“She’s missing, darlin’.” I had anticipated the worst, knowing she wouldn’t just up and leave like she did, but I wasn’t expecting the ferocity of guilt and how it almost blinds me.
“She’s dead.”
“You don’t know that. For all we know, she’s gone into hiding.”
I know it’s more than that. Deep down I know. Regret washes over me. How I wish I could go back and take a different path, a path that includes taking Heidi with me all those months ago.
“She wouldn’t just leave like this, Beau. You and I both know this. Stop giving me false hope. Be realistic here.”
“I’m not giving you false hope, darlin’. I refuse to give up. We’re gonna keep looking.” He pushes off the doorframe, takes two steps toward me, and reaches for my hand. Instead of flinching like I normally would, I let him take it, let him soothe the raging storm brewing inside me.
I believe him when he says he won’t give up, but I also know Chad. Know what he was capable of. If Heidi is missing, I know with everything inside of me, Chad is responsible.
We stand deep in silence, my mind fighting with my body on how to processes it, until Beau whispers, “Come back to me, darlin’.” His words are the resuscitation I need to finally let my body gasp for much-needed air.
“I’m here.”
“You’re not,” he argues, but he’s wrong. Two weeks ago, the news of Heidi being missing would have sent me into a full-blown breakdown. This reaction is me processing. I’m not saying every part of me doesn’t want to break, or retreat into myself, I just don’t want to show Beau that kind of weakness.
“I’m here as much as you.” I drop his hand and let out a breath. “Now, how about that lunch?”
“Don’t put a mask on with me, Kenz. I’m not saying you can’t feel, just don’t give up hope.” I don’t reply right away. The fact he just called me out shocks me. That’s one thing I respect about Beau. He doesn’t let me play my bullshit.
“You’re right. Every part of me wants to lie down right now in defeat. But that’s not fair to Heidi.” I give him the truth. Until we know for sure, I’m going to stay positive.
“It’s not fair to you,” he corrects me.
“Yeah, well, I don’t care about me.”
“Well, I do.” His wide eyes reflect his conviction, and his hand tightening in mine proves he won’t be convinced otherwise. For a millisecond, I let it pull me to him. It’s been so long since I’ve willingly let someone care. I don’t know what it is between Beau and I. This tension has been growing rapidly from day one, and every time he’s close, my body reacts.
Which is crazy considering I haven’t been with anyone since Chad.
“Well, someone should.” I laugh to hide my unease. “Come on, I really am hungry.” Beau doesn’t say anything, he just steps back to let me pass. My arm brushes against his hard chest as I pass him. “What would you like to eat?” I ignore the flutter in my stomach as I look up at him. He’s so tall and broad. The top of my head barely hits his shoulder and standing in front of him, my insides grow unpleasantly warm realizing he could probably do some serious damage with his arms.
No, he’s not Chad.
“I’ll make something.” His short monotone voice makes me cringe only for a second before I relax. I’m starting to learn it’s Beau’s way. In the beginning, it rubbed me wrong, taking me back to when Chad was angry with me, and no matter what I would try to do to fix the situation, he would still lash out in a cruel way. Beau is different though. He might be short with his answers, and sometimes he might come across as harsh, but there is nothing cruel about him.
“I can cook, Beau. I don’t know what the problem is.” I roll my eyes. I’m actually a good cook. I bake and love to try new recipes. I’m just not good with eggs, apparently.
“You roll your eyes at me again, we’re going to have other problems, darlin’.” His hot breath hits me first, then the slight tickle of his beard before the words wash over me.
I freeze instantly. The pressure of his hard chest pushing me against the wall suspends me from the present to the past.
I know Beau wouldn’t hurt me, know it with every fiber of my being, but it doesn’t stop my body from reacting.
“Step back,” I manage past my dry cottonmouth. My stomach turns as the memory grows stronger. My heart heaves in my chest.
He doesn’t argue, his weight is off me in one second. But it’s too late. I’m spiraling head first back into the past.
Past Mackenzie
“I’m sorry, baby, see what you do to me? You make me crazy. I love you so much it drives me insane.” The stars dancing in front of my eyes still linger, but I manage to find my bearings.
It’s happening all over again.
“You mean everything to me, Mackenzie. Seeing you taunt me like that is too much for me. You can’t speak to me like that and not expect me to react.” He continues to excuse his behavior and push the blame onto me, but I don’t have it in me to listen this time. It’s going to be the same old story. Only I already know the ending.
Ignoring his apology, I start to shift from my position on the tiled floor and attempt to stand on my feet. I was cleaning the kitchen after our guests had left¸ right before Chad came at me with his fist.
“Here let me help you.” He reaches for me, but a panicked plea leaves my mouth before I can stop myself.
“NO!”
He recoils at the level of my voice and I take the brief moment to find my feet on my own.
“You can’t be angry at me, Mackenzie. You deliberately provoked me.” I slowly and painfully turn back to face him and finally see what I have been missing since the night he changed. The man is crazy. He’s not going to change. Tonight proves it.
“Provoked you, Chad?” I shake my head of thoughts of our beginning and contemplate how we’re going to end.
“Don’t fucking act dumb. It doesn’t suit you, sweetheart.” Forcing a breath into my lungs, I take a minute and try to figure out how to play this.
“I’m dumb all right, Chad. Dumb to think you would change.” With false bravado, I move to our bedroom. Each small step burns my innards like boiling water.
“Where the fuck do you think you’re going?” Fingers wrap around my forearm, stopping me before I can run away.
“Take your hands off me.” The shriek in my voice echoes off the high walls of our house, but he doesn’t react, his hold staying firm.
“You’re not fucking going anywhere. You’re my wife.” The vein in his temple bulges as his grip grows stronger. His alcohol-laced breath hits my face and I force myself not to breathe in the offensive smell.
“You don’t beat your wife, Chad.” I tug harder, desperate to be out of his hold.
“Maybe if you weren’t acting like a whore all night, I wouldn’t fucking have to.”
I know arguing with him right now isn’t going to help me. He’s drunk, angry, and he’s already hit me, but I can’t help it. The fact he’s calling me a whore hurts more than the fist to the face.
“Whore? Tell me how I was a whore?”
“You don’t think I saw the looks you kept throwing the asshole. The smiles, the way you fucking let him kiss you goodbye.” He pulls me to his chest.
“You’re fucking crazy.” I fight his hold. The man has lost his damn mind. I was only playing the part he has drilled into me since becoming his wife.
“Yeah, crazy for you, baby.” His nose comes to my hairline and he breathes me in. I keep fighting, even though I know it’s pointless. He’s too strong.
“I’m leaving, Chad. We’re done. You promised, and I believed you. I trusted you wouldn’t put your hands on me again.”
“You’re not going anywhere, Mackenzie.” He spins us in one fast movement and pushes me against the wall. Air leaves my lungs in a rapid surge at the force of the impact. He steps in closer, one hand leaving my arm and moving lower, slipping past the hemline of my shift dress. Chad starts to glide it up the outside of my thigh. I fight the tears threatening to fall. It shouldn’t be like this. I know that. But the most terrifying thing is, I don’t think Chad knows it. To him, there are no boundaries or lines that shouldn’t be crossed.