The months passed. The Queen's pregnancy was becoming obvious, and never was there a more welcome sight. The King was tender toward her, certain that she bore the son he wanted. Seers prophesied the sex of the child to please him; they would have to make themselves scarce if they were proved wrong.
I was torn between my desire for Jane's happiness and my own need to accomplish my mission, for the two were incompatible. I told myself that, if it were God's will that Jane should bear a son who would be the future King and, on account of his age and mine, my plans would be frustrated, I must not complain.
I was ready and waiting if wanted. I could leave this in God's hands.
Jane was so eager that Elizabeth should be brought to Court that she plucked up courage and mentioned this to the King, and he, eager to pamper her and perhaps fearing what adverse effect there might be on her child if she were crossed, agreed that Elizabeth might come; but he did imply that he did not wish to see her.
I knew how delighted Lady Bryan would be if there was some recognition of her darling, and I wanted to take the news to them and help the child prepare. So I left the Court at the end of summer and went to Hunsdon.
There was a great welcome for me. Margaret was delighted to see me. As for Elizabeth, when she heard she was going to see Queen Jane, she was overjoyed.
Her face was alight with pleasure and anticipation, her red curls bobbed up and down as she jumped, for she found it difficult to keep still, and Margaret was always admonishing her about this. She was four years old but her manner and way of speech were more fitting to a child of eight or nine. She was exceptionally bright and very forward. Margaret said she had never seen a child so full of vitality and yet so eager to study her books. I only half believed Margaret, for I knew her darling was perfect in her eyes. But it was true that Elizabeth was a most unusual child—the sort that one might have expected the King and Anne Boleyn to produce between them. It was over a year now since the little one had lost her mother. I wondered if she still thought of her.
Margaret was anxious about the child's clothes. She could not go in patched shifts, she declared. I was no longer poor. Gifts had been showered on me since my reinstatement, and I had an income and money from both the King and Queen. So between us we were able to equip the child for Court.
Her delight was infectious. I forgot to wonder what would be the outcome of my mission. I was caught up in the excitement of taking Elizabeth to Court.
IT WAS SEPTEMBER. The birth was expected during the following month. There were no more appearances in public for Queen Jane. She was to have a month of quietness at Hampton Court. It is, I suppose, with its courtyards and towers, one of the most magnificent buildings in England. I could never be in it without thinking of Thomas Wolsey. There he must have experienced great anguish when he realized that he, who had risen so high, was soon to fall. How had he felt when he had handed this palace over to the King? My father had questioned whether it was right that a subject should live in greater splendor than his king, and Wolsey, with that immediate perception which had brought him to his elevated position, had remarked that a subject should only have it that he might present it to his king. With that remark he may have given himself a few weeks' grace, but it had lost him his palace.
And now here we were, while Jane awaited the birth of her child.
She was, as I had known she would be, enchanted by Elizabeth. Brighteyed, with reddish curls and that amazing vitality, she possessed that charisma which I had never seen in any other person except my father in his youth. She must have inherited it from him. How could any of her mother's enemies suggest for a moment that she was not his child? He was there in her gestures, in her very zest for life. I thought, if he would only allow himself to see her, he would be completely beguiled.
But he did not see her. He did receive me. He told me that he had heard from Dr. Butts that I was well and that if I would not get over-excited I would cease to be tormented by my headaches.
“You should live more peacefully,” he told me, giving me one of those suspicious looks as though to ask: What are your aspirations? What is it that over-excites you? You are only a bastard, remember.
I shall never forget Jane during those weeks before her confinement. I wondered if she had a premonition of what was to come. It was only natural that she must have been overcome with dread—not only because of the ordeal of childbirth but by what the outcome might be if she gave birth to a stillborn child or one of the despised sex. There were dismal examples of what had happened to others, and I guessed she could not dismiss them from her mind.
I can see her now, standing with me in the great banqueting hall which had only just been completed. She had gazed at the entwined initials—her own and those of the King: J and H. It was a custom of his to have his initials entwined with those of the wife who happened to please him at the moment. They were all decorated with lovers' knots and cast in stone, which was ironical because it was so much more enduring than his emotions, and so remained long after his passion had passed away.
Jane was looking pale and by no means well. I thought a little fresh air would be good for her, such as a quiet walk in the gardens or to sit awhile under one of the trees and enjoy the autumn sunshine. But it was forbidden. The King feared there might be some minor accident which would bring about a premature birth. She was reminded at every turn that she carried the country's—and the King's—hopes for a male heir.
Elizabeth was with us, and she created a diversion. There was no doubt that Jane found pleasure in her company. Elizabeth was completely sure of herself and did not seem in the least concerned because her father would not see her. I was sure she believed that when he did he would fall victim to her charm, as almost everyone else did. I thought it was strange that she, who wanted an explanation of everything she saw or heard, never mentioned her mother. It seemed to me that it was an indication that she knew what had happened to her. Margaret would never have told her, but the sharp ears would be constantly alert for information; and I felt she knew. What would a child of four think of a father who had murdered her mother? What did I think, for he had as good as murdered mine? It says a good deal for his personality that neither of us hated him. It may have been largely due to the aura of kingship which was so much a part of him. But it was more than that. He had something in his nature which enabled him to act most cruelly—barbarously, in fact—and still people would forgive him and seek his approval.
At last the day arrived. The Queen's pains had started. There was a hushed expectancy about the palace. All were afraid to approach the King. The next few hours would be decisive. Either we should have a happy monarch or a furious, raging tyrant to contend with.
We were all in a state of tension. “A boy!” prayed the King and all those about him. Not surprisingly I was unsure of what I wanted. A boy would mean the end of all hope for me. I should lose that great chance which I had believed Heaven was holding out for me if the child were a boy. And yet… a boy would make life easier for us all. Suspicion would shift from me. No one could doubt that the King's marriage to Jane was legal, for both his previous wives had been dead at the time he married. A boy in any case would come before me… and Elizabeth.
I should be praying for a girl…or, more to my advantage, a stillborn child. But how could I? I could not bear to think of the troubles which had beset my own mother falling on Jane.
I said to myself, “God moves in a mysterious way. If it is His will that the task of bringing England back to the true Faith shall be mine, then it will be so.” And I believed that.