“If you’re trying to remind me how insignificant I used to be, I get it. I was a nobody, but I don’t want to go back to that place—where I was always unwanted. Today was one of the best days of my life. I’m finally happy again.”
He glares at me, before a look of complete defeat replaces the anger. “The best day of your life was the day you told me you didn’t want to be with me? Thanks, Kins.” He turns around, walking away from me, but that wasn’t what I meant. He has to know that.
“Carson, wait.” I grab onto his wrist, but he yanks it out of my grasp. “Carson, please.”
“Go to bed, Kinsley. It’s been a long night. I’m tired.”
He closes the door to his room, shutting me out. That should be enough for me to walk away, to be thankful it wasn’t worse, but it only makes me feel terrible. He took what I said out of context. Our conversation earlier has been in the back of my mind the entire night. I’ll never be able to forget the way he poured his heart out to me. Whether he believes me or not, it meant something to me—even if I’m not his girl.
I wait a couple more minutes, hoping he’ll open his door so I can talk to him, but he doesn’t. Still, I can’t walk away. If I do, he’ll think I don’t have any regard for his feelings. So, I sit down with my back against his door, and I wait.
The minutes are long, and I almost give up a couple times, but Carson’s never been one to give up on me, so I’m not letting him go to bed thinking I don’t care or that I’ve somehow changed. Even if there was some truth to his words, I’d still wait.
A full hour passes, and then it finally happens. The door I’m propped up against moves away from me so fast, I’m flat on my back in the middle of the doorway, looking up with Carson staring down at me.
“What are you doing, Kins?”
“Waiting for you to stop being stubborn.”
“How long were you planning on sitting in front of my door?”
“Until you opened it.” I would have sat here until tomorrow afternoon if I had to, and he knows it.
He runs his hand over his face, his eyes now much softer than they were when he stormed in his room an hour ago. “Stand up.”
“I’m not going anywhere until you talk to me.”
“I’ll talk to you, but I don’t want you on the floor.” I’d rather talk in the living room, but I stand up and follow him inside his room. There’s no time for me to negotiate if I don’t want to lose my opportunity to set the record straight. “Why were you really sitting there?” he asks as he sits down on his bed.
I play with the hair tie around my wrist, flicking it against my skin. “I can’t sleep if you’re mad at me.”
“I’m not mad, Kinsley. I’m concerned. There’s a difference.”
“I didn’t mean what I said. It came out wrong.”
“Does it change anything?”
I shake my head. “No. I still feel the same way, but I needed you to know I wasn’t trying to rub Rhett in your face or make you feel insignificant.”
“Okay, I understand. Can we go to bed now?”
“No.”
“Why not?”
“Because we’re still not right.”
“Do you honestly think we can be? After what I told you today?”
“I don’t know, but I need us to be.”
“Why? You had the best day of your life, Kins. You don’t need me.”
I move closer to him, standing almost directly in front of him. “No, Carson. I do need you in my life. It would be weird without you—like I’m missing a really good friend.”
“Friend. There’s that word again.”
I pull my arms out of Rhett’s jersey, suddenly feeling like I’m shoving the fact that I’m with Rhett down his throat. I ball it up and toss it into the wash basket in the hallway. Carson watches me, and I don’t miss the way his expression changes as I start to shed some clothes. “What are you doing?” he questions.
“Removing him from the equation for a minute.” I’m not trying to lead Carson on or give him any false hope. All I want to do is be able to lay my head on my pillow tonight without a guilty conscious. And if I’m being honest, I need Carson to be okay, too. This is as much for me as it is for him. “Will you answer a question for me, honestly?”
“I’ll try,” he says.
“Am I going to lose you completely if I’m not with you?”
He reaches out and hooks his finger in the front pocket of my jeans, pulling me closer to him. “Part of me wants to say yes, that if you aren’t with me, then we have nothing. I can’t do that though. There’s no way I’d ever be able to cut you out of my life, Kins. I don’t want to.”
“Then, how do we get back to where we were before things got weird?”
“Weird? I don’t know if that’s the word I’d use to describe it. Maybe real, but not weird.”
“Okay, but it doesn’t much matter how we label it. Either way, it’s different. How do we fix it?”
“I don’t know if we can.”
“What do we do?”
Carson looks at me, and with pained eyes, he says, “I get over you.”
I thought that’s what I wanted all along—until he says the words. Hearing him say it out loud only challenges me. It makes me second guess every decision I’ve made up until now. I’m not ready to let go of Rhett, but I don’t want to hurt Carson either.
“Tell me what you’re thinking, Kins.”
I shrug my shoulders like I’m not sure, even though it’s becoming clearer. “I don’t know what’s going to happen with me and Rhett, and I can’t ask you to wait around until I find out. That’s not fair to you. I don’t know what to do. How can I make this better?”
“You don’t have to do a single thing for me. Just be happy. That’s all I want for you, Kin. But I don’t want you to end up with a broken heart either.”
“Because you think Rhett couldn’t possibly stay with a girl like me, right? That it’s bound to blow up in my face because it’s probably too good to be true.”
He tips his head back, huffing out a frustrated breath. “I didn’t say that at all. You’re putting words in my mouth. I told you I’m happy for you.”
“You’re right. You didn’t say that.” I’m the one who’s thinking it, and now that I’m being honest with myself, I realize it’s what I’m fearful of happening with Rhett and me. That someday I won’t be good enough anymore or he’ll get bored or suddenly realize he has better options.
“You’re scared, I get it.”
“Maybe a little, but I want you to be happy too, Carson.”
He rubs the back of his neck, like he’s in pain. Slowly, he raises his eyes from the floor. “I can’t be happy, Kins. Not until you’re mine.”
I swallow the lump in my throat, hating the sadness in his eyes. “Don’t say that. That’s not true. You can be happy without me.”
“I’ll wait for you, Kins—just like I stayed up waiting for you tonight.”
“I should have called you back when I got your messages. I’m sorry.”
“I was so worried something happened to you.”
“I’m okay, and if I wasn’t, I’d let you know.”
Visibly sighing, his shoulders sag in a mixture of relief and defeat. Still, we’re right back where we started. Nothing’s really changed despite our conversation, and I wonder how many more of these we’re going to end up having.
“I’m not used to this, Kinsley—especially with a person I have to live with.”
“Me either, but we can make it work, okay? Promise me you won’t move out because of me. Kate needs you, too.”
He looks me straight in the eye as he promises, “I won’t leave you.”
Maybe I need it more than he does, but I move closer, letting him wrap me up in the security he’s given me for as long as I can remember. The two people in my life I’ve loved the most left me, but Carson’s never strayed. He moved here to help me—to be with me. And that means more than he’ll ever know. Even if we can’t be together.
I don’t want to blur the lines between us, but I can’t stop either. He’s been my friend longer than he’s been an admirer—and I can’t let that go. I can’t let him go. Tonight I just want my Carson back—the one who let me cry on his shoulder when my mom passed away. The one who took me to funny movies when I hated the world, and the one who let me drink a lot of vodka after my dad left, even holding my hair while I threw up violently in the toilet. That’s who I want right now. Everything else I want to disappear.