Carson moves from the recliner toward the sofa. I scoot back on the couch, needing the distance between us. I’m not prepared for this conversation. Not now. He can’t mess up what I have because he’s suddenly jealous.
“Kinsley,” he begins.
But I stop him before he can get a word out. “Don’t, Carson. Please. We have to live together. Don’t make it awkward.”
“I’m not trying to make you uncomfortable, but I can’t sit here and pretend I don’t have feelings for you. I do—constantly. You’re all I can think about most nights. Do you know how hard it is to go to sleep when you’re only a room away?”
“Yes,” I whisper. Our headboards are back-to-back with only a thin piece of drywall separating the two of us. Sometimes, I can hear him talking on his phone, or signing along to music while I’m trying to fall asleep. He’s been a distraction since the day he moved in.
“We grew up together, Kinsley. Maybe we don’t know everything about each other yet, but you know me. You know we’d be good together.”
I don’t know what we would be. I don’t. There’s no way to tell who I’d be a better match with. I have no experience when it comes to dating. All I have is what’s in my heart. And right now, my heart is telling me I need Rhett. Still, there’s one thing I need to know before this conversation goes any farther. “Am I the reason you agreed to move in here when Wyatt had to leave?”
“Shit, Kins.”
“Just tell me. I need to know.”
“Will it change your mind about me?”
“You haven’t told me yet.”
Carson reaches for my hand, and I let him have it. He pulls the bright yellow twisty tie, that was once wrapped around a loaf of bread, from his pocket. “Do you remember this?”
I try to cover my face with both hands, but he doesn’t let me. “Look at me, Kinsley.”
When I do, he slides the tie on my ring finger. The same way I did to him when I was nine-years-old—a lovesick little puppy with eyes for Carson.
“Do you remember what you said to me when you gave me this?”
I smile, still embarrassed. “Most of it.” There’s no way I’d ever forget that day. I was positive giving him a meaningless piece of wire meant something. It had to.
“Well, I remember every word you said. It was the summer before I was starting middle school. You were nervous because you were still stuck in the elementary school with the little kids. But even at nine, you were already more mature than I was at eleven.”
“I thought I had it all figured out,” I whisper.
“Maybe you did, Kins. You slid this ring on my finger, the same way I’m doing now, and told me not to forget you. That even though we’d start riding different buses, and go to different schools, that we wouldn’t always be in two different places. That someday, we’d be in the same place—together.”
“I remember.”
He pulls me closer, until I’m sitting next to him. With both of my hands in his, and the twisty tie wrapped around my finger, he says, “Here I am, Kinsley. I’m here.”
I bite the inside of my lip, praying I can get through this without crying. Becca knows better than anyone how much I crushed on him. He was always the slightly older boy who came and went with Wyatt. The one who treated me like a little sister until we were both old enough to understand what it was we were capable of feeling. I figured it out a lot sooner than Carson did. Only I gave it up when Rhett came along. I had to.
It kills me to tell him no. He’s Carson—but he’s not my Carson anymore.
He figures out my answer before I even get around to telling him. And it hurts even more than I thought it would. “I missed my shot, didn’t I?”
I nod my head, still unable to tell him, no. It’s slowly become my least favorite word in the dictionary.
He runs his hands through his hair, completely defeated. He’s a good guy—one that deserves a girl who will fall for him the way I’ve fallen for Rhett. “I knew you liked me and I missed it.”
“I’m sorry, Carson.”
“I saw it in your eyes every time I was with Wyatt. I saw the way you looked at me, Kinsley. And I loved it.”
He loved it? But he never once gave me a clue he did. “Why are you telling me now? What took you so long?” I gave him that silly ring eight years ago. Only it wasn’t silly to me then, and it’s still not silly to me now.
“I waited because I didn’t think you were ready. I always thought once you were finished high school we’d find our way back to each other. I swore I’d let you have a normal high school experience without worrying about me, but so much changed once your mom died, and then your dad left. I had this insane desire to protect you, and that’s why I’m here, Kins. To keep you safe. But you went and found a replacement, and once I knew about it, I realized waiting wasn’t the right thing to do—I never imagined I’d lose my opportunity entirely.”
“I’m sorry,” I whisper again, over and over. “I didn’t know what you wanted.”
“And now that you know, it still doesn’t change anything, does it?”
I shake my head. “I can’t give up on Rhett. I care about you, Carson, I always have. But when I decided to try this with Rhett, I gave him my heart.”
“I was with you when your mom passed, Kinsley. I was with you during the most awful times of your life—every single time you needed someone. I wiped the tears off your face, Kin. Doesn’t that count for something?”
“Of course it does. I needed you. You were there for me when my sister was depressed and Wyatt shut us out completley.”
“Then what’s wrong? Why are you choosing him?”
Carson’s right, he was here during most of the bad times, all of the good ones, too. Still, he’s not the one I promised my heart to. Had he told me this a couple weeks ago, there’s no doubt in my mind I would have melted into his arms and never looked back. It would have been a no-brainer.
I trust Carson with my heart.
I care about him with every ounce of my soul.
But I can’t pick him.
It’s like losing someone I love all over again from the simple fact that I’m hurting him. “I’m sorry. I can’t.” I stand up in a rush, desperate to get away from him before I break down completely.
I don’t get far. He reaches out for me, his hands settling on my hips like they belong there. “Carson, please,” I beg.
“Kinsley Grace,” he whispers, his own throat clogged with emotion. “Don’t walk away.”
“I have to, Carson.”
I see the moment he accepts my decision. The moment the warmth disappears from his yes. He puts his mask back on, pretending like none of this ever happened. He drops his hands from my body, and allows me to pass by him.