“Ahh, yeah I do,” I whisper back. It’s not like a deal breaker for me, but it’s definitely something I’ve always thought would happen. Like a natural progression of things.
“Then marry me, darlin’, if that’s all you need.”
“No, Beau.” My breathing practically stops and I have to force it to start again.
“Why not?” He sounds almost offended and I have to take a minute to figure out how to approach this.
“Beau, you’re not thinking this through. You’re reacting to a situation.” I don’t dare roll back and look at him. We shouldn’t be talking about this.
It’s not that I don’t want to marry Beau. Jesus, the thought alone makes me want to scream out yes. But I know he’s only acting on impulse. And I don’t want a proposal based on impulse. I don’t want to get married because we’re rushing to have a child.
“You’re right, I am. I’m reacting to you being fucking amazing and not wanting to waste time and create a life with you.”
“I love you, Beau. I’ve never loved anyone as much as I love you, but please don’t ask me like this. Don’t make me say no when all I want to do is say yes.”
He doesn’t say anything for a few minutes, the silence almost deafening before his mouth moves to my ear.
“You’re going to be my wife, Mackenzie, and you’re going to have my babies. The sooner you’re on board, the sooner we can start.” A shiver runs through me as his words wash over me. His threat is serious, almost dangerous, and I have nothing to come back at him with.
Because I want this. I want it so bad it scares me.
So instead of responding like I know he wants, I close my eyes and pretend he didn’t just threaten me with a beautiful life. A life I didn’t think I’d have. A life I want as much as he does.
Only the problem with pretending is it has a habit of hurting you more than the truth.
And I’ve had enough hurt in my life. I don’t need more.
“Hey, Kell,” I whisper, taking a seat next to her bed and reaching for her hand. She doesn’t reply, the soft touch of her hand missing the warmth I’ve grown used to the last few months.
“I really need you to wake up, Kell.” I squeeze her hand gently, desperate to get through to her. I only have about ten minutes alone with her until Brooks comes back from his shower, so I don’t waste any time in filling her in on everything going on around her.
“So much is happening, and everyone needs you. Mia needs you. Brooks needs you. The club needs you.” I sit and let her process it. “I need you,” I whisper the last part. She doesn’t respond like I wish she would, so I keep going.
“Beau asked me to marry him.” I spill my secret from last night.
“I mean, it was barely a marriage proposal, more like a threat.” I can imagine her laughing at his reaction to me saying no. “I just don’t know if I’m ready. After everything with Chad, I didn’t think I would ever get married again, but these last few months with Beau has changed me.” The room falls silent as I process my own words this time. Babies and marriage with Beau are the last thing we should be thinking about right now, but I can’t help it. He’s planted this seed in me and it’s growing into a possibility with each passing second.
“Anyway, enough about me.” I clear my throat and move on. The last thing she wants to hear about is Beau and my issues. “Mia is doing okay. She stayed with us last night. She’s still having nightmares. I think it would help if she came and visited more, but Brooks doesn’t believe it’s good for her. And I understand he’s coming from a good place, but she just misses you. Touching you. Both of you.” I fall silent again, and try to rack my brain on anything I’ve missed.
“Missy’s opens in five days. Everything’s pretty much ready to go. Beau and I met with Brie yesterday. She’s amazing.” I’m about to tell her more about Missy’s when Brooks walks back out. Damp hair and clean clothes on. His eyes are sunken, accompanied by almost black circles, and his beard is so overgrown he looks almost unrecognizable. But at least he’s clean.
“Hey.” I look up and watch him fall back into the chair he’s claimed as his own before reaching for Kell’s hand.
“Anything?” he asks without taking his eyes off her.
“Not yet.” I try to keep it hopeful, hating how my disappointment grows as each day passes. “But I know with time—”
“Time?” He barks out a bitter laugh and looks up at me.
“’Cause time is all we have, right? Time is just going to stop and wait for her?” I know he’s hurting, angry and even scared. His world as he knows it has stopped. I understand his pain.
Knowing there is no point getting into it with him, I stand and give Kelly one last hand squeeze before stepping back.
“I’m going to get going. I’ll be bringing Mia up after school today.”
“I already told Beau, I don’t want her up here too much.”
“And I understand why, but she needs to see her mother and father. You can’t keep this from her. It’s doing more harm than you think.” I reach for my bag, step around the bed and come to stand next to his chair.
“Mackenzie—” He twists to look up at me,
“No, Brooks. I know you think this is what’s best for her, but it’s not. You’re right. Time isn’t standing still, and while you’re here watching it slip by, Mia’s left out there living what you’re living but times two. Don’t make her do it alone. Don’t push her out. Let her be here.” I bend at the waist and give him a quick kiss on his cheek before standing back to full height. He doesn’t react, doesn’t tell me to mind my own business. He just sits there looking up at me.
“We’ll see you this afternoon.” I give him one final look before spinning around and walking out.
I hold myself together until I make it halfway down the hallway. Only then do I let out a shaky breath as the day’s first stream of tears come.
Jesus, I’m just a crying mess these days.
I didn’t want to have to do this, but I know if it were me in this situation, I’d want someone stepping in. I know Brooks and this isn’t him. This is a man too caught up in watching his wife sleep the days away, and he’s missing the bigger picture. I’m not going to sit back and allow him to shut down like this. Not like I did, especially when Mia needs him.
If I have learned anything the last month, it is our time is irreplaceable, and it can be taken away in a blink of an eye.
Not only am I going to start living in time, but I will make sure Brooks is there with me.
Mia deserves it.
Kelly deserves it.
I deserve it.
“Just take a deep breath, and relax,” I remind myself two days later as I hear the rumble of Beau’s bike pull into the drive. “You want this. No, you need this.” I place the rope I found in Beau’s draw at the end of the bed.
It’s not like I’m trying to convince myself to do it, because I know I want this, but more to calm my nerves. I’ve been planning and probably overthinking it. We both know it’s been a long time coming; however, with Mia staying with us on and off and the work with the shelter, we’ve had no time.
I hear the front door click open and my body locks.
Shit.
“Kenzie?” Beau’s voice comes down the hall.
“Down here!” My voice shakes with nerves, not believing this is about to happen. His footsteps grow louder along the wooden floor while I take my position.
“What you doing in here, darlin’?” Beau pushes the door open and stops short when he notices me.
“Hi,” I whisper, watching his eyes darken with need, lust and hunger.
“What the fuck you doing, Kenzie?” His Adam’s apple bounces up and down three times before he slowly swallows.
“What does it look like?” I arch my back a little, pushing my breasts out a bit more. I’m fucking nervous, but I’m adamant I won’t let him see it.