My sister was spinning in her grave. I could feel the breeze.
“Tell me about why you took it, honey.”
“I just…” Jenny started off strong, as if there was a way she could explain, but her voice faded, “…thought they’d make me feel better. That’s all. Really,” she added for my benefit.
“This is very serious, Jenny,” the doctor said. “Everyone here is worried about you. That’s why we’re going to have the social worker come talk to you. We all need to understand what happened so we can make sure it won’t happen again.”
“It won’t. I swear,” Jenny pleaded.
“Don’t panic, kid.” I squeezed her hand. “You don’t have to go alone if you don’t want to. I’ll go with you.”
“You will?” Jenny’s voice sounded awful. She was choked up and the tubes had scratched her throat pretty good.
“If you want.”
“I think we ought to meet this social worker before there is any talking,” Tonya said, casting serious doubt on the title social worker. “All of us.”
“Certainly,” the nice-lady doctor replied.
“Good thinking,” I said.
Tonya gave a tight-lipped nod. Everybody was in agreement.
The rest of the day was busy. Tonya yelled at me about changing channels too much, while we took turns playing cards and reading to Jenny. I pretended to nap but couldn’t stop myself from checking out the competition’s news magazine shows.
I tried not to think about work. It was impossible. Employed or unemployed, the story rattled through my head.
A long time ago, I learned that truth isn’t relative. It’s quantum. The closer you get, the smaller and infinitely more complex the related elements become. The modern world lives in smaller and smaller segments. There’s Coke, Diet Coke, Caffeine Free, and Cherry. We added to G, PG, PG-13, R, NR and NC-17 with Gens X, Y and Z on the way. Television isn’t so different from life. It’s built from bits and pieces, strung together over time, and repeated on the endless reruns of the mind.
Except for the part about things making sense by the end.
Part of my problem is that I’ve gotten too good at seeing parts. Finding a way to tell the story without exploiting Rachel, without using Nicky Curzon’s off-the-record explanation for Tom’s arrest, without relying on a little salacious conjecture about all those porn magazines…it seemed impossible. Not to mention the fact that any story I produced might become fodder against Curzon’s re-election for sheriff, which would never stop me from reporting on the story, but might qualify as a speed bump.
Editing a story together is similar to taking a photo. Shadows determine form; the light source determines the shadows. I couldn’t figure out where to shine the light on this.
“Maybe I’ll go and see about some caffeine.”
“Bring me something.” Tonya waved at the breakfast tray.
“Me too,” Jenny agreed. Her mushy fruit sat abandoned, a spoon poking out from under a paper napkin shroud.
“Caffeine and ‘somethings’ all around. I’ll be back.”
I wandered the halls, people-watching and mulling. After twenty minutes or so, it appeared the cafeteria had lost itself. The hospital had some renovation project going on and all the maps were either wrong or led to dead-ends of orange mesh. I came out of an elevator, turned a corner and found myself in a hall facing a circle of women and men in Amish dress. Two medical types were talking with them in the waiting area.
I recognized one of the men. It was the guy who’d tromped through Jost’s kitchen in knee-high dairy boots ordering me to vamoose.
The nurse behind the counter saw me gawking. “They’re Amish,” she offered. “A friend of theirs was in a fire.”
It wasn’t easy to keep it to, “Really? That’s a bummer. Was he burned?”
“No,” she assured me with a kindly, vacant frown. “A little smoke inhalation is all. Can I help you find something?”
With an opening like that, how could I not ask? I gave her Jost’s name and she didn’t appear to make the connection. She checked a chart, directed me to his room and returned to her paperwork.
The sight line between Jost’s door and the waiting area where the other Amish were listening to the doctors was blocked by the privacy curtain surrounding the nurses’ station. He was under close observation. I knocked before I entered.
Old Mr. Jost was under the clear plastic covering of an oxygen tent. They had him in a hospital gown but the whiskers still set him apart.
I stood and watched him for a while, thinking of Jenny mostly. I had no plan to ask him questions. Nothing to say to the old fart, really. I think I just wanted to look at him one more time; like the accident off to the side of the road, reminding me to slow down, wear my seatbelt and quit flipping off the other drivers.
What happened here won’t happen to me.
I wished I had my camera between us, but I forced myself to stand there and look through my own eyes.
He blinked awake. That didn’t bother me. But when his fingers flicked against the plastic, I jumped. He wanted me to lift the curtain.
“What?” I asked. I leaned over so my ear was right above his mouth.
“-ay-chel?” The word was mostly exhale.
“She’s all right.”
“Wherrre?”
I thought about lying. “She’s with Grace Ott.”
His eyes closed. He looked dead. The color of his skin, the nearly imperceptible shallowness of his breathing, his eyes didn’t even flicker. It was impossible to perceive any part of what he was thinking or feeling.
That’s when my questions came. I couldn’t stop myself. “Why did he do it, Mr. Jost? Why did Tom ask you to watch? Did he want you to stop him?”
“No.” That word was soft but clear. His eyes stayed closed. With my ear hovering, he whispered, “…maybe, die a little bit…with him.”
“The phone-how did you end up with the phone?”
“Shame,” he whispered, “my shame.”
“You took the phone from Tom.”
His eyes barely opened. They were red with smoke irritation, the skin around them gray and sagging. “Tried. Run to him…too late. Too late.” His eyes pooled with tears.
A nurse pushed into the room. “Uh, uh. Don’t disturb the tent,” she scolded. “Out, out, out of there!”
“I’m going. Sorry.”
His fingers curled and tapped across my hand like the dance of a spider’s legs, calling my attention back.
“Yes?”
“Resist not evil.” They were the clearest words he’d spoken yet.
Miracle of miracle, I remembered that one. “Turn the other cheek. Overcome evil with good.”
He tapped the back of my hand three times. Yes, that’s it.
I nodded. I think he believed that taking the phone was a way to turn the other cheek. Perhaps he meant to confess to his community and explain what happened, or save Tom from the public shame of having acted in anger. But Rachel found the phone. And the protective, controlling father took over. Until now, the only scenarios I had been able to imagine were the ones motivated by a man’s self-preservation and guilt. A hundred questions formed in my head. The nurse glared at me.
“Please, one last question. My colleague thinks there was someone in the house with you last night. Before the fire started. Did you see anyone?”
“Thought boy come for Rachel,” he struggled to say. “Englischer.”
“Did you see him?”
His eyes closed. Exhaustion or the need to keep his own council ended that line of talk.
“That’s all,” Nursey scolded. “You’re disturbing the tent. He needs to rest.”
“I’m done. I’m gone,” I told her. I touched the back of his hand. “Thank you. Be well.”
Slipping out was more nerve-wracking than going in. Through the mesh at the top of the curtain, I could see Jost’s friends and family three feet away and closing. I ducked around the curtain partition and followed it toward the nurses’ station. Just ahead of me, I could hear men on the other side of the curtain. They were having a tight-throated discussion. I froze.