“You know how they is nowadays, can’t figure which sock to put on first. This boy here, he was leastwise handy. I mean he knowed which end of a screwdriver goes where. But for most of it, he was just as green as the grass we ain’t got.”
I collapse halfway to the sink, too dizzy even to crawl. Expansion of lungs painful. Eyeballs a half-dozen sizes too large. Safest course is to stay put, lie here like a thumbsucker.
Linkage between sickness and childhood: relinquishing power. A sublime gauze curtain descends and your face may go blank behind it, your voice disappear. Incapacity, given in to, means entry to a private realm where you float around, or through, obstacles on a silent barge.
So here in this shabby drifter’s cabin I am a little doll. Time all hashed up, let me repeat. And on gusts of fever these streamers have flapped within reach….
I am a gasping little doll with clotted chest and my mother sponges me with alcohol. She is party ready, smoothly powdered, silhouette enlarged by a fur jacket, her glowing orange lips my night light.
I am eating pureed carrots and gray crumbling meat. Have to finish — while I watch Circus Boy, the maid Amanda watches me. “They can’t have gone far,” says the snake charmer. “Go on, it’ll put hair on your chest,” says Amanda.
I am nested in the back room of a summer rental that smells of creosote, waiting out the same cold as everyone else. The motorboats on the lake, even Gordo’s high-pitched sneezing, seem far off to my congested ears. I have baseball magazines, Green Lantern and Andy Panda comics. I watch ice melt in the ginger ale.
I am lurking in the doorway of my sister’s bedroom where she lies in state, in shadow, peppered with measles. She is typically kempt, bundled in white terry cloth, but spews eager germs with every breath. It is forbidden to go in. From my side of the border I whisper bad news, see her rapidly blink, then turn toward deeper shadow. Carla will not be well enough to attend the final performance of the Ice Capades.
Reaching the sink is no triumph, the basin scummed with bile like the foam that dries inside a milkshake cup. Should I risk a trip outdoors? A galvanized tin stall, a narrow stream of rusty water. Anything to slough this fetid skin I’m in. But getting into pants takes all my strength, leaves me marooned on the mattress again. I don’t want to sink back. Enough indoor mirages. But I haven’t the will of a doorknob. Except to bare my teeth at the dented, demented smile hanging in the windowframe.
Glad of the invitation, in walks Dag just as real as the tear in my pants.
“Shitfire, son. Look like a curse been put on you.”
“A virus,” I find myself saying, “is the simplest life form.”
From what I can hear, my voice is of an automated gun-slinger in a penny arcade.
“That’s right, simple but smart,” Dag says, picking through my canned goods.
“What day is it?”
“We need some lunch.” He slaps the air decisively. “So where’s the damn opener?”
Watching him empty creamed corn into a bowl is all the lunch I need. Cautiously, I sip from the cup of water he brings over, dribbling it down my bruised throat. Ice Capades. I see myself facedown, skimming the length of the rink.
“Fill ’er up, huh? You’re all dried out, I can see that.”
Dag gets another cooling cup into me before I pass out. Quite a bedside manner. His yammering seeps through the wall of my doze, drenches me as I wake.
He stops, frowns into the scraped-clean bowl, and I can see old stitches like a zipper alongside his head. The Beanball Incident he’s forever reciting — but Padilla says he got whanged by a horseshoe-pitcher at a church picnic.
“Get you some fresh air,” Dag says.
He hoists me, gets me out the door. Daylight overwhelms my eyes. I subside into crunchy dry grass and feel around with my hands.
“Where are my toys?” I say. Stimulus and response.
Not looking up, Dag points to hazy blue sky. “Worry about getting’ some a that, and that’s all.”
The big gas ball. I can have all I want.
“Who’s worried?”
Across the path, motorcycle parts soak in a pan of oil and a young cat claws at tar paper hanging from Padilla’s toolshed. A vista. Farther out, the land is careless and uncolored, has been for so long that its present is as invisible as its past.
As words come out of me and pass through Dag like water through a sieve, I come to see how it will be.
“I’ll go out where few things are possible. Where most things are inevitable. I’ll give it all up to that place and I’ll have a new shape.”
“You lookin’ for work?” Dag is puzzled as only he can be.
Steep hills to the north, a broken-glass profile. No more intimidating than an afterthought. To the east, where scrub thickens in a gray-green crescent, root webs extend no more than an inch below ground. The cat, coming toward us now, carries a limp brown snake in its mouth. Science can be such a comfort. I explain to Dag that we are just coded strands of nucleic acid.
“Brain fever,” he says. “You need dousing down.”
But one look tells me it’s been a long time since any water has passed through that cracked black hose. Grumbling and spitting, Dag kicks fruitlessly at the spigot.
I sink deeper into the grass. Fading again, that sensation of being hollowed out. But soon I can get to an uncolored place. Already on my way.
I don’t mind the heat or the dry grass spiking me or the insects traversing my bare back. My memory is as quiet as a dead snake. I must be getting well.
45
I AM HERE ON the desert floor, alone in a silver pod. I have no telephone, no mailbox. I have no heat, no plumbing, no qualms. The land under me was an inland sea until it dried up a few million years ago. Now it is government land leased to a Japanese corporation, From my window, roughly the size of a picture tube, I can see as far as I might want. Quiet, haggard space. The sky is huge. Nothing moves. But I believe in tidal rhythms here among fossil fish long ago powdered and dispersed on the wind. Nothing moves and I contemplate beginnings: the first men to see patterns in the stars, the discovery of coal, the creation of blue glass, the invention of the Nipkow disc.
For this silver Airstream trailer I gave cash and my car to a newly retired Spec/4 who’s leaving the base to live with his daughter in Beaufort, South Carolina. Citizen Sonny towed it out here, his face wrinkling like a sandwich bag with what I took to be envy. He showed me the well a mile or more to the west that I share with some shabby shorthorn cattle. He placed in my hand a copy of “Survival for Desert Commandos.”
The old man knew confined space at its best — in Beaufort they should let him get jolly on bourbon and sing the grand-kids to sleep. I have brackets for a kerosene lamp. I have a Primus stove, niches and shelves, a writing desk that folds out. From a director’s chair, with tequila bottle in hand, on a black-and-white powered by an army surplus generator, I am watching Perry Mason ruin a witness with unfounded and argumentative questions.
So at last I have taken steps, made the final subtractions. Citizen Sonny chastises me about planning, but I have confidence in the undesigned campaign. My belief in grace is firm. That is to say, I take things lightly.
There was my first true experience of sand: soft, warm, and easy. I moved on my stomach like a turtle between Long Island dunes and thought of burying myself. My mother appeared in tears and snatched me. That is to say, you are lost only so long as someone is looking for you.
So I don’t worry about being found. I don’t worry about dehydration or changing my mind. I remember the old man walking in a tight circle as I counted out his money. “What I’m going to miss is the big picture.” Would he find Beaufort tight and foolish, the grandkids a nuisance? Would he yearn for the crush of the mess hall and artillery fire echoing among the rocks and the soft flicker of his kerosene lamp? Let Sonny envy that.