“Nix, it’s been sixty days. Sixty longs days since I’ve felt you in me, pounding into me, destroying me. I need you.” I try for the begging this time. I’m not lying. I do need him. I need him more than my next breath. I crave that connection. I want the intimacy of what only he can give me.
“And I need you, so fuckin’ bad, but it’s only one more week. You can last,” he smiles, leaning in to kiss me. I let out a sigh of defeat.
“Fine,” I snap, annoyed that he just rejected me again. “Get off me then.” I try not to get upset, but seriously.
Rolling back off me, he reaches over and flicks the light off.
“When I do take you, Kadence, it will be well worth the wait,” he promises, dragging me back in his embrace, his front to my back. “Sleep,” he demands, and I roll my eyes and force myself not to be a smartass. He doesn’t see my struggle, yet I feel the strength of his body as he holds me protectively close. Curling into his side, I hear a faint whisper, words I can't make out. The sound of his voice is a simple, sweet caress and fills me with warmth, helping to lull me to sleep.
***
“Hey, Kadence, will you be my mom?” Z asks the next morning when sitting next to me on the sofa. These past four weeks, Z has been on summer break, no longer my student and now my healing buddy.
“You have a mom, Z,” I say, sitting up to grab the remote to pause the TV. We’ve been watching a marathon of the Walking Dead, something that I’m never going to un-see. That shit is crazy whacked.
“I know things are bad at the moment, Z, but I can’t take that role away from her.” I watch his face fall, devastated I just pretty much told him no. I don’t know how to handle this one. Think, Kadence.
“My mom doesn’t even love me.” His voice cracks a little at the admission.
“Hey, that’s not true. She loves you, Z.” I reach out and take his hand.
“She hasn’t spoken to me since.” He looks down at our joined hands. I can’t help but want to hold him, tell him she doesn’t deserve him and I would love to be his mom, but I can't. Could I?
“I know, honey, and as much as the thought of being your mom sounds amazing, it just doesn’t work like that. But I can be your friend,” I add. “One of your bestest friends. I promise to look after you, drive you when you need to go somewhere, feed you all the food you love and always be here for you to talk to.” I smile down at him.
“So pretty much do all the things a mom should do?”
“Yeah, I guess,” I admit.
“It’s not fair. Why can’t you be my mom?” he questions and I can see his frustrations. “I love you more than my mom,” he softly admits.
I draw in a deep breath through my nose to stop the sting of tears. “I love you as much as a mom should love their son, Z,” I tell him.
“So can we just pretend you’re my mom?” he smiles, hopeful.
I nod letting him know that I’m okay with that. He moves closer, and nestles gently next to me. I feel more love for this little man than his mom has ever shown. If that makes me his pretend mom, so be it.
“I love you, Kadence,” he declares, settling in for the next installment of the zombie madness.
“I love you, Z,” I softly reply, kissing his head. A tingling sensation crawls over my skin. Feeling Nix’s eyes on me, I try to keep calm. I know he just witnessed me telling his son that I loved him. I don’t turn and acknowledge him, afraid of what I may see. Instead, I hold on to Z’s hand and cherish the moment we just had, knowing that the man I love stands behind us, giving us the space we need. And I love him even more for it.
Chapter Thirty
Nix
“He’s gone.”
“Gone for now or gone for good?” I ask down the phone. I’ve been waiting on this call for weeks, waiting for the moment I can either put Gunner Jamieson behind me or for the chance to fucking kill him with my own hands. I know I said I’d let T handle it, but deep down if I had to, I would. I would kill him.
“Gone for good,” he answers.
“Right,” I say, understanding T’s meaning of good. I don’t ask questions. I know how it works.
“He might be gone, but someone else will replace him,” he continues, telling me what I already know.
“Don’t see it being a problem if we don’t have problems, T,” I lay it out for him. The clubs might have the truce, but T never shook on that. He might get a wild hair and pull back on it one day.
“We’re good, Nix. The last few years have been smooth. Got myself a woman and baby on the way. Don’t need more fucking drama.”
“Fuck, I hear ya there,” I agree. “That all?” I ask, ready to go let the boys know about the asshole. They’ve been on some strict lockdown preparing for retaliation.
“Yep, speak again in another few years,” he suggests, enjoying our relationship just as much as I do.
“Make it longer,” I tell him truthfully. I’m grateful for their help, but the less we have to do with them, the better.
“Gotcha,” he says before hanging up. I pocket my phone and head down to the clubhouse. One major shit storm cleared up, now I just have to deal with Addison.
***
“No. Fucking. Way,” Beau nudges me to look up as we walk through the doors of Bare Assets the next day. I knew coming here would be hell. The last thing I wanted to do was see this shit, but looking up at the lit up stage, no more than five meters in front of me and seeing my ex-wife climb a pole like there is gold at the top is worse than fucking hell. I had no fucking idea she was doing this.
“Can I get you guys anything special?” A blonde dancer walks up to us as we approach a table wearing nothing more than a thong and a smile.
“Yeah, you can fuckin’ tell Addison, when she’s done shakin’ her ass, I wanna to speak to her,” I tell her, pointing up at the stage as Addison bends over, playing fucking peek-a-boo between her legs. How the fuck she got a job here confuses me. Sure, she looks the part, fake tits, bleach-blonde hair, but she’s pushing forty. Times must be tough for the owner.
The last time I saw Addison was the afternoon I read Z’s statement. Even after I ripped her a new one, and warned her that she would have a huge fight on her hands, she said she would fight me. Yet she never fucking showed.
“What are you gonna do?” Sy asks beside me.
“What can I do? It’s not my fuckin’ problem now. She wants to ride the pole over being a mother, nothin’ I can do.” He nods agreeing.
I can’t make her be a good mother, but I need to know what the fuck her plans are. Z doesn’t need the uncertainty of when or if he sees her again. This week has been hell. Addison not showing up to the hearing only proved to Z how much she didn’t care. Her shmuck of an attorney tried to reschedule, but the judge denied that request. Said the testimony of Z’s statement and her lack of responsibility goes to show she’s unfit, and full custody was awarded to me. It didn’t feel as good as I thought it would when I saw the look on Z’s face. I know he wants to be with me, but seeing his mom not show, not even try to fight, just broke his heart more.
“What do you want, Nix?” Addison comes up to the table when she finishes up on stage. The only reason I knew she was here was because one of the boys came in last night, saw her shaking hers ass and called me straight away.
“So this is more important than showin’ up for Z? To show your son that you want to be a part of his life?” I accuse.
“Don’t fucking patronize me, Nix. We both know that you would have won custody.” She rolls her eyes, which just pisses me off.
“Fuck, you’re a piece of work. You don’t deserve him. I know that, but he’s fuckin’ eleven years old; he fuckin’ needs his mom.”
“Well, it’s good that your little teacher slut is all moved in, ready to go,” she hisses.