Burly aides wrestled the knife away.
The inmate, who’d murdered his own mum, was judged unfit to stand trial for assaulting the Ripper.
Turnpike Turkey
A feral turkey running along the New Jersey Turnpike won’t have to dodge pre-Xmas traffic.
Fish and Wildlife officials netted the bird Tuesday.
The turkey had been trotting around toll booths at a turnpike interchange since Thanksgiving.
Toll collectors began putting road construction cones on their parked cars to prevent the turkey from jumping on them.
They named the turkey Tammy and videoed her on YouTube.
Officials decided to remove the turkey because of complaints from drivers.
Spokesperson: “Tammy will not be roasted and devoured. S/he will be habited in the Popcorn Zoo in Lacey Township.”
Romping
A hotel on Turkey’s picture postcard Mediterranean coast has fired all of its male employees for repeatedly sexing with foreign female guests, the majority of whom are British and Russian. The 36-room hotel now employs female staff exclusively.
“We were facing the same problem every year,” the manager explained. “The last straw was when I saw our bouncer, a family man, walk out of the men’s toilet with two Russian female tourists.”
“What were they doing in the men’s toilet?”
“Romping.”
Lured by its sandy beaches, turquoise waters, and ancient minarets, 23 million tourists visited Turkey last year.
Nuns on Bikes
Two Dutch nuns wearing habits & riding bikes chased a thief through Amsterdam.
On Saturday eve, one of the sisters thought she recognized a man as the thief who’d stolen 360 euros from the chapel two weeks before.
She asked a fellow nun to alert police, then invited the thief inside for a glass of Dutch gin. The man, suspicious, downed the gin, then fled the chapel, snatching a bike from a passer-by.
The nuns mounted their bikes & gave chase. They nearly nailed him, but he managed to escape into the labyrinthine Red Light district.
Guinness
An 18-year-old girl suffering from a psychological condition ate her hair, forming a massive hairball in her stomach.
The teenager went to her doctor after complaining of stomach pains & vomiting. She’d lost 23 pounds over a five-month period & had a large bald spot on the left side of her scalp.
Doctors carried out a scan & were astonished to find a huge mass of hair blocking her stomach; they removed the enormous hairball by surgery.
The hairball measured 15 inches by 7 inches, just one-eighth of an inch short of equaling the Guinness World Record.
Guinness
A 29-year-old paramedic from Atlantic City set a Guinness Book of World Records mark that may never be surpassed.
Struck in 2003 by a car traveling 90 mph while assisting accident victims along an Interstate, he was flung 139-and-a-quarter feet, setting the record for “Greatest Distance Flung in a Car Accident.”
He suffered a broken jaw, neck, back, pelvis, and tailbone, spent four months in the hospital, six months in rehab, and will be disabled for life.
His ER physician submitted paperwork for the record, which Guinness officially recognized in 2007 and cited in its 2013 edition.
Hot Sauce
A posse of Tampa cons is offering a taste of what jail is like.
No locks, bars, shackles, anal rape. .
None of that.
But you’ll need a brave stomach to swallow even a dash of their “Jailhouse Fire Hot Sauce.”
Minimum-security Hillsborough County Jail inmates offer their sauce in “Original,” “Smoke” and “No Exit” varieties, all made from jail-grown chili peppers.
They came up with the recipe and started selling it on eBay in 2009.
Since then, they’ve made $10,000 in profit. Each bottle costs $7.
The profits go to the prison to purchase “basic supplies.”
Marcel
was adopted as a “therapy cat” at a nursing home for the elderly.
When Marcel was five months old the staff noticed he would curl up with patients about to die.
In one instance preparation was made for the death of one patient but Marcel chose the bed of another; the person he lay with died first, taking staff by surprise.
About Marcel’s uncanniness: one theory is he is responding to a pheromone inaccessible to humans. So far he has accurately “predicted” 79-and-a-half deaths.
Marcel remains unchanged by his celebrity, spending most of his day snoozing / snorting catnip.
DIY
When Wu broke his left leg in an industrial accident 10 months ago, surgeons implanted a steel plate in his leg.
This year at his medical check-up Wu’s leg seemed to have healed enough to remove the plate. But he refused the procedure because of the expense.
Instead, inspired by an American movie in which one of the characters successfully operates on himself, Wu used a kitchen knife, a screwdriver, pliers, and cheap liquor to remove the plate in his leg.
Snake eyes. He ended up back in the hospital where his leg was amputated above the thigh.
Futurismo
In the Thirties, the Russian-born philosopher Alexandre Kojève taught a seminar on Hegel. He explained how Hegel’s discovery of the motor of history — the struggle for equal recognition among individuals — led to the discovery that history was about to end in what Kojève called a “homogenous universal state.”
This state would be a set of global administrative and economic institutions run by technically competent technocrats free from traditional politics.
At the social level it would mean the disappearance of most of the human characteristics that drove history in favor of the cultivation of consumption, erotic satisfaction, sports, and virtual entertainments.
Brainwave
A “Tantric master” broke his own world record by standing engulfed in ice for 72 minutes.
Moses Moon, 48, stood on a Manhattan street in a clear container filled with ice for an hour and 12 minutes.
Moon controls his body temperature through Tantric meditation, a spiritual discipline associated with Buddhism.
Moon previously set the world record for full body ice contact endurance in 2004, when he immersed himself in ice for an hour and 11 minutes.
Moon’s feat kicked off BRAINWAVE, a month-long series of spectacles in New York exploring how art, music and meditation affect the brain.