Tenley’s eyes widened. “All? As in more than once?”
“Why do you look so surprised? You’ve been inside The Doll-house. You’ve met Sienna. You hang out with Sarah and you know what she does to pay her tuition. You’ve seen the people I used to spend my time with. None of this should come as a shock. I can’t keep apologizing for shit I did before I knew you.” My stomach churned as the words spilled out. I was so damn tired of looking at my past and justifying why I did the things I did.
“I’m not asking you to apologize.”
“Then what are you asking for?”
“I just want . . .”
“What, Tenley? What do you want? Do you want to take this down to base needs? Do you want me to be the person you fuck and nothing else? Am I too complicated for you? If so, I’m not sure I can be that accommodating, because my stupid fucking feelings will get in the way. I’m sorry if that’s an inconvenience for you.”
Tenley looked horrified. “That’s ludicrous. What would make you think that’s what I want?”
I rubbed my temple. “I don’t know. Maybe it has something to do with the way you tried to get me to fuck you as soon as we stopped fighting last night. Or the way you ended up naked in my bed this morning, looking for more of the same.” Even as I said it, I knew it wasn’t fair.
“You can’t be serious! I ended up in your bed because you were having a nightmare, not so you would fuck me. I missed you. I wanted to be with you because of how I feel about you, not because I wanted an orgasm.”
“Yeah, well, it’s hard to know with you,” I snapped. “This shit is all I know, Tenley. The fighting and the fucking, it’s what Sienna used to do. She’d push my goddamn buttons until I went off, and then she’d let me fuck all the anger out. This whole scenario is too damn familiar.”
What Tenley and I had was about more than sex, but I couldn’t seem to get a handle on my emotions. Or my fears.
This wasn’t how I’d thought things would go this evening. We were supposed to get my car, have a quick bite, and I’d head back to work. Then I’d invite her over at the end of the night to hang out. I hadn’t expected a fight in her dead fiancé’s car, incited by a make-out session.
“I’m sorry Sienna did that to you, but I’m not her. Sometimes people have sex after they argue to connect, not just to get off. That’s what I wanted—not control, or payback, or anything sinister.” Tenley reached out, but when I shifted away, she retracted her hand. “I was terrified you’d go back to Sienna while I was gone. Or find someone else to replace me. I worried about that all the time.”
“First of all, you’re not replaceable. And you think I didn’t worry about the same thing? I kept going over what I could have done differently to keep you with me.”
“I never wanted anyone but you.”
“How the hell was I supposed to know that? You told me to leave, for fuck sake! Maybe if you’d made some attempt to contact me, I wouldn’t have been in hell for the past few weeks. One phone call would have been enough.”
“I told you why I didn’t—”
I raised a hand and cut her off. “I know you had your reasons, except you aren’t the only one who was affected by your decisions. We both have fucked-up pasts. There’s nothing simple about what’s going on between us. I’m trying to let this shit go, but you’ve been back less than twenty-four hours. Beyond that, if you can’t get over the things I’ve done, then maybe this isn’t going to work.”
“What are you saying?” I could feel her anxiety. It rivaled mine and I felt awful for the spike of satisfaction. Tenley hadn’t asked for her past, any more than I’d asked for mine.
“I don’t know. I think maybe we need to slow things down. Start over, or whatever.”
“Are you asking for space?”
“No. I think maybe we need to back things up a bit. My head’s all messed up over this, and as much as I want to be with you, I’m not sure it’s a good thing for me right now.”
“Be with me?” Her fingers tightened around the steering wheel and her eyes flared with panic. “As in . . . ?”
“As in sex. We need to put that on hold.”
Her grip loosened, but the frown of worry remained. “Indefinitely?”
Based on previous experience, I doubted I’d last more than a couple of weeks, at best. I wasn’t telling her that, though. “For a while. We need to sort through our shit before I can go there again. It makes me feel too much, and I can’t handle it.”
“Okay. If that’s what you think is best.”
I pinned her with a glare. “I’ve heard that before. Don’t make this hard for me. It won’t help either of us, and it’ll just make me more pissed at you.”
“I won’t. I promise.”
We had just enough time to retrieve my car from the impound lot and book it back to Inked Armor. Tenley paid the fee because she felt responsible for my car’s being towed in the first place. Afterward, I gave her the keys to my place because she wanted to check on TK. She hadn’t asked to take her home yet and I wasn’t going to bring it up. I wasn’t all that keen on parting with her, but I would if that was what Tenley wanted. Which made me a huge sucker and irritated the fuck out of me.
Nate showed up at six on the dot, and at his request we went over the sketches in one of the private rooms. It meant he wanted to interrogate me, much like everyone else.
“Cassie tells me Tenley came home,” he said as he sifted through the photos in his file and the drawings I’d done based on our design discussion.
“Yeah.”
“How’s that going?”
“All right.”
He looked up from the paper in his hand.
“Things are a little tense.”
“I’m sure they are. You want to talk about it?”
“Nah, I’m all talked out today.”
Nate let it go. He narrowed it down to two sketches and pointed out the things he liked about both of them. It would be easy enough to merge them into one drawing. I asked him for a week to work on it and we scheduled a follow-up appointment.
“Have the nightmares let up at all?” Nate asked as I returned the sketches to his folder with the notes we made.
“Not so much.”
“So they’re getting worse?”
I frowned. “How would you know that?”
“Lots of stress in your life. Tenley’s leaving would echo the loss of your parents, and the loss of control.”
“Yeah, well, maybe now that she’s back it’ll get better.”
I didn’t think that would be true, though. The nightmares had worsened over the past few weeks and were increasingly vivid. I had new dreams beyond the one where I found my parents’ bodies, and the ones where Tenley replaced them. Some were definitely memories. Others were less clear. The newest ones creeped me right out.
“Did you ever see the crime scene photos?” I asked before I lost my nerve.
“No. But I know you did,” he replied cautiously.
I nodded slowly, mulling over what I’d seen and what I remembered. It was so long ago, and I’d been so fucked up. “All the art from my parents’ house, is it in the storage unit?”
“I haven’t gotten rid of anything, so I assume so. What’s this about? Was there a piece you wanted? I could come with you.”
“I don’t know. Do you remember if they ever took one for evidence?” It was such a hazy time for me. Nothing about those months after my parents’ deaths was clear, apart from haunting images of their dead bodies and parts of the interrogation afterward.