He wanted to believe that. He did. “I’m so tired, Kody,” he breathed. “It just keeps coming with no let-up. Everything I do is wrong. Everything I touch turns to crap, and I’m sick to death of being blamed for things I haven’t done.”
“That’s the interloper talking, not you. I know my Nick. My Nick is strong.”
He licked his lips as his pain intensified. “If I live, you or my mother will die. What’s the point?”
“What’s the point?” she asked incredulously. “The point is to savor and treasure every moment, every breath. They are precious because they are limited. Nothing in abundance is ever held dear. It’s cast off without any thought whatsoever. But happiness, victory, and life are sacred because they are fleeting and stingily measured.”
“And the pain is never-ending.” Talk about abundance. It was shoveled at him so fast, he was buried in it.
“Not true and you know it. Pain is even more fleeting than the other emotions. Yes, it stays for awhile sometimes, but it always goes eventually. Always. Do you remember what you told Brynna when you stopped her from killing herself?”
“That I wore tacky shirts?”
Smiling, she shook her head at him. “The rest of it?”
“Vaguely.”
“You said, I know you’re hurting. Believe me, I know how it feels to get your emotional teeth kicked down your throat so far that it makes you choke on the last shred of your dignity. That sick feeling in your gut that tells you, you can’t take it anymore. That life sucks hard and it won’t ever get better. That you’re walking on the tightrope, trying to hang on with your toes ’cause you ain’t got no safety net, and you’re barely one sneeze away from being a stain on the floor. But you’re not alone. You’re not. You’ve got a lot of people who care about you. People who love you and who would be devastated if something ever happened to you.’”
“People who will die if I live,” Nick reminded her.
“And do you really think we wouldn’t be every bit as devastated if we lost you?”
No, he hadn’t thought about that at all.
“There’s always another side to everything, Nick. Two perspectives on all things. No two memories of any event are ever the same. They’re all sifted through our emotional channels, which run deep, and they color every input into our brain. How many times have you argued with someone over a past event where they claim one thing happened, but you don’t remember it that way?”
All the time. “But—”
She placed her hand over his lips to keep him from speaking. “Do you know what suicide is?”
“Yeah, death.”
She shook her head. “It’s the ultimate act of selfishness. Yes, death is painful for those who live on. Losing someone burns so deep that it never stops. Time doesn’t heal it, it just dulls it for a little while. Believe me, I know. Unlike you, I have lost those I love. And I grieve every day of my life that I can’t get ahold of them. That I can’t hear their voices or see their faces. I would give anything I have, my soul, my life, if I could just hug them one more time and tell them that I love them. And how much I miss them. But again, it’s because our time together is so fleeting and limited that it teaches us to savor every smile they give us. And having lived through their deaths, I can tell you this. I love them too much to make them suffer the way I have over their loss. I would rather say good-bye to them first than have them alive for years, aching for me the way I grieve for them. What do you think your mother would do if something happened to you?”
“She’d follow me to the grave.” How many times had she told him that? If anything ever happened to you, they’d have to dig two graves. I couldn’t live if I lost you.
“I have buried everyone I love, Nick. Please, don’t be so cruel as to make me bury you, too.” Tears glistened in her eyes. “I can’t do it again, Nick. I can’t. And I would rather give my life for you than have you give yours for me.”
He covered her hand with his and savored the warmth of her touch and the words that branded themselves in his heart.
Nekoda tightened her grip on him. “If you doubt anything I say, ask Dr. Burdette why she’s in New Orleans. Why she comes here every year at this time.”
He frowned at her words. “Why?”
“Day after tomorrow is the anniversary of the death of Bubba’s wife and son. And yesterday was the anniversary of the death of his best friend. Dr. Burdette’s here because she’s terrified that even all these years later, Bubba will kill himself to get away from the pain of losing the three of them.”
“When did they die?”
“His wife and son, twelve years ago when his son was only two.”
Nick’s heart ached as he realized that Bubba’s son would have gone to school with him. They were almost the same age.
Kody nodded as she read his thoughts. “It’s why Bubba all but adopted you when you met. His son had dark hair and blue eyes.”
Just like him.
“And it’s why he and Mark are such good friends.”
Nick scowled at that. “I don’t understand.”
“Mark’s older brother was Bubba’s best friend. In college they went out like millions of others their age. They’d won a championship bowl game and had wanted to celebrate. Bubba had too much to drink so Mark’s brother drove Bubba’s truck that night. On their way back to the dorm, for reasons no one knows, their pickup left the road and overturned. Bubba was thrown from the passenger side, but Mark’s brother was pinned underneath the truck. Had Bubba not been drunk and passed out, he could have gotten help before his friend died. Instead, Mark’s brother bled to death before another car spotted them and notified the authorities. Bubba has never forgiven himself.”
That one bit explained so much about Bubba’s idiosyncrasies. The poor man. And yet, Nick had known Bubba all this time, and he’d never had a clue about any of that. “Is that why he didn’t go pro?”
“In part. He also didn’t want to raise his son in that kind of lifestyle. Because he’d already lost his best friend, he didn’t want to waste even a second of his time with his wife and child. He wanted a job that would have him home with them every night.”
And still he’d lost them. It was so not right.
“But you see how our tragedies interconnect and shape us? Bubba wouldn’t have had all the time he did have with his wife and son had he not lost his best friend.”
Nick saw it, even though he didn’t like it. “And he wouldn’t teach self-defense courses if his wife hadn’t died.”
Kody nodded. “People aren’t just ants rushing around over a crust of bread. Every life, no matter how isolated, touches hundreds of others. It’s up to us to decide if those micro connections are positive or negative. But whichever we decide, it does impact the ones we deal with. One word can give someone the strength they needed at that moment or it can shred them down to nothing. A single smile can turn a bad moment good. And one wrong outburst or word could be the tiny push that causes someone to slip over the edge into destruction.”