Washington DC topped US cities with 97 percent of dollar bills found to contain cocaine. The cleanest bills were collected from Green Bay, Wisconsin.
Thong
A 19-year-old raped & strangled was found on the Texas side of the border nude except for her cotton & lycra thong.
Oddity: The murdered teen who customarily wore a g-string was wearing a v-string. [Definition: see Wiki.]
Moreover, according to her sister, the murdered teen’s g-string was “canary” whereas the v-string was “apricot.”
Asked how the case was progressing, the lead investigator lit a Marlboro and looked up with bloodshot eyes: “I don’t know shit about thongs, okay? Plus I’m colorblind. But I promise you this:
“We’re gonna fuck up the illegal alien that done her.”
Neutral
Cory Leigh Peppers has become the first human to be officially designated as gender not specified—neither male nor female.
Peppers, born male 48 years ago in Inverness, Scotland, became a female at age 29 after a sex change operation in Australia.
However, Peppers did not feel comfortable as a female and decided to separate from gender altogether, to become “neuter.”
Officials in New South Wales, Australia, have now altered Peppers’ birth certificate to specify the neutral gender.
Peppers has posted some details about his unprecedented reclassification on “Neuter Blog.”
Still to be formally addressed is the restroom question.
Define
A 17-year-old girl with munitions strapped to her body boards a crowded bus.
A squadron of jets consult their monitors as they bomb from above the cloud line.
One act we ritually define as “terrorism”; the other as righteous assault.
Who is doing the defining?
Whose purpose does the definition serve?
Swallow
An al-Qaeda suicide bomber blew himself up while severely wounding a Saudi prince in Jeddah.
The bombing left people wondering how one of the most wanted al-Qaeda operatives in Saudi Arabia could get so close to the royal head of counter-terrorism to explode himself and mutilate the prince.
The answer is the explosive was inside the bomber’s body; he swallowed it.
Western forensic experts are profoundly worried that this deadly new tactic will influence other terrorists; if so, it will render traditional airport security metal detectors obsolete.
The best near-term option might be redoubling the emphasis on racial profiling.
Sex Offenders
in Delaware have the letter “X” printed on their auto license.
In Louisiana, it’s SEX OFFENDER, in oversized orange letters.
Florida and Alabama use special license plates to identify SEX OFFENDERS.
Mississippi requires SEX OFFENDERS to register their address and have a new photo taken every 45 days.
Sex Offenders
“You say they served their time.
They still have their cojones, right?
Testicles, balls, whatever you want to call it.
You don’t want them living under the bridge.
Cool. Castrate them, strip them of their mojo.
Chemical castration — it ain’t even painful.
But those decisions are made in the political arena, okay?
As of now chemical castration is unlawful in the sovereign state of Florida.
Maybe your sex offenders should have stayed in prison.”
Watch two Florida State prison inmates sodomize then murder a convicted sex offender while a uniformed prison guard chewing a toothpick looks on. [Video]
Things to Do
Find work as a baggage handler for a major airliner.
Secretly rummage through lost or delayed luggage.
Collect female hair from brushes, combs, intimate wear.
Bag the hair in transparent plastic, label it.
Encode your fantasies of the hair-owner’s most intimate gestures on your smart phone.
Cancer
A growing number of cancer patients would rather be dead.
A poll of 2,900 patients found 13 % wanted to die straightaway — four times the general population.
It is normal to experience depression after a cancer diagnosis.
But for some patients depression becomes its own problem which leads to suicidal ideation.
Couch Potato
A supermarket bagger emerged as champion after seven male rivals gave in to sleep deprivation or nature’s call.
The bagger won the Ultimate Couch Potato Competition, 39 grueling hours of continuous sports viewing.
Eight participants in recliners sat in front of 16 42-inch high-def plasma TVs. They could order fast food and drinks, but no sleep or leaving their recliners except for restroom breaks every eight hours.
The bagger whose fave sport is mixed martial arts won when the runner-up, after having emitted foul, possibly toxic gas, stumbled to the toilet before the allotted break time.
A Hunting Dog
stepped on a shotgun lying on the ground wounding two hunters in a party of eight who were murdering geese on farmland.
One was treated for a knee wound; the other had buckshot in his buttocks.
The remaining members of the party refused to speak with authorities.
Jelly
A man who dove face-first into a venomous, thimble-sized jellyfish in the waters off northeast Australia is battling for his life.
He was on a yacht near South Molle Island wearing a full-length “stinger suit” that covers everything but his face and hands to help protect against venomous jellyfish. But when he dove into the water he was immediately stung in the face by the deadly Irukandji jellyfish.
The Irukandji’s sting produces in rapid succession: shooting pains in the neck, vomiting, a spike in blood pressure, heart failure.
Text mess from the yacht: Stung man is past tense.
Skinks
Feds apprehended a man who strapped 22 live lizards to his chest to get through customs at LAX.
The 39-year-old was returning from Australia when in a routine strip-down agents found four geckos, seven monitor lizards and 11 skinks fastened to his body.