Immediately she points to the apprentice’s canvas, exclaiming: “Mama, this one!”
My Erection
is provisioned with every appliance of pleasure.
Hyper-advanced technology thin as your fingernail.
Psychotropic agents to zoom/vroom/sex/sext.
Exercise emporia headlining steroidal trainers.
Salon baths.
Dancers, acrobats, naked jugglers.
Che-sized cigars from US-embargoed Cuba.
My erection will defy the pestilence.
Let the external world suffocate on its own vomit.
Urinal
A 78-year-old Frenchman was detained after assaulting a plain porcelain urinal with a hammer.
Called “Fountain,” the urinal, a replica of Marcel Duchamp’s 1917 original, was on display at the Pompidou Centre in Paris.
Police said the man had urinated on the same object at an exhibition in Nimes in 2010.
Duchamp initially rescued the urinal from the trash on a Paris suburb street, added the signature “R Mutt” and displayed it in an exhibition.
Its estimated worth is 18 million euros.
The assailant claimed his hammer attack and urination constituted a “Dadaist intervention” that Duchamp would have appreciated.
Peeing for Distance
Eleven private security guards attached to the US embassy in Kabul have been sacked over claims they took part in drunken orgies and lewd bullying rituals.
The Project on Government Oversight, a watchdog group, reported that guards brawled, held peeing-for-distance competitions, and drank vodka from each other’s buttocks.
Toilet Seat
A woman sat on a toilet for so long that the seat adhered to her flesh.
Her live-in boyfriend finally contacted the sheriff who arrived with 2 deputies (all three had shaved heads) and found the woman physically stuck to the toilet.
Evidently she’d refused to come out of the bathroom for 2 years, and had been sitting on the toilet continuously for 8-and-a-half months.
She has been placed under the protection of the state.
Her boyfriend, meanwhile, has been detained on an unrelated charge of lewd and lascivious behavior for exposing himself to an adolescent neighbor.
Naruto
A 10-year-old boy died a day after playmates buried him.
Cody asked his friends to bury his head in a sandbox to mimic the cartoon character “Naruto,” an aspiring ninja who plays pranks & hides by burying himself then breathing through a tube.
Cody was uncovered when his playmates realized he had stopped breathing.
The five playmates, interviewed separately under oath, told the Snohomish County Sheriff’s Office that Cody’s burial idea came from the cartoon.
Naruto is “insanely popular right now with boys about 8 to 15,” said a source, who publishes a blog on video games & animation.
Lolita
A retail store chain in Britain has withdrawn the sale of beds named Lolita, designed for little girls, after furious parents insisted the name was synonymous with sexually active pre-teens.
“Lolita” is a 1955 novel by the Russian Nabokov in which the narrator seduces his 12-year-old stepdaughter.
Staff who administer the website selling the beds never heard of the classic novel, hence saw nothing wrong with advertising the
Lolita Midsleeper Combi — a whitewashed wooden bed with pull-out potty designed for girls aged 5 & 6.
Until a quasi-literate mom raised holy hell on a parenting website.
Stink Bomb
A Colorado mom with a nose for trouble marched her son into the principal’s office claiming he planned to set off a stink bomb.
As a consequence, Frederick High School was briefly evacuated on Thursday.
No bomb actually went off but police officers found a bag the boy left containing baking soda, flour, sugar and salt.
Evidently, the concoction would have to be set on fire to produce fumes.
Nor was it clear they’d be noxious.
How the boy is punished has yet to be decided.
Frederick is a town of 8,200 about 27 miles north of Denver.
Pet Girl
A British bus company apologized to a girl who is led around on a silver leash by her boyfriend after one of its drivers allegedly said:
“We don’t let freaks and dogs ride,” and threw her off the bus.
Dressed in Goth-style clothing with a silver neckband attached to a long silver lead, the girl, 18, said she was the “pet” of her 25-year-old fiancé.
“I don’t cook, I don’t clean, I don’t do anything or go anywhere without my master. To you it’s strange but it’s my culture and my choice. It isn’t hurting anyone.”
Freely
Dutch social workers have taken legal action to stop a 13-year-old girl from sailing around the world on her own.
They insist Mina Jansen be made a ward of the court so that her parents, who support her plan, forfeit the right to make her decisions.
Mina’s father, Pym Jansen, requested that Mina miss two years of school; the request was turned down.
Mina had a seaworthy sailboat by age six and was sailing solo when she was 10.
Since a child, I wanted to sail around the world, she told Dutch TV.
I want to live freely.
She (2)
At the Sololá market she bought a Bat Clan jacket woven out of sheep wool by the Cakchikel Indians.
She washed her hair in the volcanic lake.
She ate tortillas, chiles, and roasted corn in a restaurant then rented a room above the restaurant.
She sat on the old wood floor of the small room and listened to the night sounds. Laments of drunken men and drunken boys. Crickets sawing. Faint whistlings of a poorwill.
She smoked a cigarette.
She shared her narrow bed with fleas.
The next morning she rode a bus farther into the mountains.
*
That afternoon she drank beer in the dusty cantina outside Sololá.
She and 14 Ladino men.
Sentimental music from an old juke.
The men stared at her. One asked her to dance.
In the confined space she danced with the man whose head came to her shoulders.
Another asked her to dance and she danced with him.
When a third man asked her to dance she said, No. Horita me voy.
Two men, drunk, followed her outside, knocked her down, dragged her behind the cantina, brutally raped her.
You expected something like that so I provided it. It didn’t happen.