“Is that why you are being withdrawn?”
“It is that… and for reasons of health.”
I felt bewildered and very much alone. I could see that no one wished to be involved in my dangerous existence.
I was wrong. Van der Delft was a good man; he was genuinely sorry for me, and he was going to do everything he could to help.
He said to me, “If this plan is undertaken, it must succeed.”
“How can we be sure that it will?”
“We must not attempt it until we are sure.”
“I will trust in God,” I said.
He lifted his shoulders. He looked so terribly ill, poor man. I knew his gout was very painful. But still he wanted to help. He had a good secretary whom he could trust, a certain Jean Dubois; and his idea was that, disguised as a merchant, Dubois should come in a ship bringing grain for the household.
That would not be considered unusual, for grain was now and then brought to the household. When the grain was delivered, I should be smuggled out. We should be away before I was missed, and I should very soon be in Flushing.
I said, “Will you come too, Ambassador?”
He looked helpless.
“You must come,” I said. “I shall need you.”
“Dubois is a trusty servant.”
“But you must come. I must have your promise.”
He smiled at me almost tenderly. “I give it,” he said. “I shall come as a grain merchant, and we shall have you out of harm's way … in no time at all.”
I BEGAN TO WONDER if everything must go wrong for me.
When I heard the news I was astounded and stricken with grief, for, though I had compared van der Delft with Chapuys to his disadvantage, I had grown fond of him and I had relied upon him. He had been with me through a dangerous time and he had been my only link with the Emperor, whom, in spite of everything, I still regarded as my savior.
On arriving in the Netherlands, van der Delft wrote to the Emperor an account of what had happened, and as soon as he had finished he took to his bed. He had fallen into a fever and was delirious.
It was apparent that he was on his deathbed. He was suffering from gout, but it seemed that the plots for my escape had so preyed on his mind that he had become further enfeebled.
The poor man went into raving delirium and talked of the boat which was to take me away from England; he had rambled about the watch on the roads, and the dangers of getting me to the boat. There must have been many who heard it.
I received a note from the Emperor. It came sealed by way of the ambassador who, of course, knew nothing of its contents. It was very disconcerting to have an ambassador in whom I could not confide. Chapuys had been my great comfort, and after him van der Delft…and now, when I most needed help, there was no one to give it to me.
The Emperor did not want to drop the plan in spite of all the difficulties which had arisen, but he thought it must be put aside for a few weeks while his spies informed him what effect the ravings of van der Delft had had. He would send men into the markets to drink with the merchants and there discover if anything had leaked out.
In due course I heard from him again. Apparently there had been no mention of the plot, and it seemed that all was safe.
Now we were free to go ahead.
I was overcome with melancholy and great trepidation. Van der Delft was replaced by a man I did not know. A stranger was coming, disguised as a grain merchant, and I was to escape with him…to the unknown. It was a frightening proposition.
There would be ships lying off the coast, and a small grain ship would sail up the river. Grain would be delivered, and then I should be taken out to safety. It was a dangerous operation but it had the sanction of the Emperor, and Dubois was eager to carry it out with distinction.
We received a message that the merchants had arrived and would bring a sample of corn for the comptroller to see. The next step would be for Dubois to bring the corn into the house.
I had decided which ladies were going with me. I had packed my jewels. I was ready.
We heard that people were watching on the roads. They would be there on the route along which I had to pass to reach the river. It would be a great feat for any of those people to capture me; and, moreover, they would be in trouble if it were discovered that they had allowed me to slip through.
Sir Robert Rochester came to me and said that he had something on his mind and wished to speak to me. I bade him continue.
“My lady Princess,” he said. “There is a rumor that the King is in a very delicate state of health. He cannot marry. He will never produce an heir. It could be that, in a very short time, you will be the rightful queen of this country.”
“I know it,” I said. “The thought is constantly with me.”
“You are the hope of the country, Princess. Many people are waiting for you to return them to God's Church.”
I nodded and was silent.
“If you were not here,” went on Sir Robert, “it would be the Lady Elizabeth.”
“I should have to come back to claim my right.”
“It is never easy to come back, my lady.”
“Sir Robert, what are you suggesting?”
He was silent for a few seconds, and then he said slowly, “This is a desperate operation. If you are discovered, what will happen?”
“I shall be taken to the Tower. I shall be judged a traitor. I have been in communication with a foreign power. You know what that means, Sir Robert.”
“They would seize upon it. It would give them the opportunity for which they have been waiting.”
“You are telling me that it is unwise for me to go.”
“I believe, Princess, that if you go…even if the escape is successful and you reach Flanders, you will have lost a kingdom.”
I saw the reasoning behind this.
I said, “I am in fear of losing my life here.”
“That is true, but we will be watchful, and you have many friends. I believe your enemies are aware of this, and they would not dare to harm you.”
“They might by subtle means.”
“There is a possibility. But your servants love you and guard you well. They pray, Princess, for the time when you mount the throne and sweep away this evil which has taken possession of the land.”
“You are telling me I must stay.”
“It is your decision, Princess.”
“Dubois will be here soon,” I reminded him.
“You could tell him you were not prepared to go…just yet.”
“After all the preparations!”
“The Emperor will try again if he is really in favor of your escape.”
“You think he is not entirely so?”
It was then I learned that the Emperor had hesitated because he feared he would have to provide me with a household and that I should be a drain on his exchequer.
I said, “The Emperor was ever a careful man. It is the reason why he is the richest and most powerful man in the world.”
“That may be so, Princess. But would you wish to be a burden…one he might shoulder reluctantly?”
“What then, Sir Robert? Are we to tell Dubois when he comes with his grain that I will not go?”
“That is for you to say, my lady Princess. The decision is entirely yours. If you decide to go, rest assured that I will do all I can to assure your safety. It is for you to say whether you will risk staying here in order to gain your kingdom, or whether you will take an equal risk and give it away to those who would destroy it in the eyes of God.”
I wanted to be alone to think. He had reduced me to a terrible state of indecision.
I spent a restless night. I did not sleep at all. Rochester was right, I told myself. I would be throwing away my heritage if I left. I had soothed my conscience by telling myself I would return and win my kingdom when it was mine by right. But how could I do that? With the Emperor's help? Had the Emperor come to save my mother when she was in dire distress? Would not his continuing commitments demand all his attention, all his forces? That was how it had been in the past. Would it change? The Emperor would certainly wish to see the true faith returned to England, but how far would he be prepared to risk his forces to bring it about?