“You’re right, and she would want us to go ahead. Kelly would want us to help as many people as we can. You know this.”
She doesn’t come back with anything; instead, she lies back down and settles underneath the covers. She knows I’m right, knows this is what Kelly would want. Pushing back the opening isn’t helping anyone.
“I’m sorry, darlin’. I know you wanted to wait. But we have a lot of people expecting to start work, plus all the women we had coming in.”
“No, I get it. You’re right. She would want it to go ahead.” She slightly rolls to the middle of the bed, facing me and I turn to face her. I can barely make out her features in the dark, but I can see her eyes are open and looking into mine.
“I’m sorry, Beau. I didn’t mean to pull away,” she whispers after a few minutes of silence.
“Nothing to be sorry for. I understand why you have, but darlin’, it’s gotta stop. I’ve given you time, and I’ve let you try to work this out on your own, but I’m done waiting.” Her hand finds mine under the blanket and I greedily take it, threading my fingers through hers.
“The guilt, it’s just eating me, Beau. Because of me, she’s in that hospital bed.”
“You can’t let this guilt win, Kenz. You need to fight it before it controls you. Fuck, trust me. If anyone knows, it’s me.” I roll in closer to her. If I could just fall into her to make her see, I would.
“How do you know, Beau? How do you know what this feels like? I can’t just stop feeling this. First it was Chad. Then Heidi, because we both know she’s not coming back, and now Kelly.” The desperation in her voice almost makes me lie and tell her one day it will go away, one day it will stop hurting, but I don’t because it doesn’t.
“I know because every time I help a woman in a dangerous situation I see Missy’s face.” I try to give her something to hold on to. Something I haven’t given anyone before. “I’m reminded of that look of fear, the look of defeat, and then I’m reminded I couldn’t save her. I help these women every fucking day, Kenz, yet all I see is Missy. I see my failures. My regret. My guilt.” She stills as I shift my body back, angling to face the ceiling.
“It took me two years to realize something was wrong. For two fucking years I didn’t see it. I don’t know if it’s because I was selfish, lost in my own fucking head, or if I just didn’t want to see it, but I missed the signs. The turtlenecks she would wear in the summer. How she all of a sudden became clumsy. Fuck, even the way the light in her eyes just dwindled away. Two years, I was blind. How’s that for guilt?”
“You can’t blame yourself, Beau.” Kenzie finally speaks up, resting her hand on my bare chest. “You didn’t bring him into her life.”
“No, I did worse. I didn’t save her. Instead of protecting her, or insisting she leave him. I drove to his work and roughed him up. Took Nix with me and beat his ass. Told him to pack a bag and fuck off. But he didn’t. He was pissed and didn’t take too kindly to Missy telling me. She was dead the next day.”
“Oh, God, Beau. That’s not your fault.” She sits up and flicks the lamp on, bathing the room in orange light.
“No? Whose fault is it then?” I put it back on her. She’s no more to blame for Kelly than I am for Missy, but it doesn’t stop the guilt from being fed.
“His. He took her life. Not you.” Her eyes are red from crying and I’m a complete ass for putting this shit on her, but I can’t sit back and watch her travel down the same path as me.
“And you didn’t put Kelly in the hospital, darlin’.” Her shoulders sag in defeat when she understands what I’m getting at. “I know you want to blame yourself, but you have to fight it. There are always going to be moments in my day where I beat myself up over it. I was her big brother. I was meant to look after her and protect her. I can still see my mom falling to the floor when I had to tell her Missy was gone. I can still feel both of my parents pull away from me, from each other. I didn’t just lose Missy, Kenz. I lost my family. But I can’t change any of it. I can’t go back and save Missy. I can only do what I can now.”
“That’s why you started helping women? Started Missy’s Place?” she whispers, finally getting it.
“Yeah, darlin’. But it took me a long time to get here. Like you, I let it control me, but you don’t have to. You have all these people giving you grace and you’re pushing it away.”
“But how do I accept it when I don’t think I deserve it?”
“I learned a long time ago it doesn’t matter what you think you deserve. You can’t give yourself grace. You have to allow others to give it to you. No one blames you. Yes, this is a fucked-up situation. Yes, Kelly is still in a coma, but she’s not dead. You have to stay positive.” I reach forward and wipe her face. “You have to have hope. Fight for her. Fight for yourself. Don’t give up now, not when it matters the most.” Her tears are falling hard and fast now, but I don’t care. She needs to feel how real this is.
“You’re right, oh, God.” She buries her head into my chest. “I’ve just been so buried under this guilt, I haven’t seen anything around me. I’ve been selfish when I should’ve been fighting.”
“You’re the least selfish person I know, darlin’.” I hold her tightly against me, wishing she wouldn’t be so hard on herself.
“I can’t even stand myself right now, how can you?” She sniffles, her hot tears roll down my skin.
“Because the bitterness I’ve been carrying from Missy’s death doesn’t taste so sour in my mouth when you’re around. You changed me. You made me see everything differently. The way you think I’m seeing you right now, is so far from the truth. If I need to light one thousand candles for you to see yourself the way I do, then I will.”
“I don’t know what I did to deserve you.” She lets out a shaky breath, while wiping her face.
“Been asking myself the same question until I realized I don’t think I do deserve you. So I stopped asking myself and started loving you.” She looks up giving me one of her smiles. Only this time, I believe it all the way to my bones.
It’s the most beautiful smile she’s ever given me, because it means I haven’t lost her. She is still there. She’s fighting it, and that’s all I need. I can do the rest.
And I will.
I’ll do anything for this woman.
“How you doing, brother?” I ask Brooks a couple of days later on one of my daily visits to the hospital. His face is drawn downward and his beard is unkempt. He’s wearing clean clothes only because the girls have been bringing him some in, and he doesn’t look like skin and bones because the hospital has been feeding him, but besides that, the man is falling apart and I can’t blame him. I don’t know how I’d be coping if Kenz was lying in that hospital bed.
“She just needs to fucking wake up. Everything will be okay if she just woke up.” He drops his hand from Kelly’s and rests his elbows on her bed. I look over Kelly’s sleeping form and the overwhelming ache of helplessness grows. We’re no closer to knowing when she’ll wake. The doctors are saying she can wake any time. There is no reasoning with these types of brain injuries, we just have to be patient and wait it out. It’s the worst thing to hear. Sometimes the unknown is more frightening than the horrible truth.
“It’s going to work out, Brooks. You have to believe it, brother.” He nods but doesn’t say anything else. He’s probably sick of hearing it. From everyone. The whole clubhouse has stepped in. Always having someone here for when she wakes up. The girls come up every day, making sure someone is always with Kelly. Talking to her. Encouraging her to come around. Brooks hasn’t been alone but at the same time, he has. He’s alienated himself. And I get it, I do, but it’s hard to watch it. Watch him shut down and push everyone out.
We sit in silence for another twenty minutes until Brooks finally sits up and takes Kelly’s hand again.
“You find the fucker who did this yet?”
“Not yet. We’ve still got eyes out.” I hate we can’t give him the answer he wants. Yeah, Mayor Morre has been dealt with, but the man responsible for this needs to be found.