Once inside I kicked off my shoes, tossed my jacket on the hook, and rushed to my bedroom. I stripped out of my clothes and rooted around in my dresser for bedwear. Upon my return, I discovered my apartment had two temperatures in the winter; “hot” and “sauna.” There was no in-between. Intent on dishing out some payback for the makeout session in the car, I ditched my bra and changed into a camisole and a pair of shorts. Then I went back out to the kitchen to pour myself a drink. Crossing to the window, I drew back the curtains, sat down on the sill, and waited.
I used to do this every night when I first moved in, before I’d gone into Inked Armor and everything changed. I’d taken up the habit again. Especially now that I knew where Hayden’s condo was located on the wall of windows across the street. Hayden and I had developed a new bedtime ritual. It made the lack of sleepovers a little less difficult to take.
My gaze shifted to the Inked Armor sign. It remained lit, lending a soft glow to the sidewalk below. Bundled up in scarves and hats and heavy coats, people hurried along the streets. I looked up at the condos above the shop and smiled when a slice of light appeared in the window almost directly above Inked Armor. The curtains were pushed aside and a figure eclipsed the light.
Hayden’s profile came into view, shadows cutting across his body. He’d taken off his dress shirt. A thin undershirt covered the majority of his ink, but it was tight enough to provide an adequate view of his heavyset shoulders and broad chest. I liked it best when he appeared in nothing but his ink, but I would take what I could get. TK was in her favorite place; draped across his shoulders.
My phone rang.
“Hi.” I lifted my hand in a wave and he mirrored the movement.
Hayden’s deep voice came through the line. “You changed.”
“I’m ready for bed.”
“You look a little underdressed to me, considering the weather.”
“It’s hot in here.” I fingered the strap of my camisole, gazing up at his shadowy profile in the window above me.
“You don’t think you’ll get cold?”
“I wouldn’t be if you came over,” I whispered hopefully.
His heavy exhale told me I was pushing it. “I thought you said you weren’t going to make this difficult for me.”
“I’m not trying to.”
“Are you sure about that?” His posture matched his tone; stiff. I didn’t want him mad at me. Not with me still sleeping in my own apartment.
“I just miss you.” I brought my fingers to my lips and touched the window.
There was a long pause. When he spoke again, his voice was soft, the edge gone. “I’m not far. Good night, kitten, I’ll see you in the morning.”
“G’night, Hayden.”
He ended the call and lifted his hand in a parting wave before he dropped the curtain. A few minutes later the light in his bedroom went out. I stayed at the window for a long time. It took me ages to fall asleep after I finally went to bed, knowing Hayden was still out of reach.
My phone woke me in the middle of the night.
“Tenley?” Hayden’s voice wavered.
“I’m here. Is everything okay?” I sat up, blinking away the bleariness. It was three in the morning.
“I had another—” He coughed. “You weren’t here. You weren’t beside me, and I just needed to make sure you were okay. I’m sorry.”
“It’s all right. Everything’s all right.” I listened to his panicked breathing as I got out of bed and went to the window with the view of his condo. He was standing at his window as he’d been a few hours earlier. “Do you want me to come over?”
His fingers drifted over the glass. “Please?”
“Give me five minutes.” I kept him on the line while I pulled on clothes, talking him down, reassuring him I was on my way.
Hayden met me at the front door of his condo building, even though I had keys. He didn’t end the call until I was standing right in front of him. His hair was a riotous mess, the sides sticking out, the top standing on end in some places and lying flat it others. His eyes were bloodshot and his jaw was tight.
“Was it the same dream?” I asked as he pulled me tight against him, burying his face in my hair. From what I understood, his nightmares had become a nightly occurrence.
“Sort of. It starts out the same every time but it keeps changing.”
He led me to the elevator, punching the button until the doors slid open. I couched my anxiety as I stepped inside; Hayden required my strength more than I needed his. When we were closed inside, he made quick work of the buttons on my coat. His cold hand went under my hoodie to my sternum and then slid around my back. As on the night I first returned, it wasn’t sexual.
He kept his hand pressed against my skin as the elevator chimed and the doors opened. He was too unnerved to get his key in the lock, so I let us into his condo. TK met us at the door, weaving between our legs. Hayden didn’t even bother to put his shoes away once we were locked inside, which spoke to his state. I put them in the closet, along with my own.
“Do you want to tell me about it?” I asked when we were sitting on his couch, him with a glass of scotch and me with water.
He might need the alcohol to chase away the shakes, but I wanted to have my faculties about me. My legs were draped over his and his arm was around my back, holding me as close as he could without climbing on top of me.
“It used to be that I couldn’t get to you. Now I can, but when I get close enough to touch you, you disappear. Then there are other dreams that are more memories than anything. I can’t get them out of my head; not when I’m sleeping, not when I’m awake. I feel like I can’t get away from it anymore.”
I stroked his cheek with the back of my hand. It was awful to see his subconscious playing on his fears.
He was silent for a moment before he said softly, “What if something happens to you? What if there’s nothing I can do to stop it? What if someone takes you away from me again?”
I snuggled deeper into his arms, trying to comfort him with closeness. “No one’s going to take me away from you.”
“But you can’t know that. Even if you promise you’re going to stay, even if I believe that, something could happen to you, and then where would I be? Alone again. I’ll be alone and all I’ll have left are these fucking nightmares. My head is too full. I can’t—I can’t—” His panic took over.
During the initial months after the plane crash, panic plagued me like a ghost. That helpless, out-of-control feeling that at any moment the thing I needed most would disappear. Back then, it had been the medication. Now it was him.
I peeled his fingers from the glass in his hand before he shattered it with the force of his grip. Then I straddled his lap to wrap myself around him. He clung to me as I whispered reassuring words. We were so similar in our pain. If only we could cancel each other’s out.
12
HAYDEN
Five days. That was how long the sleepover boycott lasted. Yet even with Tenley in my bed, I couldn’t shake the nightmares. They were worse than ever, but at least with her next to me the content of the dreams didn’t include her.
Something in me had snapped. The wall I’d erected had come crumbling down, and I couldn’t get it back up. All the things I never wanted to remember about my parents’ deaths were resurfacing with a clarity that woke me in the night, leaving me sweaty and shaking.
It was six in the morning. Tenley was asleep in my bed. I should have been there, too, but it was pointless when all I did was toss and turn. Instead, I sat on my couch in the living room. The Christmas tree Tenley and I had put up earlier in the week blinked cheerily from across the room. We’d decorated it together with the ornaments she brought over, and the predawn glow of the flashing white lights was a bitter counterpoint to my somber mood. My laptop was open on the coffee table. I’d been scanning the same articles over and over, looking for some seed of information. Anything to help make sense of the memories I couldn’t reshelve in the Do Not Enter section of my brain.