I was ashamed of my countrymen, but Philip remained calm and as courteous as ever; he would not give up his Spanish household and, as I had provided him with English servants, he kept the two, which must have been a great expense; but as he could not easily dismiss those I had found and would not give up those he had brought, he accepted the cost.
I wished that we could have talked more openly together. I wished I had known what was in his mind. There were constant dispatches arriving from the Emperor. Philip would spend most of the day dealing with them. I saw very little of him except in company, and when we were alone in our bedchamber, very few words were spoken.
It was in September when I believed I might be pregnant. I had suffered through my life from internal irregularities, so I could not be sure, but I had a certain exultant feeling within me. I felt blessed, and I said to myself: This is what the Virgin experienced when she was visited by the angel.
This was what I had longed for. A child of my own! Everything I had endured… all my troubles… they were all worthwhile, if I could hold my own child in my arms.
I was afraid to say anything. I was fearful that it might not be so.
But it must be. Why else should I have this feeling of exultation?
SEPTEMBER PASSED. EACH DAY I became more sure. I wanted to sing out to the housetops, “My soul doth magnify the Lord …I am to have a child…a child of my own. It will be a son. It must be a son.” Oh, what rejoicing there would be! If only the time would pass more quickly. When could I expect the birth? Next May perhaps? The child would be my firstborn. Who knew? There might be others…
I could think of nothing but my child.
Susan knew that something had happened. She waited for me to tell her. But I did not just yet, hard as it was to keep a secret. I was afraid that she would remind me of my weakness which had been with me all my life.
“Are you sure?” she would say. “Can Your Majesty be sure?”
I could not bear that there should be a doubt; and she would doubt, I knew. She would say, like the rest: She is nearly forty years old. She is too old for childbearing. She has her weakness. It is a recurrence of that which we have known before.
No! No! I argued with myself. This is different. I am no longer a virgin. I am a wife…a passionately loved wife.
Passionately? Was Philip passionate? How could I know? What experience had I of passion? He seemed eager and loving. He did care for me. He did, I vehemently assured myself.
At last I could not resist telling Philip. We had retired for the night and were alone together.
I said to him, “Philip, I think it may be so…I believe it to be so…” He looked at me eagerly.
“I believe I am with child,” I concluded.
I saw the joy in his face, and my heart swelled with happiness.
“You are sure…?”
“Yes, yes…I think it may be so.”
“When… when?”
“I cannot be quite certain of that. Perhaps next May we may have our child.”
I saw his lips moving, as though in prayer.
A FEW WEEKS PASSED. I was terrified that I should be proved wrong; but so far I was not.
I had told Susan now. She looked alarmed.
“Why, Susan,” I said, “you should rejoice.”
She replied, as I knew she would, “You are sure, Your Majesty?”
“I am absolutely sure.”
“May God guard Your Majesty,” she said fervently.
I knew what she was thinking. I was old… too old… for childbearing. I was going to prove them wrong. I was not yet forty. Women had children at that age. I was small and slight—not built for the task of bringing children into the world. They would all have to change their minds. I would make them.
I was faintly irritated with Susan. She did not share my pleasure. I would have reprimanded her but I knew it was out of her love for me that she was apprehensive.
Philip said to me, “The French are plaguing my father. I should be there to help him.”
A cold fear ran through me. “He will understand that you must be here,” I said.
“Oh yes… for a time.”
“It is your home now, Philip.”
He said a little coldly, “My home is in Spain. One day I shall be the King.”
“That is far ahead, and now that we are married we must be together. The people would never allow me to leave this country.”
He said nothing, but his lips were tight.
I thought: Poor Philip. He is a little homesick. It is natural. Perhaps the Emperor would come and visit us or, mayhap, when the child was born, I could go with him… just for a brief visit.
I knew that could never be. But I was in love and about to be a mother, so I allowed myself wild dreams.
HAPPY AS I WAS, I thought often of my sister Elizabeth. She was a prisoner at Woodstock under the good, though stern, Sir Henry Bedingfield and I knew how that must have irked her.
From Sir Henry I had learned of a plot to assassinate her. The suspicion came to me that it might have been hatched by Gardiner, who was always an enemy of hers, and I expect he feared what might happen to him if she came to the throne. According to Sir Henry, he had been called away and had left his brother in charge, giving him strict injunctions that Elizabeth must be watched day and night, not only because of what she herself might become involved in but because there might be those who wished to harm her.
A man named Basset, with twenty men, had been found loitering in the gardens, with the obvious intent of doing some harm to my sister. Because of the strict vigilance, the conspiracy had been discovered and the plot failed.
Although she caused me continual anxiety, I should hate any harm to come to her; so she continued to be in my thoughts.
I had never understood her and was always uncertain as to whether or not she would plot against me. Whenever we were together, I felt nothing but affection for her. Perhaps I was guileless, but I believed she cherished sisterly feelings toward me.
And these accusations which were brought against her? Were they true? I wished I knew. I wished I could trust her completely and that she could come to Court so that we might be as sisters should.
I spoke to Philip about her.
I said, “My sister is much on my mind. It is hurtful that she should be kept under restraint. After all, she is my sister. I want to see her. I want to ask her, face to face, how much truth there is in these rumors that she has supporters who would set her up in my place. If she has hopes …” My voice softened and I looked at him appealingly, “… they cannot remain…now.”
I believe the Spaniards are brought up to hide their emotions. My mother had not been like that. Formal as she could be at times, she had always been warm and loving with me. Perhaps it was not in Philip's nature to show emotion.
He was preoccupied with the subject of Elizabeth. I had noticed that, whenever her name was mentioned, he became alert and gave his full attention to what was being said.
“Bring her to Court,” he now advised.
I smiled happily. “You think that would be a good idea? Gardiner is against it.”
He lowered his eyes. “Bring her to Court,” he repeated. “Speak with her alone. Ask her… then judge.”
I nodded. “I should like to see her married.” I smiled at him fondly. “Everyone should marry. It is the greatest happiness on Earth…as I have found.”
A wry smile touched his lips. I told myself it meant that he agreed with me.
I went on, “Emmanuel Philibert will be here for a few months. He would be a suitable match. It will be better when she is out of the country. While she is here, there will always be people to see her as a rallying-point. There are a great many heretics in the country, Philip, and they look to her.”
“That will be remedied,” he said. “Send for her. It is the best.”
He asked questions about her, and I told him how, when she had been born, she had been treated with great respect and, when her mother fell out of favor, how her fortunes drastically changed. “She has lived her life under the shadow of death,” I went on. “Many times she has come face to face with it.”