.
“Well, well,” sez Manis, sez he, “but this is a nice how-do-ye-do, that a gintleman can’t be trusted for a few shillings, only this way. Sweet good luck to you and your house,” sez he to the Mayor. “I never yet in all my travels met with such ondaicent people. Though I have a shabby coat on me atself,” sez Manis, “don’t judge me by that, for that’s my notion, and it’s the way I choose to go. And look ye here now, Misther Mayor,” sez he, “I could not only pay for my own dinner, but I could invite every mother’s sowl in this town—good, bad, and ondifferent, big, wee, and middling—here, and give them their dinners and pay for them, and buy you out of house and home then, and make a present of the whole consarn to your waiter there the next minute, and live as ondependent as a prence still after,” sez Manis. “But if you must be paid for your hungry bit of a dinner that wouldn’t break a man’s fast on a Good Friday, ye must. I left my purse behind me at home, and I didn’t just want to abuse my poor baste now, seeing he’s afther a long journey; but to stop your throat I’ll do anything, so here goes.” And with that Manis plants his hat on his head and away out to the stables, with the Mayor and all the waiters after him to see what he was up to at all, at all.