I had to be realistic. I had to rely entirely on my own judgement. I was in danger here. I was in constant fear that one day or night some assassin would make an end of me. I would continue to live in fear. But should I be safe in Flanders? Had not my father sent assassins abroad to try to kill Reginald Pole? They had not succeeded but they might have done so.
Let me look truth in the face. God had put me in this position. I could perform a great mission if I lived. My life was in God's hands. If He wished me to succeed in this great task, I needed His help. I needed His guidance. To go or to stay? Rochester had made me see clearly that if I went I might save my own life but in doing so lose my kingdom.
I prayed, passionately asking for guidance.
I felt the presence of God beside me, and in the morning I knew what I should do.
SIR ROBERT HAD RECEIVED a letter from Dubois.
He had arrived with the corn, and he and his men had made it known in the town that they were there. That night the water would be high in the river, and that would enable the boat to come right in. It would not be so easy after this night. Because of the tide, it would be reasonable for the boat to be in the most convenient spot at two o'clock. I should not bring too many women with me, for that would arouse suspicion.
Rochester sent a note to Dubois asking him to meet him in the churchyard. If they were seen together, there would be no cause for suspicion as it would be thought they were discussing the consignment of corn.
I saw Rochester before he went.
I said to him, “I have been questioning myself all the night.”
“I know it, Princess, and you have come to the right conclusion. You are too good a Catholic to have come to any other.”
“I have a duty,” I said. “I can do nothing else.”
He took my hand and kissed it. “It cannot be long,” he said, “before I shall fall on my knees and call you Her Majesty the Queen.”
“There is much danger to be lived through first.”
“But with God's help, my lady…”
“Yes,” I answered, “with God's help.”
We were silent for a moment. I was thinking of what we had said. If overheard, it could cost us our lives. I was certain of Sir Robert's loyalty to me, and I was exultant in the midst of my fear, for I knew I had chosen rightly.
I said, “You will go to the churchyard and tell Dubois.”
“I must break it gently,” he replied. “If I say bluntly that you are not going after all this preparation, I cannot answer for his reaction. I think it better to hint at a postponement.”
“But he says it is tonight or never.”
“Well, my lady, it is not going to be tonight.”
He went to his tryst with Dubois, and when he returned he came straight to me and said that he had told Dubois that there was no chance of my going this night. The watch on the roads had been doubled and I should certainly be stopped. “The Emperor must understand how dangerous it is,” he had said, “and when he does he will realize the necessity for postponement. The escape could have a better chance of success in the winter.”
Dubois had been deflated. He had said brusquely that he was only acting on orders and it was not for him to make decisions. He could not believe that the Princess, after all her entreaties for help, had, now the moment had come to put the plan into action, decided not to carry it out.
“He is very disappointed in us,” I said.
“He said he had had his instructions from the Emperor, my lady, and he would need letters from you discharging him from his duties.”
“He shall have them,” I promised. “It shall be known that no blame is attached to him.”
“I told him,” said Rochester, “that I would give a great deal to see you safely out of the country, and indeed I had been the first to suggest it. I impressed on him that it was not that you did not wish to go but that you felt this was not the moment, for it is very unsafe to do so and the chances of being caught, due to this watch on the roads, have been multiplied. In the winter it could be considered again. He said that to him it was just a question of to go or to stay. He merely wanted a Yes or No.”
Later Dubois came to see me. By this time I was completely convinced that I must not go.
The man was irritated. He had been sent out to perform a mission, and he would return with it unfulfillled. He needed my written word that it had failed through no fault of his and that it was entirely my decision that at the last moment I would stay.
He left us and was soon on his way to Flanders.
I do not know how the rumors got about. It is always difficult to say. A careless word here and there is taken up and exaggerated. However, rumors were circulating that I had escaped. There was talk of visits to the house at Woodham Water and of grain ships sent by the Emperor to convey me out of the country. People were intrigued by the thought of men disguising themselves as grain merchants and coming to the aid of a princess.
The Council was aware of what had happened and had all ports manned with soldiers; all ships coming in were subjected to special examination.
I was not surprised when messengers came from Court. I was asked in such a way which made it a command either to move inland or to go to Court.
My reply was my usual one. My health was not good enough to allow me to move.
I knew that I was in more acute danger than ever.
At last - the Queen
SOMERSET HAD FALLEN INTO TROUBLE AGAIN. I WAS SORRY to hear this, for he had, in his way, been good to me. I think it was due to him that I had been allowed to hear Mass unmolested all this time.
He seemed to be gaining support in the country, and Warwick losing popularity. Somerset planned to replace him but Warwick was a wily man, and he wanted more and more power. He had ennobled himself and was now the Duke of Northumberland.
Before long he declared he had uncovered a plot hatched by Somerset to murder him, Northumberland, and seize power. Somerset was commanded to come to the Council and was arrested and put into the Tower, accused of plotting to secure the crown for his heirs.
There was proof that he had planned to replace Northumberland, but that in itself was no crime. However, Northumberland was determined on his destruction and, as he was the most powerful man in the country, Somerset was found guilty and condemned to lose his head.
He met his death with dignity and was buried in St. Peter's Chapel, between Anne Boleyn and Catharine Howard.
With unscrupulous Northumberland in command and my brother turning more and more to the Reformed Religion, I was becoming very uneasy indeed.
To my dismay, a letter arrived from the Council and another from the King. I was very distressed when I read them, although I was prepared for some drastic action after it became known that I had contemplated escape.
So far, I had been allowed to worship as I pleased, but that was to be so no longer, it seemed.
My brother demanded that I conform to the new religion, which was that of the country. I had misunderstood if I thought I might do that which was forbidden to others. Was it not scandalous, he wrote, that so high a personage as myself should deny his sovereignty? I saw what he meant. In disobeying the laws laid down by the present regime, I was disobeying him. It was unnatural, he went on, that his own sister should behave so. I must be reminded that further disobedience was unacceptable to him and could incur penalties which were applied to heretics.