I might have started the kiss, but Hayden took control of it. I quickly found myself laid out on the couch, Hayden hovering over me, one leg working its way between mine. His mouth was hard, those steel rings biting into my lip. One hand went to my hair, gripping it so he could control the angle.
I needed the connection, physical and otherwise. The glorious weight of his body settled over me; his erection pressed against my hip and I moaned. With one hand firmly on the back of his neck to keep him close, the other traveled down to the dip in his spine.
I slid my palm beneath the waistband of his jeans and met bare skin. No boxers barred the contact. I dug my fingernails in the soft skin over hard muscle and pushed down. Familiar warmth rushed through my limbs and funneled straight between my thighs. He tensed and I held on tighter, terrified of what was coming. I was desperate for him, and he was going to stop this. I could tell in the way he slowed the kiss.
“Fuck.” Hayden scrambled away from me. “We can’t be doing that.”
“It’s okay.” I sat up and reached out for him.
Hayden shot off the couch and grabbed his scotch. “No, it’s not okay. We have shit we need to work out, and that kind of business isn’t going to help a damn thing.”
He was right, of course. Not that I would say it outright.
“I know you’re angry with me.” I touched my lips. They were still wet.
“Angry? You have no idea what the past three weeks have been like for me.” He headed for the kitchen, putting distance between us.
“Yes, I do.” At least I could imagine.
We’d been in a similar situation before, I realized. After the engagement party at Lisa and Jamie’s, when I found him in the bathroom with Sienna and that other woman. One of us putting up walls for protection; the other looking for a way in. This time I was the one seeking forgiveness, while Hayden donned his armor.
His hand came down on the counter with a heavy thud. “No. You don’t. You left me—not the other way around. So don’t tell me you know, because you don’t. It fucking ruined me.”
“Do you think it didn’t hurt to leave?”
“Oh, yeah, it must have torn you right up. So much that you didn’t even bother to call. Not me, anyway. Not once.”
This was what I had been expecting; the anger, the hurt. “I couldn’t call you.”
“Why not? Trey wouldn’t have approved? Did he chain you up in a cell and refuse to give you access to a phone? Or were you only allowed to have contact with your girlfriends? That must have been it: only the degenerate was off-limits.”
“That wasn’t it. If I’d talked to you, I never would have stayed.”
“And would it have been so bad, to come back here and be with me? How stupid do think I felt after I went to Arden Hills to bring you home, only to have you shut me out completely?”
“What? You came to Arden Hills? When?” I asked, stunned.
“The night you took off, I came after you. Trey wouldn’t even come to the door. Just threatened me through the goddamn intercom and called the fucking police.”
“Oh my God. I didn’t know, Hayden. He never told me.” The first two days had been the worst. I’d locked myself in Connor’s old bedroom and cried until I didn’t have any tears left.
“I would have told you—if you’d bothered to return one of my fucking phone calls. But you didn’t. Not even once. I don’t get it. I don’t even understand why you wanted to be there in the first place. Especially with that asshole lording over you. I would have helped you find a lawyer to deal with things here, if you’d let me.”
“It wasn’t that simple. There were things I had to take care of.”
“Everyone is gone; you could have dealt with it from here!” Hayden yelled.
At this verbal slap in the face, I closed my eyes against the pain. When I opened them again, I could see his regret, but the words were out and he couldn’t take them back.
“I know they’re gone, Hayden. I live with it every day.” I got up.
He left the kitchen, barricading me between the couch and coffee table. “I’m sorry, that was a dickhead thing to say. I didn’t mean it. I’m just trying to understand. The last time we were together, we were closer than we’ve ever been. When Trey showed up, you let him shit all over what we had. Then you pretty much backed him up when you told me to leave and disappeared for three weeks. I’m confused. I want you here, but I’m just so—”
He stopped, unable to get the rest out. I could see his conflict; fear overriding everything. As though what he wanted to say would make me disappear again.
I hadn’t given him any reason to think otherwise. As far as he knew, I was only here to pick up TK. I’d thought the kiss would show him what I wanted, but of course it hadn’t. Because last time, I’d told him how I felt about him and then left.
“You have every right to be upset with me for what I’ve done,” I said. He looked so wary. “I didn’t think there was any other way than to leave with Trey. The anniversary of the crash was less than two weeks ago, and there was a memorial service. I lost my whole family; I needed to go. But you’re right—I should have called to explain. I wish I had.” I took a step toward him and he took one back.
“I called you. All you had to do was answer.”
“Like I said, if I had I would have come right home. Going back to Arden Hills wasn’t just about settling the estate. Trey’s showing up made all the wounds fresh again. He’s always been good at capitalizing on my weaknesses, particularly my guilt over what happened.” I summoned the courage to confess the most difficult part. “I felt responsible for all of it. I had such cold feet about the wedding. I thought it was normal to have reservations, but then . . .” My voice cracked, and I had to take a deep breath before I could go on. “All those deaths—they sat on my shoulders. I had to make peace with that, Hayden. Otherwise I would have come back here with the same ghosts haunting me. And then where would we be?”
“I wish I had known some of this before you left me.”
There it was again—the phrase that made my heart ache, as though my departure had been about his abandonment. For him, that was exactly what had happened. “And I wish I’d been strong enough to tell you. But I wasn’t—and I’m so sorry for that.”
“Yeah. Me, too.” He exhaled heavily. “Look, this is a lot to process and I’m . . . a little overwhelmed and tired. You must be wiped from the drive and that shit with Sienna, and this.” He motioned between us. “So maybe it’s best if we get some sleep. I don’t want to say anything else I might regret.”
“Okay.” I swallowed the lump in my throat. I didn’t have the right to be disappointed. “If I can borrow the key to my place . . .”
“What? Why?”
“Because you want to go to bed.”
“Yeah, but I don’t want you to leave.” He cleared his throat. “Besides, you’re limping and you’re not getting back in that elevator, so you might as well stay here.”
My heart leapt. “I’ll sleep out here on the couch.” It was comfortable enough. Although not nearly as comfortable as Hayden’s bed and Hayden’s warm body.
He frowned. Ran a hand through his hair. “Uh—that’s not necessary. I’ve got a spare room.”
My spark of hope was doused with disappointment. The last time I was here, he’d said that no one had ever seen his bedroom, let alone slept in it. He wouldn’t ask for intimacy with me now. Too much had changed. I followed him down the hall and he stopped at a door I hadn’t noticed during my previous visit.
He flipped on the lights. A desk was in one corner with a filing cabinet beside it, and a double bed was against the far wall. Just like every other room in his house, it was immaculate. The covers were pulled up tight. If I checked, I was sure the sheets would be tucked in hospital style. Beside the bed was a nightstand with a small lamp.