“Where were you?” she asked. She pulled the blanket tighter around herself.
“Walking,” I said. Lies came so easily to me.
“Is that safe?” she asked. She was one of those people that asked a question to which the answer was obvious, hoping to elicit the correct response, making you think in the process. It was annoying.
“I don’t know,” I said. “Probably not.”
“You’ve always done that,” she said. “Walked off on your own to think. But you’re not alone, okay. I’m here for you, whether you want me or not.”
I nodded, looked at the licking flames of the fire. Everybody kept saying that. Why couldn’t I bring myself to take anybody up on it? “Thank you,” I said.
“Listen,” she said. She sat up and put her teacup down. “Sky thinks we need a criminal attorney. He says the police believe you had something to do with Beck’s disappearance, and they’re reopening the case of Elizabeth Barnett.”
I needed to tell her, I needed to tell someone about this last clue, about the necklace. But if I did that, I would have to tell everything. And I just couldn’t do that.
“I think you need to come clean, sweetheart,” she said. “You need to go to the police and tell them who you are. They’re going to find out. They’re going to discover that you’ve changed your identity. And when they do, it’s not going to look good. They may already know everything.”
I wondered at her calm, at how there was not even a note of fear or accusation in her voice.
When I didn’t answer: “You need to tell them everything.”
“Do you think I had something to do with Beck disappearing?” I asked.
She kept her eyes on me, her gaze level and cool. Then she reached out her hand and I took it. “I changed your diapers,” she said. “You’ve had problems in your life, bad ones. There was a time when we didn’t know what would become of you. But I know you. I love you.” She closed her eyes, as if swept away by feeling.
It wasn’t an answer. I think she was trying to say that she loved me no matter what I had done. Someone had changed my grandfather’s diapers, and my father’s. And they were monsters. Did she think I was a monster, too? Was I?
“So, no,” she said. “I don’t believe you would hurt anyone. I don’t.”
Was she naive? Or was she just in denial? Or did she know me better than I knew myself ? There was murder in my blood, in both strands of my DNA. I had done everything in my power to escape it, but no matter where you go, there you are.
I lay down on the couch beside her and put my head in her lap. She ran a hand over my forehead, over my short spiky hair.
“Sky has been in touch with one of his colleagues,” said my aunt. “She’ll be here tomorrow.”
“I have to work,” I said.
“Honey,” she said. “It’s not business as usual, you know.”
I noticed how she studiously avoided using the name that was not really mine. She had always been awkward with it, but she knew I couldn’t tolerate the name my mother had given me.
As soon as Rachel knew what was happening to me, would she really want me babysitting for her child? But I had to talk to Luke; unless I was told not to come, I was going.
I fell asleep thinking about that poem and who had written it, about Beck’s necklace and the last words she said to me. I heard her screaming my name, my real name, as I ran away, as far away as I could get.
23
The crowds outside the dorm had turned into a throbbing, bloodthirsty mob by morning. Word that I had been taken in for questioning had spread farther and wider, and the media coverage was heating up. There were news vans and a large crowd of onlookers. I watched them from behind the curtain in my room, trying to pick out individual faces. People were drinking coffee, chatting, some had actually brought chairs. It looked more like a tailgate party than anything else. Were people this bored? Did they have so little to do?
The dorm mother had come early and suggested to my aunt and me that we leave.
“I’m sorry, Lana,” she said. She did look sorry, sympathetic and concerned. “But the other parents are making a fuss. People are understandably unsettled by all of this. Of course, I know that you had nothing to do with this. You’re a sweet soul, always have been.”
When Sky arrived, he agreed that we should leave as soon as possible.
“This is not good for anyone,” he said. He took a pressed, bright white handkerchief from his pocket and wiped at his freckled, bald head. What kind of man still carried a pressed handkerchief ? Obviously, someone too delicate for a situation like this. He handled money, which was quiet and never caused this kind of trouble. I was worried about him.
His assistant had managed, through the magic of the Internet, to rent us a small house just outside the center of town. The plan was to sneak me out when things quieted down. But the crowd only grew.
When I was a kid, I used to wish that there were underground tunnels. You could just climb inside from some kind of basement access where a tunnel buggy would be waiting to take you wherever you needed to go. I wished for that now. I wished I could just walk into a tunnel and disappear forever. I remember reading that about The Hollows. There were miles and miles of underground tunnels from the iron mines that used to be the major industry here.
The police were going to have to make an arrest soon, I knew. Lynne and Frank had been on television last night, pleading for Beck’s safe return. I saw the footage that morning, and both of them looked ghostly, disheveled, dark circles under their eyes. I had two distraught messages from Ainsley on my cell phone, but I couldn’t stand to hear her voice, so worried and far away. I deleted them and hadn’t called back.
There was a soft knock on the door, and Sky pushed in without waiting for me to answer.
“I think we can get out back,” he said. “My assistant is bringing the car around. We can lay you down in the backseat and get out of here.”
“How does that look?” I said. “I’d rather just walk through the fire, you know. Hold my head up and let them see me.”
“But then they’ll follow us,” he said. He was calm and practical. “We want to get you and your aunt some privacy until this matter is settled. Get packed.”
I took my medication and packed a small overnight bag. And when I left my room, I looked it over as though I’d never see it again. How could things ever go back to being what they were before the night in the woods? They couldn’t. No matter what happened, the stigma of this would follow me. By tonight, I knew, everything I had successfully hidden for the last seven years was going to come out. It couldn’t help but be discovered; it was too raw, too sensational, it would sell too many newspapers, magazines, and TV ads. Because that’s what it’s all about now. We are a junk culture of voyeurs, planted in front of our televisions watching the worst and most wretched people make disasters out of their lives.
I walked out of the room and heard Sky and my aunt talking in the kitchen. I tugged on my peacoat and shouldered my bag. I took a black wool cap from one of the hooks by the door; it was Beck’s. I pulled it over the mess of my hair, donned my sunglasses. There wasn’t a mirror in the front room, but the last time I’d dressed like this, Beck said that I’d taken my androgyny to a whole new level. The feminists say that gender is a social construct, something that doesn’t exist in the physical, but only in the imagination of our society. I am inclined to agree.
Their voices were low, and I couldn’t hear what they were saying. On the table by the door was the Mace that Ainsley had bought for me, and for the first time since she’d given it to me, I remembered to shove it into my pocket. The door to the hallway was open, and the next thing I knew, I was walking out into the empty hallway.