Truth was, I’d forgotten he was there. Was that a bad thing to say, or a good thing? Did it mean I was getting more comfortable with myself, or that I was falling into the pit of whoredom? Whatever, but I was suddenly frozen, gazing over Nathaniel’s body into those pale, blue eyes. It was what I saw in them, that made me freeze. Lust would have been embarrassing, but logical. But that wasn’t what I saw. Jason watched us with something in his face that was close to sorrow, and his eyes held a longing, a sense of loss. I didn’t know what to do with that look, so I stopped, and raised my face up from Nathaniel’s body.
Jason realized I saw him, and he ducked his head. When he looked back, he had his face under control. He almost pulled the joke off, when he said, “Don’t stop on my account. I’m enjoying the show.” His voice was fine, but his eyes, the lightness never quite reached his eyes.
“Liar,” I said.
He gave me an unhappy smile. “I thought you were too busy to notice me. I should know that without theardeur you pay better attention.”
“What’s wrong?” Nathaniel asked.
“I’m not sure,” I said.
“Don’t worry,” Jason said, “I’m not pining for you, Anita, or Nathaniel for that matter. But I am pining for someone to take that much time and attention with me.”
I frowned at him.
“You can have sex, and it can be good, but I’d give almost anything to have someone touch me the way you touch Nathaniel. We’ll probably have sex later, and it will be great, but you won’t look at me like that.”
I sighed. “I think I remember us having this conversation before.
You want to be consumed by love, and my goal in life is never to be consumed at all.”
“Ironic, isn’t it,” he said, “I want just once for someone to look at me the way you look at Nathaniel, and you’ve been scared to death of it. You keep saying that theardeur is a curse, but if theardeur had never come along, you wouldn’t have Nathaniel, or Micah. I’m not even a hundred percent sure you’d be double dating with Asher and Jean-Claude.”
I laid my arms across Nathaniel’s cheeks and rested my face on my arms and looked at Jason. I looked at him and tried to hear what he was saying. “Maybe, about Asher, I mean. Once you’ve crossed enough lines, one more doesn’t seem that big a deal.”
“Exactly,” Jason said.
“So theardeur is what, a blessing?”
“Look at what you’re propped up on, and tell me it isn’t? I heard you earlier, Anita. If theardeur hadn’t come to you, you’d still be stuck where you had been. You’d still be fighting what you want, and what you think you’re supposed to want.”
I looked at him, while I rested against Nathaniel’s body.
Nathaniel had propped himself up on his elbows and was looking at Jason. We both seemed utterly comfortable with him there. Was that wrong? It didn’t feel wrong.
I wanted to argue, but I couldn’t, well, I could, but I would have sounded silly. If theardeur hadn’t come, where would I be? I thought, I’d still be with Richard, but as soon as I thought, I knew better.
Richard had used theardeur as another excuse to run from me, but he hadn’t liked any of my life. He hadn’t liked the police work, the zombie raising, my comfort with the vampires and shapeshifters.
Strangely, the thing he’d liked less was that I seemed willing to accept him and his beast. I’d seen too far into his head in that one moment in my own bathroom. Damian had said it best; Richard loved his shame more than he loved anything else.
So, where would I be without theardeur? No Micah, no Nathaniel, no Asher. My life still nothing but murder cases, zombie raisings, and vampire slayings. Hell, without theardeur would I have stayed with Jean-Claude, or would I have found another reason to run from him, too? Maybe. It sounded like something I’d do.
I looked at Jason and settled more solidly against Nathaniel’s body. He sighed, and laid his head down on the bed.
“So what, theardeur is the universe’s way of getting me where I needed to go?”
“Maybe,” he said, then grinned, “I can’t speak for whole universe.
All I know is that I envy you, and I don’t envy many people.”
I frowned.
“Are you jealous?” Nathaniel asked.
Jason looked surprised, either at the question, or at who had asked it. He finally shook his head. “Not jealous of you or Anita, like in love with you jealous, no. Jealous of what you have together, hell yes. Jealous of not having that many people in love with me, hell, yes, again.” He smiled, and then grinned, and it reached his eyes this time. “Besides, I’m not Anita’s type for a relationship.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?” I asked.
“I’m not submissive enough, or dominant enough for you. I’m certainly not domestic enough. I’m also not willing to take on all the responsibilities that Micah seems to embrace so easily. You’ve found another person who thrives on his job and taking care of other people’s crises. Not my idea of fun.” He spread his hands wide. “You and Jean-Claude, well, that’s something else. I know I can’t compete with it.”
“It’s not a competition,” Nathaniel said.
“You don’t see it that way,” Jason said, “but I’m just dominant enough, and guy enough, to see it that way.”
“If any one of them saw it as a competition, it wouldn’t work,” I said.
“I know,” Jason said. He shook his head. “I’m going into the bathroom again, and this time I’m staying there until I’m called, or until I feel theardeur rise. You guys have fun. Sorry, if I flattened the mood.”
“My mood’s fine,” I said.
“Mine, too,” Nathaniel said.
Jason stared at us both. “Noardeur, and I’ve made you talk and think too hard, and you’re still okay with this?”
“Yes,” I said.
“Why?”
“Because a very wise and dear friend told me I was going to fuck this up, and I don’t want to do that.”
He smiled and his face softened. “If you do ever pick one of them to actually marry, and it’s Nathaniel, I get dibs on being best man.”
“I don’t think that’s going to come up,” I said, “but if it does, you’d be our first pick.”
“You didn’t ask Nathaniel,” he said.
“She didn’t have to,” Nathaniel said.
Jason walked toward the bathroom, shaking his head. “Too dominant by half.”
I called after him. “You know I have to be the better man in any relationship, Jason.” I meant it to be a joke.
He turned at the bathroom door, and said, “Fuck, Anita, you are the better man. Just because you don’t have the right equipment, doesn’t change what you are.” He closed the door behind him, firmly, until it clicked.
We were left alone in the bedroom. Nathaniel raised up and looked down at me. “You don’t have to finish tonight, Anita. Jason’s right, the way you touched me, I know if not this time, then next. The sooner you feed theardeur the better you’ll feel.”
I smiled at him, then unfolded my arms and slid my face down, until I was as far between his legs as I could get. He wasn’t as excited now, and the skin was loose. I licked that most delicate of skin and heard his breath go out in a long sigh. I drew the loose skin into my mouth, pulling it gently out and away from his body. The skin didn’t stay loose for long, and when it was tight and I could lick the balls inside that skin, I told him, “On all fours.”
He did it without being asked twice.
I drew his balls into my mouth, one at a time, carefully, so carefully. I rolled them in my mouth with tongue and lips, until they were wet and slick. I caught glimpses of the rest of him, just in front, but not all, and not well. I’d only seen him nude from the front three times. Once when I first met him, once when I made the triumvirate between him and Damian, and earlier in my office.
“Roll over,” I said, and he spilled himself over onto his back. He lay thick and quivering against his stomach, pointing like an exclamation mark against his own body. “I don’t remember you being this big the first time I saw you nude.”