Abduct
Q abducted her ex-lover’s boyfriend after the ex-lover, G, had left Q for the male.
Q, 27, kidnapped Peng, 26, then asked her ex-lover, G, 23, to pay a ransom of 800,000 yuan.
G had been Q’s girlfriend but quit Q and began to date Peng.
A Pascagoula
Mississippi man thought he was at his girlfriend’s place when he stumbled drunkenly into a couple’s apt and fell asleep on their couch.
Returning from bingo, the couple found the stranger snoring on their couch.
They told him get out and he drove off in a rusty yellow Silverado.
Burn
A 14-year-old student set himself on fire on a Nagoya street in an apparent suicide early Friday.
The Aichi Prefectural Police received an emergency call from a passerby at 2:17 a.m. reporting “what looks like a human on fire.”
Police later identified the immolated boy as a third-year student at Fujimori Junior High School, in Nagoya.
His name was not disclosed.
An orange and green backpack bearing the boy’s name was found nearby with a lighter, tissue paper, a plastic bottle smelling of kerosene.
The incident occurred 4 km from the boy’s home.
There was no suicide note.
A Young Man
distraught after breaking up with his girlfriend hanged himself while she watched over a Webcam.
Fastening a rope over a ceiling hook he whispered, “I love you, babe.”
The horrified girl phoned police to stop him. They arrived too late.
The couple split 8-and-a-half months before.
Slimed
How did he exit?
12-gauge.
Males shoot themselves or hang.
Jump from the Golden Gate Bridge.
Females overdose.
His book, a slim volume, was published at last.
It failed.
Reviewers chastised the author for displaying excessive feeling.
“Like a woman.”
Sliming over his grief with their low understanding.
Tarantula
The owner of a spider had no idea his pet was the problem when he came to an eye clinic for treatment.
When the doctor told him she saw tiny hairs sticking out of his eyeball he remembered cleaning the terrarium of his Chilean Rose tarantula.
While his attention was briefly focused elsewhere, he sensed movement in the terrarium.
The tarantula had released a mist of hairs which brushed his eyes and face.
The hairs have multiple barbs encouraging them to migrate through the eye tissue to various depths.
Black Widow
refers to the assumption that female freedom fighters — Putin’s Russia calls them terrorists — are Muslim suicide bombers bent on avenging relatives murdered in Russia’s ongoing assault against Islamic separatists in the Caucasus region.
One of the Black Widows’ earliest interventions in non-Muslim Russia, was the 2002 mass hostage-taking at a Moscow theater by 41 Chechen separatists—23 were women.
Russian forces struck, pumped narcotic gas into the theater, killing all the attackers as well as 218 hostages.
Police footage showed Black Widows dead in the theater seats with explosives attached to their bodies.
The footage was later exposed as manipulated.
Queef
Julia queefed while I was doing her with my tongue & it startled the shit out of me.
I dove back in.
I soon learned that queefs were Julia’s body’s way of broadcasting how much she loved me.
Correction: Broadcasting how much she loved how I was loving her.
Anonymous
I hope to fuck I never become allergic to neoprene cuz I wear a neoprene cockring & nut stretchers almost everyday.
The feeling you have around your cock and nutz is so natural.
I have different sizes for day wear & fucking.
Too bad they don’t sell the extra wide version anymore — here’s the true pig coming out in me: I fucking love the smell after a few nights of fucking with that wide puppy.
Oh yeah, I’m a college student & wear it to class.
I sit through 3 hours of boring lectures & not once does it pinch.
Correspondences
Indeed, the G-spot corresponds to the upper palate; I’m gratified that has finally been revealed. So too does the left eyeball correspond to the anus; even as the middle knuckle on the left hand corresponds to the lingam. Blowing your nose has a secret affinity with orgasm, male and female; and if you undergo a rhinoplasty, which has become fashionable in our global village, your orgasm potential will gradually alter until aligned with your new nose. If you belch more than twice before sex be prepared to queef during sex.
Truly, Homo sapiens is a marvel of symmetry.
Hitler Fart
To combat his chronic flatulence, Hitler ingested massive amounts of a drug containing the rat poison strychnine.
His physicians worried that he was poisoning himself by degree.
Nor did the drug alleviate his gas.
It turns out now that eBay is auctioning an “authentic Hitler fart” reportedly bottled and sealed by a Hauptsturmführer insider and secret Hitler adversary.
It is speculated that the Hauptsturmführer sold other Hitler farts at the time to finance his opium habit.
But at least one has been preserved all these years in a Berlin cellar.
Prices on eBay commence at a million-and-a-half euros.
Mafia Croc
Italian police have seized a crocodile they believe was used by a mafia boss to terrorize shop-owners into paying protection money.
The crocodile, 6 feet long and 93 pounds, was found during a search of the man’s home in the southern town of Caserta, where the Camorra branch of the Naples mafia is active.
The croc was kept on the terrace and fed live rats and rabbits in full view of neighboring homes.
The mafia suspect, name withheld, was charged with illegal animal possession.
The crocodile, named Berlu, has been sent to a reptile rehabilitation center in Sardinia.
Pig Spleen
A Nebraska farmer peers at pig spleens and forecasts the weather.