The door creaked open behind us again. Chubs shrank back against the wall as Vida came strolling out, her shoulders set back, head of mussed purple hair held high—the curl of her swollen lips gave her a look of smug satisfaction. Liam stepped back, letting her by.
Vida didn’t say a thing; she simply dropped Chubs’s jacket over his head as she passed, letting it hang there. He waited until the sound of her boots against the tile had faded before sinking down onto the ground. Chubs kept the jacket pressed to his face, looking for all the world like he was trying to suffocate himself.
“Oh, God,” he groaned. “She’s going to kill me. Actually kill me.”
“Wait...” Liam began, not bothering to hide the grin on his face. I put a hand on his shoulder, afraid he’d start jumping up and down in total and complete glee. “Are you...?”
Chubs finally lowered the jacket. And, after a deep breath, nodded.
Well, I thought, surprised at my lack of surprise. Well, well, well...
“Wow...I mean, wow. I think my brain is going to start leaking out of my ears,” Liam said, pressing the heels of his palms against his forehead. “I’m so proud of you, Chubsie, but I’m so confused, but I’m proud, but I think I need to lie down.”
“How long has this been going on?” I asked. “You haven’t...you’re not...?”
One look of mortification told me everything I needed to know. They had. They were. Liam choked a bit at that.
“What?” Chubs demanded. “It’s a...it’s a perfectly normal human response to—to stressors. And it’s winter, you know, and when you’re sleeping in a car or tent it can be freezing...actually, you know what? It’s none of your business.”
“It is if you’re being stupid about it,” Liam said.
“Excuse me, but I’ve known about contraception since I was—”
“Not what I meant,” Liam said quickly, holding up his hands. “Not at all what I meant, but, uh, good to know.”
I crouched down in front of Chubs, putting a hand on his arm. “I think what he was trying to say was, if this doesn’t pan out, or one of you gets hurt, it’d be hard to take.”
“Oh, you mean like if she erased my memory, forcing me to keep a little fact sheet of who I am in case she does it again?” The minute it left his mouth, I could tell he wanted it back inside his head, where the thought belonged. That alone eased the sting.
“Hey...” Liam warned.
“No, it’s fair,” I said. “I know you can handle it, but Vi’s been...well, the people in her life really put her through the wringer. You’ll be careful with her heart, right?”
“There are no hearts involved in this arrangement,” he reassured me, which wasn’t actually reassuring, let alone believable in any way. “It’s...coping.”
“Okay,” I said.
“And she doesn’t need anyone to protect her or fight her battles for her, got it?” he added, looking between us. The fierceness deflated somewhat. “God, she’s going to kill me for blowing this. We haven’t even been back for a week...You won’t tell anyone, right?”
“Vida’s the kind of person who doesn’t give a rat’s ass about what others think,” Liam pointed out. “A quality I greatly admire in her.”
“Are you saying she asked you to keep this quiet because she’s embarrassed?” I said. “Embarrassed of being with you?”
“She didn’t say it outright, but it’s obvious, isn’t it?”
“Maybe she just wants to keep it between the two of you for now because it’s so new,” I added. “Or because it really is no one else’s business, even ours.”
“You’re a great catch, buddy,” Liam finished. “It’s not you. And she can’t be that mad, anyway, seeing as it’s only the two of us who know, and we’d only ever tell each other. And maybe a G-rated version to Zu. But, man, give yourself some credit. Obviously you’ve got something she likes if she’s jumping your bones.”
“Liam Michael Stewart, wordsmith and poet,” Chubs said, shaking his head as he pushed himself up from the ground. I watched him as he fell silent, wringing his hands, trying our line of logic out. A shadow passed over his expression, one that had me wondering what he was thinking—or remembering. In the end, he shook his head. “I’m not...I mean, I don’t have delusions of grandeur about this stuff. I know who I am and who she is, and I know it’s like putting an apple next to an onion. Whatever. We have an understanding.”
Liam gave his shoulder a reassuring squeeze.
“Anyway, good night,” Chubs said. “Don’t stay up too late. You’re leaving tomorrow morning, don’t forget.”
Liam waited until Chubs had disappeared around the corner at the other end of the hall before turning to me, not even trying to hide his grin. “You wanna go build some shelves with me?”
I held out my hand for him to take, leading him back down toward the right door. It was almost painful, I thought, to have a heart so swollen with gratitude and what must have been pure, untainted happiness. I wanted to live inside the feeling forever.
If nothing else, this one thing—this one choice—wasn’t made under pressure, or fear, or even desperation. It was something I wanted. To be as close to him as I could, with nothing standing between us. I wanted to show him the things that my words were too clumsy, too self-conscious, to really convey.
Neither of us were laughing now; the moment drew me closer to him, winding something up inside of me, making my heart feel weightless with anticipation. His eyes were dark, suddenly serious with the real question. I reached up and brushed an unruly lock of hair off his forehead before I tilted my face, brushing my lips softly against his, a question of my own. Liam let out a sweet, soft sigh, and nodded. I pulled him inside the room and managed to tear myself away long enough to lock the door behind us and take a breath.
Liam sat at the edge of the bed, his shape bright against the dark. He held out a hand and whispered, “Come here.”
I swayed a little on my feet as I stepped into the circle of his waiting arms, watching his slow smile. I brushed the hair away from his face, knowing he was waiting for me. This whole time, from the moment we met, he’d been waiting for me to realize he’d known me all along, and he had never once wanted me to change.
“The you that you were then, who you are now, who you’ll be,” he began quietly, as if sensing my thoughts, “I love you. With my whole heart. My whole life, however long I’m lucky enough to get, nothing will change for me.”
His voice sounded raw, flooded with the same searing feeling racing through me. The relief, the certainty, the overwhelming gratitude I felt that fate had given him to me, all burned my eyes, left me unable to speak again. So I kissed him and told him that way, over and over again between breaths, as he moved over me, inside of me, until there was nothing in the world beyond us and the promise of forever.
20
THE NEXT MORNING, HE WOKE me with a kiss, and then another, until the warm, lazy fog dispelled and I was forced back into reality. Liam pulled away with reluctance and reached for his clothes on the floor to start dressing. I watched him for a moment, amazed at how calm and peaceful I felt—like knowing he wanted and loved the whole me unconditionally had finally and fully brought the pieces of me back into alignment. He centered me so completely, and there was something so beautifully simple and straightforward in what I felt for him. Even something like this, something so important, had been simple for me.
Finally, seeing his amused look as he turned around, I forced myself to get up, too. I couldn’t put off any longer the fact that he was leaving, but it didn’t mean I didn’t try as I caught him for one last, long kiss at the door.
Liam and I were the first ones to the tunnel’s entrance that morning, even after he took a detour to grab food from the kitchen and shower. He had just gone back downstairs to say good-bye to Chubs and the others when Cole appeared at my left, stepping out of Alban’s old office. Just before the door shut, he caught it with his foot and held it open, looking around the room. His whole body seemed drawn with exhaustion, and there was a fresh cut on his left cheek.