Nico buried his face in his hands, letting out a shuddering breath.
“I didn’t mean to ruin everything,” he whispered. “I trusted him. All the intel I gave him, he swore he was using to help us and I thought...”
“You thought that he would help keep us away and safe, didn’t you?” I finished for him. “I know. It sounds to me like maybe you fell into my pattern for a while there.”
“I don’t know why—I knew it was wrong, that it was bad, but he was good. When I knew him, he was good and he helped me. And I just extrapolated it would apply to everyone else. The only reason you were there was because I forecast the results incorrectly. I didn’t factor all of his behavioral outliers in.” His voice became so small, I had to lean in that much closer to hear him. “He wasn’t always the way he is now. They broke something in him.”
“I’m sorry,” I said. “For not letting you explain. For acting the way I did and not being there for you.”
“I have to fix this,” he said, voice ragged, “I have to make things right. I can’t—I can’t stop thinking about all of the other outcomes we could have had. Vida said if you hadn’t been there we wouldn’t have had the cure, but we don’t have it, do we? It was for nothing.”
It was a punch to the gut. I felt tears spring to my eyes and fought to hold them back. The pain in him was unending. His life was tragedy upon tragedy upon tragedy. And I’d ignored him, punished him. Vida hadn’t made any real attempt. Cate had left altogether. He didn’t have anyone to help him through this. We’d stranded him out in a dark sea without so much as a life vest.
“We can make it right,” I said, taking him by the shoulders. “You’ve done so much already, but there’s still so much left. We’ll figure out another way.”
“You have no logical reason to trust me,” Nico said.
“You may have noticed this about me, but I’ve never been good at listening to logic.”
“That’s true,” he agreed. “It’s not your pattern. Jude liked that. He said you knew when it was okay to break the rules to help people. He said you were like a superhero because you always tried to do good things even if the odds were bad.”
“Jude’s pattern was exaggeration,” I said, hoping he didn’t catch the hitch in my voice.
Nico nodded, his jet-black hair falling forward into his face. He looked sick to me—sick in body, mind, and heart. The pallor of his usually golden-brown skin made it look like his ghost had already up and left his body. “Jude never made logical decisions, but he tried.”
He tried. He tried so hard, at everything, with everyone.
“Ruby, what does the future look like?” Nico asked. “I can’t picture it. I try all the time, but I can’t imagine it. Jude said it looked like an open road just after a rainstorm.”
I turned back toward the board, eyes tracing those eight letters, trying to take their power away; change them from a place, a name, to just another word. Certain memories trap you; you relive their thousand tiny details. The damp, cool spring air, swinging between snow flurries and light rain. The hum of the electric fence. The way Sam used to let out a small sigh each morning we left the cabin. I remembered the path to the Factory the way you never forgot the story behind a scar. The black mud would splatter over my shoes, momentarily hiding the numbers written there. 3285. Not a name.
You learned to look up, craning your neck back to gaze over the razor wire curled around the top of the fence. Otherwise, it was too easy to forget that there was a world beyond the rusting metal pen they’d thrown all of us animals into.
“I see it in colors,” I said. “A deep blue, fading into golds and reds—like fire on a horizon. Afterlight. It’s a sky that wants you to guess if the sun is about to rise or set.”
Nico shook his head. “I think I like Jude’s better.”
“Me too,” I said softly. “Me too.”
14
AFTER LEAVING NICO TO HIS WORK, I headed to the upper level, barely keeping a lid on the fury ripping through me. It didn’t matter, not even for a second, that Senator Cruz was in Alban’s old office with Cole and they were having a serious, quiet discussion. I let myself explode into the room.
Senator Cruz leapt to her feet and pressed a hand to her chest. Cole only leaned back in his seat.
“He told you,” Cole said, his voice flat.
“Yes, he told me!” I snapped. “How could you authorize—”
“Shut the door—Ruby!” Cole slammed a hand down on the desk, cutting off my tirade before it could even really begin. The way his voice immediately softened, the pained quality of it, brought me up short. “Shut the door.”
I kicked it shut behind me, crossing my arms over my chest.
“It is a death sentence to send that kid into Thurmond,” I told him. “He won’t be able to handle it, and even if he could, who’s to say they’ll take him to the camp and not back into Leda’s testing program?”
“The one he was in was closed shortly after I got the flash drive out,” Cole said.
“Like there aren’t others?” I said.
“You were fine with sending Tommy and Pat into Oasis,” Senator Cruz reminded me. She knew about this, too.
“I’m not fine with it. I don’t like it. But they’re functioning as eyes and ears only, and we’ll have them out within two days. Nico won’t be able to get away to install the program, and even if by some miracle he does, he won’t be able to get away from the Control Tower once it’s complete.”
“Then, what do you suggest?” Cole asked. “Really, I’m all ears.”
I thought of Zu’s reaction to Vida and Chubs leaving, the pale shock that had wrapped its icy hands over her. If Nico was right, and this was the only way, then it...I took a deep breath in, my fingers curling into fists. Wouldn’t it have to be me? Nico was too fragile right now. Being back there would destroy him. But I could—if it helped the people I loved, if it helped every kid that came after us—I could accept that it was the role I was meant to play in this.
They’ll kill you, I thought. Clancy had already confirmed what they had done to the other Oranges. You would have to convince them again—make them think you’re Green. I shook my head, trying to clear the thoughts. Last resort. This was a last resort plan.
“I think we need to consider Liam’s ideas,” I said. “Maybe we should go more indirect. Use the media. Get the parents involved. If we take Gray’s image down, shake up that last bit of trust people have in him, we can dismantle his government that way. The international community can’t ignore evidence of abuse and wrongdoing for long. They’ll step in—”
“Sweetheart, they’ve been ignoring evidence for years,” Senator Cruz said. “They tried to drop aid into the country and it backfired. Gray threatened to shoot their planes out of the sky if they crossed into our airspace again. I’ve tried and tried.”
“We just have to get them the right proof,” I said. “We can use Lillian Gray’s words about the cure and whatever she knows about what caused IAAN to prove it’s safe for them to travel in, and help overthrow Gray. Haven’t there been peacekeeping forces formed in the past?”
“We have a deal. Oasis for supplies,” Senator Cruz said sharply, turning to look at Cole. “Are you reneging?”
“No, I promise you, that’s not what we’re doing,” he said, both hands out and placating. “It’s natural to have cold feet before an Op like this. Can I speak to Ruby alone for a few minutes?”
Senator Cruz rose stiffly, casting an unhappy glance in my direction as she exited the room and pulled the door firmly shut behind her.
“Talk to me, Gem,” Cole said. “Tell me what’s going on in that head of yours.”
“We should keep the plan for Oasis, but I think we need to rethink our approach to Thurmond. Nico won’t be able to handle the strain, and we have no guarantee he’d even be brought in. We don’t have to be the League—default on a straightforward assault.”