I told him I needed to think, and then I walked him out to his car.
XIII
I HAVE THOUGHTS; I AM MOSTLY WRONG
I COULD NOT SLEEP that night.
I thought of Win and how much I had loved him and how much he had claimed he loved me and how that still hadn’t been enough to make him understand why I had to open the club.
I thought of Theo and how well he understood both my business and me. I thought of how very, very much I liked him. I thought how it had made me feel petty and mean that I couldn’t seem to love him the way he loved me, the way I had loved Win. What is so great about you that you turn down a perfectly good boy’s love? I asked myself.
I thought of how I’d tried the entire winter to end my relationship with Theo. I thought this would certainly be one way of ending it.
Mostly I thought of Yuji, who had saved my life and my brother’s life. I thought of the good the union would do my business and the many people I was responsible for.
I thought that Yuji did not have very long to live.
I thought how, when he died, it wouldn’t hurt much because I had never loved him in the first place.
I thought of the many people who married and ended up divorced or miserable. I thought of Win’s parents and my parents.
I thought, romantic love is not a very good reason to marry anyway. People change; love dies. You might, for instance, find yourself standing in a nightclub on New Year’s Eve, with the boy you loved saying that he wished he had never met you. That sometimes happened.
Family. Obligation. Legacy. The more I thought about it, the more these seemed like good and practical reasons to wed.
I thought I was grown-up.
I thought I knew what I was doing.
These were a few of the lies I told myself.
XIV
I ATTEND A GRADUATION
“HOW CAN YOU EVEN CONSIDER THIS?” Theo yelled. It was three weeks later, and he had returned from San Francisco to find me packing my bags and making preparations to leave for Japan with a stop in Boston. As hard as it was for me to believe, Natty was graduating from high school and she would be giving the valedictory speech at Sacred Heart.
Theo removed the clothes from my suitcase and threw them across the room.
“Stop that,” I said.
“I will not. I should go even further. I should tie you up or lock you in a closet. You are making a terrible mistake.”
“Theo, please, you’re my dearest friend.”
“Then, as your friend, I am not happy for you,” he said. “You should not leave me for someone you don’t love.”
“Love has nothing to do with this.”
“What is the reason, then? You are richer than your father. You have done everything you wanted. You cannot owe this man your heart.”
“I’m not giving him my heart. Only my hand.”
“We are happy, Anya. We have been happy for over a year. Why do you wish to make someone else your husband?”
“We have not been happy. We have been arguing for months. And our being unhappy has nothing to do with this anyway. I am marrying Yuji Ono because I have to. No, because I want to.”
“Yuji Ono ruined my cousin Sophia.”
“That isn’t true.”
He changed his tone. “Anya, por favor. We must discuss this. If you still wish to marry Yuji Ono, then do it. But do not be hasty. Why must you rush?”
“He is dying, Theo. And he wants me to inherit his business so that I can do for Ono Sweets what we have done in New York.”
“Puta,” Theo spat.
“What?”
“It means ‘whore.’”
“I know what it means. Are you calling me a whore?”
“I am calling you a person who chooses money over love. That is a whore.”
“I don’t love you, Theo. I don’t know how else or how many times I can say this. And even if I did love you, I’m not sure it would be enough.”
Theo muttered something in Spanish.
“What?”
“You are a sad person, Anya. I pity you.”
My phone rang. “That’s my cab,” I said. “I’m leaving.”
He didn’t reply.
“Congratulate me. I would congratulate you.”
“You cannot honestly think that. Sometimes I feel I have never known you at all.” He left my room and then I heard him leave the apartment.
I picked up my rumpled clothes and jammed them back into the suitcase. I would be lying if I told you my spirits hadn’t also been slightly rumpled by Theo’s words.
As I went into the hallway, Scarlet came out of her bedroom—she and Felix were now using Noriko and Leo’s old room. Scarlet was still in her Dark Room uniform from the night before. She must have fallen asleep in it. About a month ago, Scarlet had been cast in a play. Something experimental in a black-box theater. Something for no pay. Her character was called Truth. Between her job and the play, I barely saw her despite the fact that we lived together. “Anya!” she said. “Wait.”
“Are you going to try to stop me and tell me what a terrible person I am, too?” I asked.
“Of course not. How could I judge anyone, especially you, my darling? I wanted to say be safe and call me when you can.” She put her arms around me. “Also, wish Natty a happy graduation for me.”
Two years ago, I had graduated in a room with a broken-down air conditioner. In contrast, Natty graduated in a garden on the most perfect day in May. Navy-blue and white ribbons hung from the awnings and the trees. Roses were in bloom and their scent perfumed the air. The church kept peacocks, and there were peacock feathers strewn about the grounds, which I found strange but charming. Natty, who had cut her hair into a short bob, was tall and lovely in her pale yellow cap and gown. Next year, she would be going to the Massachusetts Institute of Technology. Her valedictory speech was about water and the importance of developing new divining technologies. I loved watching the way other people listened to her. My sister was going to be someone.
People clustered around her after the graduation was over. I was milling about toward the back of the crowd when I felt a hand on my shoulder.
“Annie,” Win said. “How are you?”
I knew Natty had invited him—they had been friends in Boston, and it did not escape my notice that their friendship had outlasted my relationship with Win—and so I was not surprised to see him. He was wearing a light gray three-piece suit. The pants were cut very slim, and he was as handsome as ever. I offered him my hand, and he shook it. “It is good to see you,” I said.
He was carrying a peacock feather and he smelled like citrus and musk. “How are you?” we both said at the same time.
I laughed. “You first. Your dad says you are still thinking about medical school?”
“I can see exactly what type of conversation this is going to be. Yes. Yes, I am.”
“What would you rather talk about?”
“Anything. The weather,” he said.
“It’s a perfect day for a graduation.”
“Your hair.”
“I’m thinking about letting it grow out.”
“Though I don’t have a vote, I would approve of such a plan.”
I picked up the peacock feather. “What’s this?” I asked.
“I’m not sure. Maybe I’ll write my novel with it,” he said.
“Oh yes?” I asked. “What will it be about?”