Only thing I’ve signed up for online is free porn.
I always carry at least one condom in my wallet but still worry about infection.
I’ll sign up for anything. If someone cops my identity, I’ll cop someone else’s.
Pricked
He pricked her twice with the sewing needle while she slept.
She discovered a sting-like mark on her left thigh.
Later she saw him in the garage with a syringe full of blood.
In September, she found she was HIV-positive.
Police charged the offending male 43 days later.
Brit Love
The chance of finding the perfect partner in Britain is almost nil.
I am a professional pale male, nationality British, aged 33. Statistically, there are 26 females in London with whom I might have a comparatively smart & sexy relationship. Translation: On a given night out in London there is a 0.0000034 percent chance of meeting a special female. That’s 1 in 285,000.
Select one of the following:
The stats may sound depressing to people looking for love, but the so-so good news is it’s probably not your fault.
Lousy odds, but who said being British was easy.
High Low
At 3 PM, the Swiss climber Jean-Pierre Culotte, “elated, exultant,” stood on the roof of the world in bright sunlight gazing down at the Himalayas.
Now Mount Everest is his grave, because minutes later he suddenly went blind, had to be abandoned, perished from the cold.
Spelunk
The Utah cave where a medical student suffocated to death last week will be closed and his body will stay put.
The announcement said it was too dangerous to try to recover the spelunker’s body.
He died hours after getting wedged into an unmapped passage of Nutty Putty Cave.
Claustro
No spelunking in Katmandu
No descent into Les Catacombes de Paris
No corporate building elevator on weekends
No cramped basement toilet in Marseilles
No swimming underwater in the echoing indoor pool
No scuba-doo in Quintana Roo
No Poe tales of interment
No sexy choking games such as upper caste Brits play
No entering the commercial aircraft until the air conditioning is on
No MRI tube
No execution by hanging
No Peter Greenaway films
No confinement in “black” rendition camps
No drinking alone after midnight
No being stuck in a nun’s habit in a Bunuel satire
No confessional box, Father
Lonely People
Loneliness is contagious, reports a US research team.
It spreads among people & females are especially vulnerable.
Lonely people transmit their lonely feelings to others.
Societies develop a natural tendency to shed lonely people; this was confirmed in lab tests on gerbils.
These shedding effects mean that our social fabric can fray at the edges like a loose yarn at the end of a crocheted sweater.
Because loneliness is associated with mental and physical diseases that shorten life, it is crucial that we help those affected with loneliness before they wrench away from us, out of sight.
Gluteoplasty
A former Miss Brazil, 36, died while undergoing cosmetic surgery on her buttocks.
Friend: “The procedure involved injections and the liquid went to her lungs and brain. A woman with everything died for a firmer behind.”
Surgeon: “She arrived with acute respiratory deficiency. Her degraded condition enabled the embolism.”
Vodka
Male swallows a liter of top-shelf vodka rather than surrender it to airport personnel (who themselves would drink it after hours).
New regulations designed to obstruct terrorism (which the “First World” itself provoked) prohibit passengers from carrying quantities of liquid onto aircraft. (Does that apply equally to first- and biz-class passengers?)
Informed at a security check that he would have to relinquish the vodka or pay a hefty fee to have his carry-on bag checked as cargo, the male opened the bottle, chugged the liquor down on the spot, passed out, died.
Unofficial cause of death: global nausea.
Overdue Blake
A librarian reported that two volumes of William Blake’s “prophetic books” were returned after 55 years along with a $1,800 check.
The Blakes were borrowed in November 1959.
The human who sent the check requested anonymity.
The librarian said the overdue Blakes would be replaced on the shelves straightaway.
Einstein
suffered from Asperger’s Syndrome.
As a child, he repeated words obsessively.
As an adult, he made friends, had affairs, spoke out on political issues.
Passion, genius, and standing up for justice are compatible with Asperger’s.
What sufferers fail at utterly is narrow functionality in or out of the work-place.
Tiresias
You’re an old blind guy with titties. What are you doing outside Kentucky Fried Chicken?
Prophesizing.
Kool. What’s going to happen to me tomorrow?
You will get into a violent quarrel with a noble stranger at a crossroads. You will kill him. That same day you will marry a high-born woman your mother’s age. .
I’ve always gravitated to older women. I hope it’s not because I’m secretly queer. Will we live happily ever after?
Parricide, incest, pestilence, self mutilation, unremitting self-loathing, solitary exile. .
You say exile. Will that mean no online access?
Dostoyevsky
For several seconds I experience a joy impossible to describe — an absolute harmony with the world. For those seconds of bliss one would exchange all of life.
You so-called healthy people have no idea what joy is. That joy we epileptics experience for an instant before we seize.
Cezanne
Underestimated while alive, he compels himself to believe that “innocence” alone will possess clear eyes.
While Cezanne and his apprentice are painting in natural surroundings, a child pulls away from her mother and father to approach the painters.