In the Country of Men

He could see from my expression that I understood. I wanted to beg him not to tell.

'Her secret is safe with me.'

I was so grateful I could have kissed his hand.

'But you, Suleiman, will have to help me.'

'Anything, anything.'

He looked ahead, smiling. 'I require a list of Baba's friends, as many names as possible, to vouch for him.'

My mind raced to remember. 'Can't I vouch for him?'

He laughed. 'No.'

'Why?'

For a moment I thought he was annoyed, then he smiled again. 'We need men, adults,' he said and the smile vanished. 'Come on, Slooma, you must know at least one name.'

I nodded in the way people do when they are busy searching their memory but wish to offer you a silent assurance that they are close to arresting whatever it is that was now clinging to the tip of their tongue. At that moment if a name was unlucky enough to be remembered it would have been spoken, given up. I thought of the book below my mattress. '1 can't remember any names,' I said.

'What do you mean, you can't remember? Try.' He was irritated. His breath was hot and smelled of rust.

My body trembled. I was surprised at how close to tears I was. 'I have a book,' I heard myself say. 'I saved it from the fire.'

Then I heard my name being yelled. It was Mama. I saw her pale face inside the shade of our house, standing in the hallway. I ran to her. As soon as I was inside she slammed the door shut. She went down on her knees and gripped my arms hard. 'What were you doing with that man? I saw you, don't lie.' She tightened her grip. I never saw her so frightened. 'What has he been telling you? Is this the first time?' I pushed her and ran. The moment I pushed her I heard her give a gasp, the sound of it made me see a small red balloon ebb in the sea's deep blue. When I entered my room I recalled it several times, and every time it made my heart ache. I wished she would come after me. I wanted to apologize. I wanted to show her what the man had given me, the English fiery mint that Baba bought on his travels; it had to be his because it couldn't be found in our country.

12

I found her sitting at the table, smoking. I sat opposite her. I wanted her to say something, to even repeat, 'I saw you, don't lie,' but she ignored me. I watched the garden through the glass door, its floor brushed long with shadows. We can go up to the roof and see how the sea changed today, I thought. Or I could set up her drawing table in the garden where she liked to draw an orange, a plum, a twisted leaf. I never had the patience to sit for her, but now I was willing to try.

'He had a gun, you know. He let me touch it.' Her eyes looked up at me. 'I wonder what Ustath Rashid did? Do you think he's a traitor, do you think Um Masoud is right? I know she gossips a lot, but I've been thinking about it and I think it's true: there is no smoke without fire. Well, it's true, isn't it? Can you have smoke without there being a fire? You can have steam, but that's different, isn't it?' She didn't say anything. She looked at me, then took a quick, nervous drag from her cigarette. Her fingers trembled slightly. Smoke spilled from her nostrils. 'He said he was a friend of Baba. He even called me Slooma and gave me this.' I put Baba's English fiery mint on the table. Mama's face began to change. The moments before we cry the face tries to fold away, hide itself from the world. 'He said Baba will be home soon. Please don't be sad.'

Sharief didn't say that Baba will be home soon, nor did he say, 'Don't be sad.' Those were my own words

that I put in his mouth, like Moosa adding in his own bits to the articles he read aloud.

She mumbled something. It wasn't until she cried again that she repeated it: 'Stupid Faraj.'

I thought of saying, 'Baba isn't stupid,' or, 'Don't call Baba stupid,' but she left the kitchen. I heard her bedroom door slam shut and the key in it turn. Then the telephone rang in the sitting room. She unlocked her door and ran to answer it.

'Hello? Hello? Who is it?' she said rapidly, then her eyes fixed on a spot on the wall and I guessed someone was talking at the other end. 'Yes, Bu Nasser, I am Um Suleiman.' She turned around herself. 'Bu Suleiman isn't here.' She looked at me, pursing her lips and shaking her head slowly. 'With all due respect…' she said and was interrupted. 'With all… With all due respect, Bu Nasser, this has nothing to do with me.' Then after a moment she added, ' Nasser is old enough to make up his own mind. You ought to take this up with him.' She looked at me again, raising her eyebrows, shaking her head. 'But I have just told you, Bu Suleiman isn't here. I have no idea where he is. Listen, I am sure Nasser will be fine,' she said and quoted from the Quran: '"Say: Naught befalleth us save that which Allah hath decreed for us." Then she listened to Nasser 's father. 'Well, Bu Nasser, if you feel this way you should tell your son. No one is forcing him to work for my husband.' When she put the receiver down she kept her hand on it, then telephoned Moosa. 'Can you hear an echo? Good, neither can I. Listen, Nasser 's father has just called. He's worried. He wants to know how involved his son has become. Says if anything happens to him he will hold Bu Suleiman personally responsible.' She looked in my direction, turned around and began secretly whispering. 'And there was an echo in the line. Yes, of course I know what that means. Call Nasser and tell him what his father said and tell him that I am upset: his father threatening us, holding us responsible for his son's fate…"

I suddenly remembered what Judge Yaseen had said to Baba after Moosa quit university: 'You have ruined my son.'

'OK, goodbye,' Mama said and hung up. She went to her room.

A little while later the telephone rang again and she came out, not running this time but walking with confidence and the air of authority possessed by those who believe they are innocent and right. She almost answered it, but something stopped her. She snapped her fingers and, as if the person calling could hear us, whispered, 'You answer.'

I picked up the receiver and looked up at her. 'Hello,' I said.

'Slooma.' It was Nasser. There was an echo; it was a bad line. 'It's Nasser here.'

'I know,' I said.

'How are you, young man? How's your mother? Can I speak to her?'

I handed the receiver to Mama. She pressed her hand against the speaker, curled her eyebrows and whispered, 'Who is it?'

'It's Nasser,' I said and began walking away.

'Listen,' she whispered. 'Was there an echo in the line?'

'Yes.'

Biting her lower lip she gently placed the receiver down. I didn't ask why she did that, or why she was still standing beside the telephone. After a few seconds it rang again.

She snapped her fingers again and said, 'Tell him I am not here, then hang up, don't chat.' She walked back to her bedroom.

I picked up the receiver and said, 'She's not here.'

'Why did you hang up on me?' Nasser said. He sounded hurt; his voice, trembling slightly, was made strange by the echo in the line. After what seemed an endless pause he said, 'When she returns tell her I called, OK? And… And tell her also that I am sorry about my father, about what he said.'

I never understood why I had taken a dislike to Nasser from the moment I had met him. Why was I always short when he was always nice? When he called on Eid to wish us good health and happiness he always insisted on talking to each one of us. Baba would hand Mama the receiver, smiling as if he was embarrassed or proud, as if this Nasser was his creation, as if he was responsible for everything Nasser said. When it was my turn I always tried to get out of it, but Baba wouldn't agree to tell him I was in the bathroom or out playing in the street. He would tense his eyebrows and motion for me to take the receiver from Mama. Nasser always spoke in the same way, calling out, 'Slooma!' as if I was on the opposite side of the road, then, 'How are you, young man?' I answered all of his questions as briefly as I could, and when he wished me good health and happiness I wished him the same, and when he said, 'I am your friend, Slooma,' or, 'If you need anything, think of me as your older brother,' I didn't know what to say and so said nothing but, handing the receiver back to Baba, I always felt a strange rush of anger burn my cheeks. And hadn't I many times wished for an older brother, an older brother like Kareem or even like Nasser?