‘Snuff’s saliva-stimulating. It’s actually oral-hygiene-enhancing, when you factor in all the extra brushing. The caries are Himself’s legacy. You know that. The Himself whose root canals put Dr. Zegarelli’s kids through Andover.’
‘This basically nonsocial call, H., is because I need your feedback on some issues from these half-dozen or so very complex and far-ranging and in-depth conversations I had with a certain Subject.’
‘Not the mobile-home person, surely.’
‘Whole different ballpark of Subject. The Dickinson theory I have to admit came from these conversations.’
‘Sounds like one deep lady.’
‘Whole levels and dimensions to this one. We’ve had a whole series of very intense verbal interchanges. Transcendentalist poetics was just one of the in-depth issues ranged over. This subject keeps me on the cerebral toes.’
‘Dickinson’s about as Transcendentalist as Poe. Your Subject’s 0 for 2.’
‘This is all off to the side of the call. I told this Subject I’d consider certain issues very carefully before I really responded.’
‘Which meant you’d consider what she wanted to hear and how to ladle it on until she begs you to have intercourse with her.’
‘I hence need considered-sounding responses to two basic questions.’
‘Why this sick thing of making me complicit in these Strategic pursuits when you know I think they’re troubled and sick? It’s like asking somebody to help you culture anthrax or something.’
‘Just two questions is all.’
‘Now I’m beginning almost to be able to feel my pulse in the tooth, it feels like the infection’s gathering force so fast.’
‘Firstly, what does the following word I can’t find in the dictionary mean: s-a-m-i-z-d-a-t.’
‘Samizdat. Russian compound noun. Soviet twentieth-century idiom. Sam — stem: “self”; izdat — undeclined verb: “to publish.” I think the literal denotation’s technically archaic: the sub-rosa dissemination of politically charged materials that were banned when the Eschaton-era Kremlin was going around banning things. Connotatively, the generic meaning now is any sort of politically underground or beyond-the-pale press or the stuff published thereby. There’s no real samizdat in the U.S. per se, First Amendment-wise, I don’t think. I suppose ultra-radical Québecois and Albertan stuff could be considered O.N.A.N.ite samizdat.’
Tow.’
‘Not just Séparatisteur pamphlets, now. It’d have to be more incendiary. Materials advocating violence, destruction of property, disruption of Grids, anti-O.N.A.N. terrorism and so on. I don’t think O.N.A.N.’s got technical bans per se, I don’t think, but Poutrincourt said the R.C.M.P.s are empowered to impound literature and even desktop-publishing and InterLink hardware et cetera without any sort of warrant.’
‘R.C.M.P.’
‘Mounties, O.’
‘The Nelson Eddy guys in silly hats and equestrian jaspers.’
‘Close enough. Next question.’
‘So you’d have no idea why The Mad Stork’s name would come up in connection with somebody saying samizdat.’
‘This is the second question?’
‘Call it l(a).’
‘Not in any strict sense of the term. I guess I could see some Séparatisteurs trying to read The ONANtiad or Brick as anti-Reconfiguration films. Maybe stuff like Poultry in Motion. A lot of Himself’s stuff was self-distributed, too. And Immanent Domain’s allegedly on one level an allegory about the Concavity, though that overlooks that Gentle wasn’t even President when the thing came out. But you can tell your Subject that Himself’s work was all very self-consciously American. His interest in politics was subordinate to form. Always. And none of it’s banned. Whatever’s still on the InterLace back-menus is inter-Grid: you can order The ONANtiad in Manitoba, Vera Cruz, anywhere.’
‘Speaking of Quebec Separatism, interestingly.’
‘Why do I get a sinking feeling this is going to be l(a)-point-one or something. Maybe I could call you back tomorrow and we could chat on and on. I’m going to be here reading for Boards till the Eschaton at 1400. Holiday tolls are low.’
‘It’s my nickel, here.’
‘Or maybe you could simply call the person who’s really the person to chat with about all issues Canadian, O.’
‘Droll.’
‘Moving right along to question 2, then — my Epsom salts are getting cold.’
‘The big one is what you’d have to say if some tough-minded and spectacular Subject asked you what you have to say about the way every Nuck Séparatisteur up there, from the Bloc Québecois and Fils de Montcalm all the way out to the really bug-eyed radical fringe-type sects and terroristic cells —’
‘I’m going to have to object to the word Nuck, O.’
‘Beg pardon. The issue being why the whole Québec-Séparatisteur collection up there dropped the original Quebec-independence objective like a rock and switched seemingly overnight to putting everything into agitating against O.N.A.N. and the Reconfiguration and forcing the return of the Concavity to our map.’
‘O., this is O.N.A.N.ite politics. I’d look my Subject right in the big blue eye and tell her straight-out that the field of nanomicroscopy is not yet advanced enough to measure my interest in the intricacies of O.N.A.N.ite politics. Poutrincourt’s class is disquieting enough. The whole thing’s unpleasant and dry and repetitive and mostly dull. Thevet has a kind of compelling romanto-historical yarn to spin, though, about —’
Tm serious. You’ve had some background, at least. The only Nuck prorector we ever got taught ceramics.’
‘But you’re the one with the Pleiades and the 5 on the French Achievement boards and the ability to trill your R’s.’
‘That’s Parisian. And now I don’t even watch the sports summaries, much less the political stuff. Just try for just one second. This Subject raised issues that were way out of my depth.’
‘That’s not even coherent enough to be a mixed metaphor, O. Are you honestly telling me you want your depth increased? Or are you just looking for some Cliff-Note summary so you can incorporate the impression of depth into some new panty-removal campaign? Are you going to tell her you studied O.N.A.N.ite politics under the Jesuits?’
‘The whole thing was dicey. I had to tell the Subject that I had to think about it and ponder, that I always took time to ponder at depth before I just dashed off an opinion.’
‘And don’t tell me: this is your Moment profiler? Your Boswell in an E cup? Is this why she’s en route? Was the whole familio-historical profile story last week a dodge? Am I really just supposed to sit down with her and paint you now as a political-minded ex-seminarian who’s married to someone only some sort of heroically proportioned goddess could tempt you to betray? Because I’ll tell you right now that Schtitt’s not going to let any of us here talk to anybody from some glossy rag like Moment without him or deLint sitting right there with us. Gone are the days of Himself not caring how many who’s-the-next-Venus-Williams-hype journalists haunt the grounds, man. Schtitt’s now calling the shots on who talks to whom. DeLint has a whole scathing appendix to the Admissions Manual about junior development and toxic hype.’
‘Helen’ll be able to get in.’
‘Schtitt’s not going to let me hype your political acuity or pseudo-wife or anything else. He’s got C.T. seeing this place as a sort of prophylactic against commercial attention. He thinks junior commercial attention’s deforming. The Manual now invites us to see ourselves as in utero and hype as thalidomide. Schtitt’ll let her in and stick her in with C.T. and let C.T. filibuster her till she throws herself out the window like that journalist from Condé Nast last fall.’