“No offense, Hayden, but you don’t look very good.”
“You should have seen me before I shaved.” When he didn’t say anything, I sighed. “I’m not sleeping well.”
“Are you having the nightmares again?”
“It’s not a big deal. They happen when I’m stressed.”
For the past couple of years they’d been manageable. Every once in a while I went through a period when they resurfaced, but after a few weeks they let up again. Until Tenley had left. Now they came nightly.
“What are they about?”
“The usual.” That wasn’t quite accurate.
“Are they like the ones you had after your parents were killed?”
“Kind of.”
While the dreams about my parents unnerved me, the ones about Tenley scared the crap out of me. Usually they were more like snapshots of memories and flashes of events, such as the interrogation with Cross. Some of the nightmares were about previous women, who always morphed into Tenley. That my subconscious allowed such a thing freaked me out. But as much as they sucked, they were just dreams fused with memories. Nothing Nate needed to know about.
“Do you want me to prescribe you something to help with the sleep?”
“Nah, it’ll pass.” Meds were in my cabinet already, and except for one time a couple months back, I refused to take them. I might not be handling things well, but I knew what drug dependency looked like. Prescription or not, I had no desire to fall into that pit of self-destruction. We sat there for a while and I expected him to throw something else at me, but he didn’t. Eventually the words just came out, even though I’d vowed not to talk about it with him.
“I keep going back to the night she left, wondering if I could have done something differently. And there’s this one thing her brother-in-law said that I can’t get out of my head.”
“What’s that?”
“He said I was her punishment.”
“Punishment?” A crease formed between Nate’s eyes. “For what?”
“I don’t know. Surviving?” I rubbed the back of my neck.
“That seems a little extreme, considering what Tenley’s been through.”
“She didn’t deny it, though. So it has to be true.”
“I’m not sure I agree with that. It depends on the context, doesn’t it? And that brother-in-law of hers sounds like quite the bastard from what I’ve been told. I think the better question is, do you feel that way about yourself?”
I hesitated. “Maybe? Tenley could have been slumming it, like he said.”
“Slumming it? You don’t live in the projects.”
“I’m not exactly aspiring to be in the upper class, though, am I? My high school diploma was granted out of pity, not merit. I have no postsecondary education and I definitely don’t conform to societal expectations.”
Generally, the only people who wanted to be around me were the ones who wanted my art on them. It didn’t say much about me as a person.
“First of all, the upper class is primarily made up of narcissistic assholes, so it’s better not to aim for that status. Secondly, your problem in high school wasn’t ability. Your diploma was granted because you are competent. You were leagues above your peers and you were bored to tears. Which is partly why you behaved the way you did.”
“I would have been a pain in the ass even if boredom hadn’t been an issue.”
“Maybe. But let’s be honest, Hayden—as much as I loved your parents, they didn’t exactly keep close tabs on you.”
He was right, though it felt like a betrayal to think of them as anything less than perfect. Not until I started coming home drunk and high did they try to put a leash on me. By that time it was too late.
When I stayed silent, he continued, “Nonconformity has been your mantra since you developed independent thought. Plus, you were their only child and they couldn’t say no to you. When you lost them, you lost yourself, too. But that doesn’t make you someone else’s punishment.”
I held up a hand. He was spewing too much affirmation crap. “Enough with the headshrinking.”
Nate smiled, amused. “It’s a natural impulse, I’m afraid. And there’s nothing wrong with therapy.”
“I’m not crazy.”
“I didn’t say you were.”
“I don’t need to talk about my shit.”
“Everyone needs to talk about their shit.”
“I knew I shouldn’t have said anything,” I said, irritated that I’d opened my mouth in the first place.
“You’ve spent the last seven years owning the death of your parents. That’s you punishing yourself. So it would make sense for you to internalize Tenley’s leaving as if it’s a reflection of something you’ve done, rather than an external force.”
It was hard to fight the truth. That was the reason I never allowed myself to get close to Nate. I talked too much when I was around him.
“I keep everyone on the periphery on purpose.” I shook my head at the irony. “And the second I let Tenley in, she leaves me. It fucking hurts. It’s like there’s this huge hole in my chest, and if she just came back, it would go away and I would be fine. Except that’s not true—because there will always be this thing between us now.”
“You’re referring to her deceased fiancé?”
Nate waited silently.
It embarrassed the shit out of me that he knew my business.
“Here’s the thing I can’t figure out: If I hurt this much over someone who is still alive and I’ve known for a few months, then how did she manage to move on after losing nine people? That’s why I think I’m her punishment. Like she picked me because I can never be right for her.”
“Love doesn’t always have convenient timing.”
“Tenley doesn’t love me.” I wished people would stop saying that. At first I believed it, but after weeks of silence, I didn’t anymore. I’d gone all the way to Arden Hills to get her back, only to end up being thwarted by that fucknut Trey. If I ever saw him again, he wouldn’t be walking away with teeth.
“Did she tell you that?”
“She left me. I think that says it all.”
“Have you considered that maybe she left because she doesn’t know how to handle how she feels about you?”
“She left because she had to deal with her estate.”
“I’m sure that’s part of the reason.”
“Whatever. The reasons don’t change the fact that she’s gone.” I downed the rest of my scotch and pushed up off the edge of the bed. “I need a refill.”
Dinner was more of the same. I zoned out, thinking about Tenley. Christmas was barely more than two weeks away and I worried how Tenley would handle the holidays. In the past I’d drowned them in booze and drugs. Now I limited it to scotch; sophisticated drunkenness and all that.
After dinner I made everyone leave the kitchen so I could clean up; creating order out of chaos helped ease the anxiety. I wanted to get home because I hadn’t checked Tenley’s apartment yet today and the deviation from my routine exacerbated the OCD, making me a slave to compulsion.
When I finished putting away the last of the dishes, I went back out to the living room. The girls were huddled around Cassie’s phone. I leaned over to check out what had them so riveted and heard Lisa whisper something about Tenley. They rarely mentioned her in front of me on the chance I might lose my shit. Or the notso-off chance. Lisa moved her head and the screen came into view; it contained an e-mail from Tenley.
“What the fuck?”
I snatched the phone out of Cassie’s hand and did a quick scan before she grabbed it back. It was a money transfer for Tenley’s rent. She’d sent it early. She usually paid on the fifteenth of every month, and the message along with it said she was fine, but she wasn’t sure when she would be back. At the end she asked how I was doing; if I was managing all right. As if she felt sorry for me. It was such a fucking kick in the balls.