I became obsessed with the notion that they were planning my death. I would wake in the night trembling, imagining hired assassins creeping into my bedchamber. I remembered the little princes in the Tower. They had been sleeping in their beds, it was said, when men crept in and placed pillows over their faces. I would start at every footfall; when messengers came, I would think they brought a warrant for my arrest. I remembered so well those terrible days when Catharine Howard had feared her death was imminent. I understood how she had suffered.
I had my mission. I must save myself if possible, and each day I was believing myself to be in more and more acute danger.
To whom could I look for help? There was only one who could save me, whose influence had been a beneficial source to me all my life; my cousin, the Emperor.
I recalled those days when I had thought I was to be his bride. I had never forgotten standing at the stairs with my mother, while the barge carrying him, with my father, came in. He was arriving to claim his bride, and that bride was myself. I could see him now, a pale, serious young man in black velvet and a gold chain, looking serene and dignified beside my glittering father. He had taken my hands and smiled kindly. I was in love with him; or I believed I was because my women told me so.
He had wanted to take me back to Spain, but my parents would not allow that. If I had gone, I might have been his wife these many years.
He had given me a ring as a token, saying the ring was a sign of his regard for me. If ever I was in distress and apart from him and sent him the ring, he would do all in his power to help me.
I still had that ring. I took it out and an idea came to me. Now was the time to send it.
I wrote to François van der Delft and asked him to come to me.
Before he could reach me, I received an invitation to go to Court for Christmas. My brother wished me to join the family. Elizabeth would be there, and I should be, too.
A fit of trembling seized me. I knew what this meant. There would be religious ceremonies, and I should be forced to observe the new ways. I should be deprived of the Mass. I was being asked not because I was a member of the family but because they wanted to show me I must conform.
“I will not,” I said to myself. “I will not deny my faith.”
So I could not go to Court. I told them that my state of health prevented my traveling.
Van der Delft arrived.
I told him of my anxieties. He was well aware of them and agreed that the situation was highly dangerous.
He said, “The King's doctors are worried about him. His health does not improve. He suffers from a persistent cough, and he has grown very thin.”
“Somerset is without power,” I said. “It is all in the hands of Warwick.” Van der Delft nodded.
“They have asked me to go to Court for Christmas,” I told him.
I saw the alarm come into his eyes.
“You know why, I see,” I said. “It is to make me conform to their way of worship. I will not, Ambassador. I will not.”
“No. So you will not go. You will plead ill health.”
“It is the only way.”
“I like it not.”
“That is why I have asked you to come and see me. I have been thinking a great deal about my position here. I am sure I am most unsafe. I do not sleep well. I am disturbed by dreams. The slightest noise and I awake in terror.”
“It is not good,” he said.
“What shall I do?”
He said, looking over his shoulder and speaking quietly, “If the King dies, which he could well do, you are the next in succession.”
“Do you think they will ever let me come to the throne?”
“They would have to. There are thousands in the country who would stand beside you.”
“They are trying to promote Elizabeth.”
“I know.”
“She will go whichever way suits her. She will follow any faith that leads her to the crown. Warwick and the Council want Elizabeth. They know that I shall turn the country back to Rome. They would do a great deal to be rid of me before… the King dies.”
He was silent. I looked at him intently. He was an old man; he suffered from the gout and he was not well. He was kindly and had been a comfort to me, but he was not like Chapuys, whom I missed very much. Van der Delft was nervous. He had been sent to serve my interests. The Emperor relied on him to keep me safe for the great project which, with Edward's health in its present state, could not be long delayed. The testing time was close.
I said, “I must get out of the country. I must have a refuge where I can live in safety until the time when I can claim my throne and do my duty to God and my country.”
“You mean escape… leave England?”
“It is what I have decided. I firmly believe that if I stay here they will find some way of ridding themselves of me.”
“They would never let you go.”
“Indeed they would not. So I must go in secret.”
He looked alarmed. “It would be a great undertaking.”
“Nevertheless, I am of the opinion that it is the only way. I have a premonition that they are plotting to be rid of me. I must foil them in that. To stay here… their easy victim…is to play into their hands. You know my health is not good. Even now I am telling them that it will not allow me to go to Court. It will be easy for them. ‘Poor Mary,' they will say. ‘She was never very strong. It was inevitable.' I can see it all so clearly. You must help me, Ambassador.”
“I will do everything I can.”
“Very well. Get in touch with the Emperor. Tell him what we have discussed. Send this ring to him. He will remember it, for he himself gave it to me long ago. When he sees it, he will know how dire my need is, for otherwise I should not have sent the ring to him.”
Van der Delft was silent for a few moments. Then he said, “I will write to the Emperor at once, and I will send a trusted messenger with the ring. There must be absolute silence on this matter. I beg of you, do not speak of it to anyone.”
I readily agreed with him.
I felt a good deal better after van der Delft left. I put my trust in the Emperor.
EAGERLY I WAITED for some reply. I felt better. I must live until the rescue came.
After weeks of my waiting, watching the roads, finding the frustration almost unendurable, van der Delft came with a reply from the Emperor.
He was hesitant so I guessed before he told me that the Emperor was not over-enthusiastic about the scheme.
“What does he say?” I commanded. “Please tell me. Hold nothing back.”
“The Emperor feels it would be a hazardous undertaking. The task of getting you out of the kingdom could be almost insuperable.”
“I know it will be difficult but surely with careful planning…”
Van der Delft nodded. He was wary. He did not tell me what I discovered later, that the Emperor had raised the point of who would support me when I arrived in his realm. I was glad I did not know that, for it would have wounded me deeply. It had not occurred to me at the time that a princess must have her household, and a cousin of the Emperor could not live like a pauper, and if I left England I would be thrown on his bounty. But van der Delft had the tact and courtesy to keep that from me. I should have remembered that, during the difficult times through which my mother had passed, the Emperor had always been too deeply involved with his dominions to give more than moral support. I should have been more realistic. I should have understood that, to the Emperor, the trials of his relations and even the break with Rome were not major concerns. He was the most successful and most powerful ruler in Europe and could not be diverted in the smallest way from the immense task of remaining so. He would help me only if that did not disturb him too much and if no sacrifices were demanded.