I’d mulled over my reaction this morning, trying to figure out what my problem was, beyond the obvious. I still hadn’t come up with anything completely rational.
Tenley sat down in the chair, fully dressed. Usually she got mostly naked as soon as I locked the door.
“You’re going to have to take that off if I’m going to get started.” I motioned to the hoodie.
“I have a question first.”
“Fire away.” I started assembling the tattoo machine.
“Why are you so worried about this being the last session?”
“We talked about this earlier.” I almost fumbled with the needle, giving away my nerves. Tenley was perceptive. I couldn’t hide much from her.
She pulled her hoodie over her head, a well-orchestrated move to assure me that if I answered her question truthfully, more clothes would come off. She was wearing a T-shirt underneath that conformed to her curves. “Tell me again. And I already know you like having me in your chair. That’s a given.”
“Technically, I’ve never had you in my chair, but I suppose we could rectify that. . . .” I put down the machine and stripped off my gloves. I was in full avoidance mode.
“You’ve used sex as a distraction once today. You don’t get to do it again.”
“I thought there was a twice-a-day limit.” I leaned in to kiss her, but she turned her head to the side. I bit her neck instead.
“Answer the question.” She sounded just the tiniest bit breathy.
“I already did.” I sucked on the skin. She tasted good, as usual.
“You can’t regurgitate the same response from this morning. After what you pulled, do you think I’m going to fall for it? Give me some credit.”
I hadn’t expected the diversionary tactic to work, but at least I’d tried. I sat back down in my chair and rolled in close. I couldn’t start the session with this tension between us. It wasn’t fair to Tenley.
“I’m nervous.”
“About how I’m going to react to finishing the tattoo? I’m ready for this.”
She hadn’t been visibly upset after a session in a long time. In fact, there’d been a peacefulness about her that I envied as we got closer to the end. I was the one who was having a hard time with it. I traced the veins in the back of her hand with my finger, needing somewhere to focus.
“It’s not so much about you as it is about me.” After a long pause I looked up, meeting her questioning gaze. “I don’t want to lose this.”
“This? Do you mean what we have when we’re here?” She flipped her hand over and laced our fingers together.
“It’s stupid. I’m being an idiot.”
“No, you’re not.” She kissed the back of my hand. “We probably should have talked about this before now. The only reason I’ve let you postpone this session twice already is because I like how connected I feel to you when we’re in here.”
I shouldn’t have been surprised she was on to me, or that we shared the same fears. “I’m sorry I kept putting you off.”
“I figured you had your reasons.” She shifted and I parted my legs so hers could fit between them. The fingers that weren’t already twined with mine pushed through my hair. Her palm came to rest on the back of my neck. “This tattoo isn’t a representation of loss anymore, Hayden. It started out that way, but time has changed that. You’ve changed that. This isn’t an ending. It’s like closing the circle, bringing us back where we started.”
“I’m just worried that finishing the tattoo will mean you’re finished with me.”
She stroked my cheek with her thumb. “That’s not going to happen. You’re far too important for me to walk away from, Hayden.”
I caught her hand and brought it to my lips. Even though they were just words, it was the reassurance I needed. “I love you.”
“I know. I love you, too. Now let’s finish what we started.” She leaned back and waited.
I wanted to prolong every part of this process, knowing this first for her, and me, wasn’t one we could re-create.
I took my time removing her shirt, skimming the delicate cage of ribs. The red bra with black polka dots and the lacy ruffle at the top came into view. I could guarantee she had on the matching panties. She was the life-size version of the outline Jamie had put on my forearm a week ago.
I didn’t trust myself to undress her any further without taking things too far, so I snapped on a pair of gloves while she unclasped her bra. She was wearing the cupcake nipple shields again. She smiled innocently, waiting for me to stop staring at her breasts and get with the program.
“You need to turn around, kitten,” I said to her chest. “Please.” Sessions with Tenley had become like foreplay and were almost as intimate. With the two-hour limit she wasn’t put out of commission, and the connection carried over into the bedroom later. The sex was always mind-blowing. Another reason I’d wanted to postpone the final session.
She turned around and straddled the chair, allowing my brain to function again.
The area I was working on tonight was small, only about six inches high by eight inches wide. “Ready?”
“For you? Always.” Tenley’s coy grin alleviated some of the tension.
I started with the golds and silvers, then moved on to the reds and blues in the flames licking up the underside of the wings. I choose this section because it represented the light and dark equally. For me, she would always be the light in my darkness.
Tenley’s hand rested on my knee as I shaded in the wing. She didn’t complain when I went over her ribs or hit spots that were inevitably tender. She’d been like that for almost every session. Even when I went over the scarred parts, the only sound she would make was one of relief when the needle lifted from her skin and I wiped away the residual ink. The sole sign that she was in pain came from the tension in her body.
Our conversation was light, nothing like that of some of the earlier sessions, which had been full of difficult revelations.
This one was over too quickly.
When I finished, I looked over the entire piece, searching for spots that needed touching up. There weren’t any. I’d been meticulous. I turned off the tattoo machine and set it down. Then I wiped the ink with a fresh cloth, admiring the completed piece for the first time.
“It’s done.”
Her smile was full of warm satisfaction. “I want to see.”
I helped her out of the chair and led her to the three-way mirror, angling it so she didn’t have to crane her neck. The reds and blues and smoky shades of purple at the base of the wings presented a striking contrast against the ethereal golds and silver at her shoulders. I doubted I would ever put anything so darkly beautiful on another person.
Her fingers trailed along the tip of the wing. She looked like an angel on fire.
“It’s so gorgeous,” she said softly.
“You make it that way.”
Tears slid down her cheeks as she inspected the art. The emotions and anticipation that came with finishing a piece of this magnitude warranted them. I’d always looked at body art as a way to exorcise demons, but it wasn’t about that at all. It was a push and pull; letting go and holding on at the same time. She wore her loss in an armor of ink, just as I did.
I covered the ink with a protective layer of cellophane, then stripped off my gloves and wiped away her tears.
Her arms came around my neck. Still in front of the three-way mirror, the reflection gave me the perfect view of her fresh ink from several viewpoints.